Help! Need to talk to OH.

FBaby

Personally, I don't think his latest information is any reassuring, at least it wouldn't be to me. How could he have remembered writing down a film (£25 for two seems a lot, and why would he pay for his friend???) but not remembering the hotel bill that is bound to be more memorable if it is a regular item rather than the 'play' that was a one off.... People who are usually defensive are those who have something to hide. No one cares so badly about their privacy that they would feel so protective of telling such innocuous info to the person one lives with.

I do, really do understand though your decision not to confront further and try to make things work between you whilst trying to regain your independence. I think I would take the same approach, although I don't think I would resist poking for more to totally get to the bottom of it all.

ostrichnomore_2

Hi

Well here we are a year later, relationship isn't great, isn't terrible. He's still going off for his weekend away every month, I just don't ask any more. I think it's a selfish thing to do but I thought I was being paranoid about what he might be doing so just try not to think about it too much now. Not thrilled - would like to know how long he intends to keep doing this as I got the impression it was a temp thing not permanent!

Anyway, it's my birthday today. We are going out tonight for a meal. He is going away as usual for this weekend. Not the best timing, but there you go.

Now for the bit that makes me feel/look bad. I have access to his online bank account. Now, I don't look in it. Honestly I don't. For some reason I just got an urge to peek today. I don't know why - he sent me some flowers for valentine's day maybe I was curious about those, I don't know, but I just felt I wanted to peek.

He has booked some expensive cinema tickets that I know nothing of, that are in London (he goes to London for his weekends). What he has spent buys two tickets.

Now I'm in a tizz again.

We have been to this cinema before and it is just possible he bought them for us, but unlikely, as any other time we go out to cinema I book the tickets, he's literally never done it.

So who is he going with? A friend again? A woman? This is NOT what his weekends away are supposed to be about, even if it's perfectly innocent!!!!!!!!!!! Film is Star wars 3D which really isn't his thing, but it's not a date movie either, is it. I don't actually know the date or film of the tickets - just the cinema and the amount matching two tickets.

So...do I say anything? Do I go and stake out the cinema? (that's perfectly possible as it's a small one with only one film showing at 3 times that afternoon/evening, not like a multiplex. If I do and he sees me and it's innocent, it's going to be awful. If it isn't innocent, it will still be awful but in a different way. I don't know if I want to know. I thought about calling a private investigator to go instead but I don't think I can afford it. I don't feel I can ask as I shouldn't have looked in his account. I don't want to spend a day hanging round a cinema feeling miserable and trying not to be seen. I don't want this on my mind for months to come. Supposing it was a surprise for me? I don't know what to do!

Advice?

tasha-debt

Im sorry but this has been going on for a while now, I would just ask to sit down and have a calm conversation about these 'weekends'. Why London? Why the secrecy? Why dont the two of you go away together? You could still spoend some of the weekend apart such as you have a massage and he doens something? I woudl be really upset if my man wanted to spend so much time away from me.

If he refuses to talk about it I would be re-thinking my relationship. Honesty is a huge part of a relationship and if one person is not open and honest them what kind of relationship is that.

balletshoes

i wouldn't consider buying 2 cinema tickets for star wars to be in any way an indication that he's playing away on his weekends without you.

however, you're clearly not happy with this arrangement at all if your imagination is running away with you like this and you're intending stalking at the cinema .

when was the last time you discussed his need to have his weekends away once a month? if its been a while, he's been going, and you've never discussed it since, maybe now would be a good time to revisit it and just ask him what kind of things he does on his weekends, as conversation, showing an interest, not accusing.

just out of interest, would he be okay if the roles were reversed and you went off on regular weekends away, and didn't divulge what you did/who you met when you were away?

*Robin*

Sounds like he's got a secret child in London..

Tamsin_Temrin

Hes got you well trained.

Tell him (dont ask lol) that you are thinking that you could benefit from the same weekend per month and ask where he goes so you can get the same benefit, fairs fair, right?

And tell him that the pennies arent adding up and you need to do a strict budget, use the dfw soa and ask him for the spends for the weekend he has, just so you can work things out. Besides, you dont want to spend more than him on your weekend per month away because you dont want to be unfair.

Or just keep quiet. Is the rest of your life okay? If so, how much do you want to rock the boat?

He did a really good job making you too scared to ask where your partner was going once per month and spending the family money. That really isnt normal. Are you scared about anything else?

Gigglepig

I think it is quite mean of the OH to be doing this, his lack of communication about these weekends quite clearly upsets his partner.

osian

Well if it was me, I would dislike the secrets and exclusion and I don't think I could put up with it.

With regard to the cinema, I think my curiosity would get the better of me. Have you got a friend (possibly one that your husband doesn't know?) who can help you out and see what's going on?

Or if you did pass the cinema yourself at those times, how likely is it that it would just be a coincidence that you were in the area, or would he definitely know that you were spying on him?

Then again, Star Wars in not a romantic film, but it's an odd choice if he's not usually into that sort of thing.

Sambucus_Nigra

*Robin* wrote: »

Sounds like he's got a secret child in London..

^

This.

Any other strange monies going out of the account for or on these weekends?

Welshwoofs

*Robin* wrote: »

Sounds like he's got a secret child in London..

I was wondering about that one too. If he doesn't like films like Star Wars you'd imagine that if it was a platonic outing the 2 friends would see a film they both liked. Ok on a date, perhaps a man will 'take a bullet' and watch a film he hates to please his date...but Star Wars 3D seems an odd date choice to me. However kids are quite likely to watch that kind of film.

The whole thing sounds bizarre. If you were religious and wanted a regular retreat, a hotel doesn't seem like an obvious choice since they're invariably fairly noisy. In addition, going to the cinema and general entertainment is not generally associated with the quiet reflection time of a retreat scenario either.

Personally I'd ask him about the tickets after the event just in case they were for you (would you be likely to like Star Wars?)