His parents don't know there is a baby :O

abby1234519

Ok so if contacting them is the right thing to do, how should I go about it? How do I find them! I mean I know I have said that his siblings are on facebook but is this the right way? When would I do it!

vroombroom

you say he has an older brother? he would be my first point of contact via facebook. If you know his mam and dad's name, go thru his friends list.

or email your ex and tell him what you are going to do, give them the chance.

abby1234519

vroombroom wrote: »

you say he has an older brother? he would be my first point of contact via facebook. If you know his mam and dad's name, go thru his friends list.

or email your ex and tell him what you are going to do, give them the chance.

I think I know what his mums name is I am not actually sure for definite. As for his dad I cannot message him, his privacy settings don't allow it!

I wondered if I should warn M first and give him the chance

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

I don't want to be all doom & gloom but thought i'd let you know how my similar situation turned out before you made your decision.

The biological father of my 2 sons 16 & 14 walked out on us when I was 36 weeks pregnant with the 2nd son.

I met another guy when my 2nd son was a couple of months old (he was a mate of my brothers) & after a whirlwind romance we got married, changed my 2 boys names to his surname & had a daughter.

For 12 years we were a perfect family & no one would of known that he was not the father of my 2 boys unless we told them.

Things changed dramatically after we split, he treats our daughter completely differently than he treats my 2 boys that he was happy to take on as his own & raise whilst we were together.

He didn't even buy my 14 year old a birthday present last year which caused my son so much upset considering this man is the only father he has ever known.

Infact the last time I dropped our daughter off my son was sat in the car & my ex didn't even wave or say hello to him.

His parents were never really interested in my 2 sons & none of his family bother with them now were not together.

I hope everything work out for you but at least if the biological grand parents know the score they can be there for their grandson from the start.

The thing is you boyfriend isn't your unborn childs father & even if he is happy to step up to that role now he & his parents might change their minds if you ever split.

mountainofdebt

Jinx wrote: »

I don't think its for you to tell the grandparents, IMO that is the job of the babys dad. If he chooses not to be involved then I don't think dividing his family will help the situation.

I do think if he is earning, you should get maintenance off dad but if he goes abroad you probably cant pursue that....

As someone whose dad didnt pay for me and my brother, I will say that I was very resentful of the fact my mum struggled while he paid nowt. So if you are minted then fair enough, if not then I'd ask him to face his responsibilities.

Jinx - you've said, in a far better way, what I was trying to say.

OP I know Jinx and I are the only ones who have said that its not up to you to let the grandparents know of their grandchild's existance but that doesn't make our opinion invalid

I don't know - and I really don't know the story, so please forgive me if I sound overally harsh - but it almost sounds as if the main reason for letting your ex's parents know about the existance of the child to get back at the ex, especially as you've now found out he's spun them a yarn.

That's not to say when the child is able to understand the truth about his parentage that he shouldn't be told.

If you do decide to tell them then I think Facebook is totally the wrong way to do it......personally I would write a letter explaining that you want nothing from them that they aren't willing to give - that way the ball is firmly in their court - and whilst a letter can be torn up but the bits stellotaped back together when the emotion has subsided.

Loanranger

Abby,
You need to be thinking in a more child centred way especially about maintenance.
First, you chose to have this child, I recall your original thread, after a very brief relationship while you were, and are, in no position to support the child.
Second, the child has a right to know his heritage and his family. The sooner you face up to that, and decide to be honest, the better life will be for your child.

Mojisola

abby1234519 wrote: »

Ok so if contacting them is the right thing to do, how should I go about it? How do I find them! I mean I know I have said that his siblings are on facebook but is this the right way? When would I do it!

As you can get their names from FB, you could try to find an address for them and send a letter. If they have very common names, it will be more difficult.

Jinx

abby1234519 wrote: »

Can you please explain why you don't think its up to me to tell the grandparents, only because everyone else has explained in great detail as to why I should and I am interested to hear your side

and no not minted, a student!

I guess for me its about not jumping generations. A baby is a joyous occasion and if that babys dad is not happy and refuses involvement but you tell the grandparents then your child is living proof he lied, it may cause friction in his relationships and if the grandparents are miles away anyway what have you gained? Also if the grandparents do want contact and you find them unsuitable/interfering and dont want your child to see them it could just cause you stress and grief. I guess Im looking at the downside, families are complex and he is their son first, even if you are holding their new grandchild.

To me being part of a family is more than just a piece of DNA and I would rather not see my childs biological family and form my own family with a permanent partner who would be a loving step-dad and hopefully 'use' his parents (in the nicest possible sense!).

My own experience in this area is that I had my daughter at 18, my partner and I were happy but his parents were livid with us and wouldnt speak to me during my pregnancy. Roll on 9 months and I have a gorgeous baby daughter and because the grandparents have 6 sons suddenly they want to know us again! Relations were strained and ultimately they were not nice people so we cut off contact. We later split but my daughter dad has always remained around and his partner became a caring stepmother and my partner became a stepdad and brought lovely delighted parents as 'grandparents'. So everyone knows they are not her grandparents but it doesnt matter, mutual adoration abounds. Also my parents divorced when I was little and my dad worked away so we say his parents. As a child I didnt want to see them, I wanted to see him. And he never paid a penny for us which I have always resented as my mum struggled as we grew up.

Britneys_Firefly

Just to let the OP know I am in a very simlar situation.

I had my little boy in January, he was a complete surprise (I did not know I was pregnant until I went into Labour, I had been told since the age of 18 that I could not have children!).

I told his dad when he was a week old, 3 whole months of texting dad and not getting very far, I get so frustrated with the situation I go to CSA, thinking that they would struggle to pin my little boys dad down didnt expect much.
Not only did they find him, and quickly but dad has made all agreements when it comes to payments, played ball with paperwork and in the last fortnight has actually seen his son for the first time (it only took 4 months!).

However I am utterly convienced that his mum still does not know that he got me pregnant (she met me once in our brief relationship last year), that he has a son now as well as his daughter from his previous relationship and she is infact a grandmother again!.

I am focusing on helping dad build a relationship with his little boy at the moment (and god help me sometimes its like drawing blood out of a stone!), the final bit in the puzzle would be for his family to know about him. I dont quite know why he is holding back from telling his family, as he has never question paternity (not that he needs to there wasnt anyone else), all that I can think is that he is scared of his familes reaction because he has left it so long.

FatVonD

The child is their flesh and blood so I believe they have every right to know about his existence.

I do believe it might make things more stressful if they and the father then want access but a couple of years down the line that could happen anyway when he grows up a bit/gets a conscience and you'll then be having to introduce your son to strangers.