His parents don't know there is a baby :O

abby1234519

Well no I don't want him to be involved, I've gone through this pregnancy with my lovely boyfriend at my side, not the father of the baby (oh I do sound like a typical young harlot) who simply wishes me well, wishes I have a healthy baby etc etc. I have told him that if "Joshua" wants to know who his real father is when he is old enough, well I will respect that and he can go find him but he simply said he would cross that road when it came to it. Which for me is worse in the sense that surely its harder to explain in 16 years to his family that he had a child! And that he lied and said the child had been aborted! His father lives in Japan, mother lives in the northwest. I don't have addresses for either I simply have names and know they have facebook accounts. Although I did realise I can't actually send a message to his father on facebook as it must be set to friends and family only. I was more worried about whether I would be seen as a horrid person by ignoring his parents, I know they aren't directly involved I just meant is it morally wrong to inform against his wishes or not inform them at all!

Personally I would rather he wasnt involved in anyway as my main concern with child maintenance is that he might feel he has a right somewhere down the line to his child (which is a way he does I understand that) but I don't want to bring up a child who has a disrupted life after being ignored for however long. Although I don't see that he will decide he wants to be involved as his emotional attachment to anything is nil. Hypothetically if I settled down with my OH then I would view US as a family unit because he is the one who I love and who is going to be there when I pop this sprog out! My mum and dad feel very strongly that I shouldn't be after child maintenance as it would complicate things and probably make him very bitter. He feels that because he wanted me to have an abortion that absolves his parental responsiblity.

abby1234519

DON79 wrote: »

also, just a thought, but what happens when your child is older and asks about their real dad? Do you want to have to tell them that their father wished them dead or aborted? And that this is what he told his family to hide he/she from them as though he was ashamed....

Simply put, I cannot answer this. I have no idea. I'd hope to be happily married (in an ideal world) and live as a happy family unit, in which case the only thing you do is stress that "Joshuas" father is the man who brings him up not the man who made him? Argh!!!

DON79

abby1234519 wrote: »

Simply put, I cannot answer this. I have no idea. I'd hope to be happily married (in an ideal world) and live as a happy family unit, in which case the only thing you do is stress that "Joshuas" father is the man who brings him up not the man who made him? Argh!!!

I am sorry, it must be a horrible thing to have to think about and not what you need I hope your family dreams come true.

make_me_wise

Im trying to see things from a future persepective. As and when you move on and settle down with someone you mentioned you might need to contact him to authorise adoption. Depending at what stage in your childs life this happens will obviously determine how aware the child is that he/she has a biological dad out there.

All very well for your ex to want to walk away and pretend the child doesn't exist, and tell those close to him that you aborted it away. Cant help but feel that is an extremely irresponsible and selfish way to carry on.

I wonder how the child will feel about it all? Especially if it ever realises that its grandparents thought it didn't exist. Personally I wouldn't allow someone like your ex to drag me down to his level by involving me with his lies and deception. If all is out in the open there is nothing to come back and cause a whole lot of trouble later on. Why should you and your child be kept like a dirty little secret.

You owe your ex nothing after the way he has behaved. Be the bigger person and tell those who have a right to know and a link to your child.

puddy

its not just when the child is older,,, OP how do you propose to bring this child up with an understanding of his or her paternal heritage, identity and information? how will the child relate to this, do you have photos or family history information about the dad and grandparents?

puddy

make_me_wise wrote: »

Im trying to see things from a future persepective. As and when you move on and settle down with someone you mentioned you might need to contact him to authorise adoption. Depending at what stage in your childs life this happens will obviously determine how aware the child is that he/she has a biological dad out there.

All very well for your ex to want to walk away and pretend the child doesn't exist, and tell those close to him that you aborted it away. Cant help but feel that is an extremely irresponsible and selfish way to carry on.

I wonder how the child will feel about it all? Especially if it ever realises that its grandparents thought it didn't exist. Personally I wouldn't allow someone like your ex to drag me down to his level by involving me with his lies and deception. If all is out in the open there is nothing to come back and cause a whole lot of trouble later on. Why should you and your child be kept like a dirty little secret.

You owe your ex nothing after the way he has behaved. Be the bigger person and tell those who have a right to know and a link to your child.

my post crossed with this, this is completely right

pigpen

abby1234519 wrote: »

My mum and dad feel very strongly that I shouldn't be after child maintenance as it would complicate things and probably make him very bitter. He feels that because he wanted me to have an abortion that absolves his parental responsiblity.

So you might be struggling with little income to support your child and because you listen to your parents and 'donor' you carry on struggling when he SHOULD be paying to support said child.. saying 'I do not want you to have this baby' does not make it not his nor does it absolve him from any responsibility.. I think you are being very naive here and he is being an @rse... he was grown up enough to have sex therefore he is grown up enough to take responsibility the very least he owes you and the child is a little financial support.. it might not be relevant to you today right now but in 3 years time you could be on your own in a crappy council flat in a crappy area struggling to manage on benefits.. he OWES his child that much at least!

marywooyeah

Abby I remember your original posts and I was in virtually the same situation (personal circumstances and same kind of history as you) and I was bullied into a termination by my ex which destroyed my life. When I read that you had found the strength to keep your baby without him I felt so so proud of you for keeping him and managing your studies at the same time I really did
What you need to remember is that your ex is a grade a d**k - he cares about himself and only himself, he doesnt care about you or the baby you made together which is pathetic - but it's not his parents fault or little Joshua's fault, so I think you should tell them. As other posters have said what if Joshua asks later, what if they find out later and wanted to be involved? Best to be involved from the start - doesn't mean your ex has to be. And so what if it causes a massive problem for your ex? Its all his fault for lying :T and he needs to learn that he won't always get his own way and that he has a lovely little boy. So glad you got on your feet hun I really am x

dandy-candy

I think you should let the grandparents know. It's no fair that they miss out just because their son is an idiot. I would be devestated to have had a grandchild somewhere and never known. You may or may not end up with them playing a part in your babys life, but at least let them know.

puppypants

So the lying little toerag gets to swan off to the US, possibly impregnating a few more girls along the way!!I would give him as much !!!!!! as the fan can deal with. When are men going to start being responsible where they spread their seed! Grrrrr!