His parents don't know there is a baby :O

Fire_Fox

IMO your child has a right to know where they come from and who their family are, you should not close that door on your child's behalf. If the father or grandparents don't want contact that is up to them; it says a lot about the maturity of your ex that he would lie to his parents to 'get out of trouble'. Please also consider what the arrangements will be if you fall ill or are seriously injured and can no longer care for your child, be that as a result of the birth or in years to come. Sounds awful but this is something every parent should plan for, both in terms of life insurance and practical arrangements.

On the money side I think you should be asking how you are going to manage if you do not accept regular maintenance, not just now but throughout their childhood and teenage years. Like it or not money does buy the sort of opportunity you have had in going to university, raising children is not cheap and from your signature I am guessing you have a large student loan to worry about? Accepting regular support makes it easier to maintain contact, should your child or the father wish to start a relationship at a later stage. It is unfair to expect the taxpayer to fund your student mistakes, just for the sake of your parents' pride. In any case benefits eligibilities are being tightened up, you may find you are not eligible for sufficient money to live on in years to come.

I would suggest you formalise the maintenance and accept the percentage each month your child is legally entitled to; TBH texting and Facebook are for teenagers discussing who they snogged when drunk not fully grown adults speaking about their child's future. You may find a letter from the CSA means that your ex is obliged to tell his parents the truth and hopefully will realise he needs to stop behaving like a spoiled brat! :T

Doing this informally may cause problems proving to the DWP why you have extra money coming in each month, and you need to be sure of that income to make plans around it. If it makes you and your parents feel better you could put all the maintenance into a savings account for your child to use as a house deposit or university fees in the future. This has the advantage of not being 'your' capital so will not be counted when you claim means-tested benefits nor when organising any debt repayments. Wouldn't your parents rather their grandchild has every opportunity than the money being wasted on your immature ex's student lifestyle? :beer:

Good luck with your uni results and the birth.

abby1234519

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I wonder why on Earth you'd even think of refusing the money?!

No idea actually. Somethings wrong with me I think! He has offered to buy a cot, I've said I'd rather have the money to buy it in a few weeks, as I do have a cot, I need a new mattress. I had made the "it would be nice to buy a cot with it" comment so he didn't think I would take the money and spend it on myself!

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I'd be wary of pinning to many of your hopes on the current boyfriend and his family too. Once the baby comes it may be all too much for someone who's not the father to cope with, particularly if he's a typical student himself. Once the baby comes, you'll not be available for going out etc and you might find it's (understandably) all a bit too much, so please do hope for the best, but you'd be wise to prepare for the worst in regard to your current relationship.

Oh don't worry, I still hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I have mentioned it to him, and he says I am being silly but he's not the pregnant one!

abby1234519

pigpen wrote: »

Heck yes take the money.. he doesn't HAVE to pay anything until the baby is here and as you say you are struggling.. £200 could be a whole wardrobe or a pushchair or a car seat or a cot!!!

I have all of those BUT I do need a sideboard! I've realised I have lots of "things" on the shelves in the new house that once he is crawling will be dangerous. So there is a furniture warehouse for poverty aid near me and I would use that £200 to make the house safe. I realised I can't keep everything on the tv stand when he is crawling as there are wires everywhere and the telephone and router wires. Its a babys playheaven.

MrsRogers

I'm finding your parents approach very strange I must say. If the father wants contact in future then he has the right to regardless of whether he pays or not.
Equally paying his way and providing your child with the best start in life isn't really a choice its his human duty. How also would you explain it to your child when they are old enough "Nanny and grandpa thought it best not to take any money off your dad incase he wanted to see you"!!! Sounds more destructive if you ask me.

At the end of the day it is your child and your life we can only offer opinions and advice. But if it were me... I would walk over hot coals to provide everything and anything I could get my hands on for my child.

Best of luck

1984ReturnsForReal_2

MrsRogers wrote: »

I'm finding your parents approach very strange I must say.

I am finding the OPs' approach strange let alone anyone else.

Fire_Fox

abby1234519 wrote: »

I have all of those BUT I do need a sideboard! I've realised I have lots of "things" on the shelves in the new house that once he is crawling will be dangerous. So there is a furniture warehouse for poverty aid near me and I would use that £200 to make the house safe. I realised I can't keep everything on the tv stand when he is crawling as there are wires everywhere and the telephone and router wires. Its a babys playheaven.

Try Freecycle for furniture and baby stuff. You probably don't need half the things you want to put into a sideboard, use this time to have a clearout - sell half plus the TV stand on eBay. Baby won't be crawling for months yet and it shouldn't cost £200 to make the house safe. Your new home should have an inbuilt circuit breaker for safe electrics, if you want extra safety use a plug-in circuit breaker and plastic 'wraps' for the wiring - both are a few pounds. I don't think it is a wise move to use money you have said you will spend on a cot on a sideboard as that is not directly for the benefit of the baby (I get your point, I'm just not sure an immature ex will).

gratefulforhelp_2

Um...maybe this has been mentioned, but taking the legal CSA minimum maintenance for your child makes the biological father no more or less entitled to see the child.

That's unless you leave his name off the birth cert and he doesn't go to court for PR.

abby1234519

1984ReturnsForReal wrote: »

I am finding the OPs' approach strange let alone anyone else.

Why? I'm a first time mum at 22, not really sure how to handle this new experience. How is that strange.

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Try Freecycle for furniture and baby stuff. You probably don't need half the things you want to put into a sideboard, use this time to have a clearout - sell half plus the TV stand on eBay. Baby won't be crawling for months yet and it shouldn't cost £200 to make the house safe. Your new home should have an inbuilt circuit breaker for safe electrics, if you want extra safety use a plug-in circuit breaker and plastic 'wraps' for the wiring - both are a few pounds. I don't think it is a wise move to use money you have said you will spend on a cot on a sideboard as that is not directly for the benefit of the baby (I get your point, I'm just not sure an immature ex will).

I do have most of the stuff I need now from freecycle etc. My house was furnished (within reason) and I did get a cot etc from freecycle. I got a few things like coffee tables, toaster etc for free. Oh and the dining table from my grandma. My grandma bought me a pushchair. The only things that need buying are a new mattress for the cot as the one I have is a bit battered and probably not best for a newborn. So thats £60 from Boots. I do have an inbuilt circuit breaker, the only thing is there are hardly any plugs and I am hoping my landlord will agree to making the OLD single ones into doubles. And one switch has snapped off. For instance the fridge freezer is plugged into an extension cord and I know surges can make things blow. I have 1 plug I can use in the kitchen, and I'm going to have things like the baby steriliser etc (bargain avent steriliser at £3 from a carboot!) so am worried about that. I can't actually think of anything else I need for the baby really. I have been given a lot of things. The only problem is my mother has a habit of coming home with things like baby hair brush (£2) and other random things that add up. My sure start maternity grant has literally already gone on the cot and things. Everything is second hand though, like the breast pump was £8.81 for an electric one.

I know its a good 6 months before he will be moving around but I would rather make the house safe for him in advance as I probably won't have the time when he starts moving around as I wil lbe studying hard. As for the bits and bobs I can't reaaaally get rid of them. its things like torches, screwdriver set, money tin, then tubs with things like fuses and batteries in. I don't have the kitchen cupboard space for them (who doesn't install drawers in a kitchen?). I literally have no storage. So if I got a cheap second hard sideboard I could pack that all away and put my door safety baby lock on it! Basically I would spend the £200 on a £60 mattress, then maybe £30 on the sideboard and I could probably put the rest away as an initial investment for the baby I think.

kelloggs36

maybe the grandparents would love to have a relationship with their grandchild, and by denying its existence, you are denying them this opportunity? I would make contact with them and give them the chance to see if they want to be in your child's life - if not then you need do nothing more. As for money, it is up to both of you to contribute to the costs of this child, and you should not feel guilty for asking him to pay. Good luck.

pigpen

abby1234519 wrote: »

I have all of those BUT I do need a sideboard! I've realised I have lots of "things" on the shelves in the new house that once he is crawling will be dangerous. So there is a furniture warehouse for poverty aid near me and I would use that £200 to make the house safe. I realised I can't keep everything on the tv stand when he is crawling as there are wires everywhere and the telephone and router wires. Its a babys playheaven.

Then you put it in the bank either in the baby's name or yours and save it until you do need something!!

You should have a new mattress anyway.. it is part of the cot death recommendations that your baby doesn't have second hand mattress.