Heartbroken!

Caroline_a

Anyone, myself included will tell you that people they know with drink problems are wonderful people when they are sober. The problem is that drink is more important to them than most things. My ex was a nice guy, until he had a drink. Then, all that mattered was getting as much inside himself until he was virtually falling over drunk. And the more he drank, the less it seemed to show. He said he didnt have a problem because he 'didn't drink first thing in the morning'. He also didnt drink if he had no money. But when he did, every penny went down his throat in liquid form.

I spent 10 years making excuses for him, adapting my behaviour to prevent him reacting to the least little thing, squirrelling money away, and watching him make a fool of himself, including locking me out of my own house on several ocassions when I had been out with a couple of my female friends - until around 9 oclock in the evening!

Living with him was like walking on eggs, I never knew what I would come home to. I spent the last 4 years of our time together supporting the whole family as he had lost his licence - again through drink.

When I left him it was like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders, I was free. If any of this rings any bells with you then just think. An alcoholic can be many things, but you will never change him. Only he can change, and until he recognises he has a problem and then does something about it - forever - then you will be in for a hard, penniless life, and so will your child.

leos-mummy

LillythePink wrote: »

Well for one thing you can empty your joint bank account and open a sole one then while he is !!!!ed get him to sign a form to close the joint account. Move bills to your account at least then you will have money for rent and not booze for him.

Apart from that all I have to say is put up and shut up (about him and his drinking etc) or get the hell out of the relationship.

No-one is forcing you to stay with him, you could do so much better alone than with him. He doesn't give a rats !!!! about you, your LO or his other kids you are not his mother you are supposed to be his partner but he probably treats the off license cashier better than he is treating you, at least they would throw him out if he showed them the same lack of respect he is showing you!

Get a life now before it's too late your son deserves more than the life he is exposed to now which will only get worse as you are so wrapped up in the !!!! you are living with that you can't see the damage that you will be inflicting on him never mind a man who is supposedly his dad!

We dont have a joint account, everything is in my bank account including his wages so if we do break up im wondering how we would sort the finances, i would obviously have to make claims as a single parent and he cant keep his wages in my account. only reason he hasnt filed for bankruptcy is that he hasnt had the funds to do it.
I know that isnt reason enough to stay with him but its a lot of hassle

emsywoo123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I
You can't learn from others experiences, but beleive me, there are enough of us that have lived through this.. we know how it ends

You love him now, but you will grow to hate him as unreal as that sounds to you right now, you will get there

I wish you luck for now, you are going to need it.

^^^This.

It is only with hindsight that I can see how bad things were for me.....and everything LM is saying I said.....and I posted very similar on here, and I am saddended that I know she is likely to have to go through the emotions that I did.

In a way, I think you can liken being a partner of someone dependant on alcohol to being an alcoholic itself. Really in so much as there is a strong "dependancy" (on the other person as opposed to a substance) and that you really really have to get to (emotional) rock bottom before you can quit. (the relationship)

Dawning

Caroline_a wrote: »

Anyone, myself included will tell you that people they know with drink problems are wonderful people when they are sober. The problem is that drink is more important to them than most things. My ex was a nice guy, until he had a drink. Then, all that mattered was getting as much inside himself until he was virtually falling over drunk. And the more he drank, the less it seemed to show. He said he didnt have a problem because he 'didn't drink first thing in the morning'. He also didnt drink if he had no money. But when he did, every penny went down his throat in liquid form.

I spent 10 years making excuses for him, adapting my behaviour to prevent him reacting to the least little thing, squirrelling money away, and watching him make a fool of himself, including locking me out of my own house on several ocassions when I had been out with a couple of my female friends - until around 9 oclock in the evening!

Living with him was like walking on eggs, I never knew what I would come home to. I spent the last 4 years of our time together supporting the whole family as he had lost his licence - again through drink.

When I left him it was like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders, I was free. If any of this rings any bells with you then just think. An alcoholic can be many things, but you will never change him. Only he can change, and until he recognises he has a problem and then does something about it - forever - then you will be in for a hard, penniless life, and so will your child.

Exactly. This sums it up...I went through it as a child and watched my mum suffering as his wife.

LillythePink

Caroline not a truer word spoken I am friends with a lady who has just divorced her oh because of his drinking and behaviour what you have just written echoes exactly what she said. He didn't believe he had a problem, it was all her fault, benders for days blah blah blah.

She alienated family and friends because of him. So many people have now told her that the reason she didn't see them was because of him.

This could be you in a few short months OP no friends or family around because of this person

Errata

leos-mummy wrote: »

We dont have a joint account, everything is in my bank account including his wages so why is the rent money not there? so if we do break up im wondering how we would sort the finances, i would obviously have to make claims as a single parent that's right, it's a straightforward process and he cant keep his wages in my account.that's right only reason he hasnt filed for bankruptcy is that he hasnt had the funds to do it. tough, not your problem whilst he !!!!es his money away
I know that isnt reason enough to stay with him that's right but its a lot of hassle for whom? not for you because you've damn all else to do, and not for him because he'll be on the booze and quite relaxed.

HTH I truly feel sorry for you. One of the pair of you has to be the grown up in this now critical situation, it might as well be you.

thatgirlsam

emsywoo123 wrote: »

^^^This.

It is only with hindsight that I can see how bad things were for me.....and everything LM is saying I said.....and I posted very similar on here, and I am saddended that I know she is likely to have to go through the emotions that I did.

In a way, I think you can liken being a partner of someone dependant on alcohol to being an alcoholic itself. Really in so much as there is a strong "dependancy" (on the other person as opposed to a substance) and that you really really have to get to (emotional) rock bottom before you can quit. (the relationship)

And people are going to get hurt

My ex was a drinker but justified it as he had a really good job blahdy blahdy blah

But he ruined every night out we had, every birthday I had when we were together, every holiday we had, every family get together

It gets so bad. Then you wake up. But people get hurt in the mean time. There are some instances that took place that I'm very ashamed I let happen - I had/have 2 children

Nothing violent but for instance we went on holiday, we took the car on the ferry. He got so bladdered on the way there that he was unable to help me with the kids and fell straight to sleep in the car

My 5 year old tried to help me by reading the map while I was driving in a foreign country - we had a 9 week old baby with us too

Eventuallly you wake up, but yes... people get hurt in the meantime

So sad

LillythePink

Oh LM f uck hassle about his wages it's just one excuse after another

So stay with him and wait for the slaps and other abuse that will probably follow.

Oh and next time an ex contacts him on FB let her have him they probably deserve each other.

leos-mummy

Im scared of walking away and regretting it. Im scared that he'll meet someone else and have another woman in my sons life. Id rather be unhappy than have my son come from a broken home although i know u can only play happy families for so long before the cracks appear

Caroline_a

OP, there will be so many of us who will tell you sad stories of living with a drunk. My ex once walked out of a restaurant leaving me to have to pay (lucklily I had just enough money - but it was supposed to have been his treat). I had to walk 3 miles home in killer heels, so embarrassed when I left the restaurant. I am a well-educated, fairly high-earning, intelligent woman. But with him I was only another fool. Wake up, hun. He is ruining your life.