Help! Need to talk to OH.

FBaby

Your man remainds me a lot of mine (I started a thread myself last week), struggling to communicate about issues. Like you, he won't apologise if he upsets me, will always insist that I shouldn't have got upset in the first place. He has a way of turning things around so that I'm being unreasonable and he just made the right decision. Like your man, I really can't imagine mine cheating on me, for various reasons, it is just not his thing, he wouldn't cope with the feeling of guilt that would ungulf him. He has never cheated before. Saying that.... I'll be very honest with you, if I was in your boots, I certainly wouldn't feel so confident about it any longer. The entire thing sounds incredibly suspicious reading it not being directly involved. There are so many instances that just doesn't ring right, the mispelling of 'will' (is it a mistake he has ever made before?), the not wanting to tell you and insisting on not telling you where he is staying and a bad excuse for not doing so, the 'friend' he is taking out dinner (possible, but so unlikely) and the taking to a play (since when do blokes take friends to plays when they need a chat????), the fact that the hotel is not showing on the expenses.... he remembers to write the meal but not the hotel, very very suspicious....

If it was me, I would already have found a way to check his mobile, emails, bank statements, called the hotel, called the 'friend', whatever... Like you, I am naturally trusting and won't spy on my man as a normal habit, but with all these accumulative very odd events, I would be on a mission! Either he is up to no good (to be honest, my gut feeling tells me that that's the most likely), or he really does need to learn to communicate better as he should understand that all this warrants a very detailed explanation.

SavingPennies_2

Obviously I don't know the whole story but based on what you say, it sounds very dodgy to me. You sound like a perfectly sane and trusting person who is happy for him to have his "alone" time so why the need for secrecy. Theatre and a meal for two doesnt sounds like a lads night to me it sounds like a date, sorry if that sounds harsh. I think there is much more to this, Id do some more digging and start thinking of a plan B.

caitlyn22

I think when we're in love, we try and rationalise the behaviour of others when ordinarily, it would have us running for the hills. It's a defence mechanism as we tell ourselves that staying and 'enduring' is better than the pain of loss, or heartache.

I think that everyone is entitled to their own brand of crazy every now and then but more than anything his behaviour seems really disrespectful. He's perfectly entitled to go off and 'find' himself whenever he likes - you've made that clear to him. To block you out and make you feel like it's a big secret (and to be sure that is because of HIS behaviour, NOT your paranoia) is just unfair and suggest he's too selfish to be with someone who would do anything to make him happy. I might fancy the odd night away to myself but if I were to ever actually do it, I'd go out of my way to ensure my OH knew it was nothing to do with him and to reassure him however I could.

Remember that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you, he's getting away with this and ultimately shaping YOUR behaviour by his horrible attitude. (You're wary of talking to him as it results in rows, so you tiptoe around issues?) I would stop making this about him and start thinking about what YOU need. What do you want? No matter how much you love him, if you ever imagine being with a man with better qualities, or if you often long for someone who doesn't make you feel like this...you need to recognise that your head is actually screaming at you to change something or leave, but it's being drowned out by your heart, fingers in metaphorical heart-ears, haplessly singing 'lalalalala'.

Oh and without sounding cold, I know people go through all sorts of things in life and some don't cope well with bad times, but it's also potentially the biggest cop-out in the book, and I speak as someone who has been through some fairly sh*tty times! Don't let him use some past trauma as an excuse for anything, we all have baggage. Yours isn't any less worthy than his!

Brecon_Beacons

What do you know about his sexuality?

Sorry to be blunt, but there are many, many married men who carry the burden of hiding their bi-sexuality. In those circumstances, the explanation of being with an 'old friend' may not be quite so reassuring.. and would explain the 'date' feeling to their arrangements.

What a ray of sunshine I am! Apologies for thinking the worst, it's my nature.

whitewing

I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but this theatre trip and meal for him and his friend doesn't sound right. I would be more worried after your chat than before.

skypie123_2

OP I have kind of been where you are. Different circumstances but still...
Ask yourself what your gut instinct tells you about this situation. Does it feel to you that something is far from right? If it feels like that then you know something isn't right here.
I overroad my gut instinct for ages in my case and it turned out that my instincts were right all along.
Huge hugs to you. It may work out to be a long painful road (or it may not!!) but whatever happens you will be fine in the end I promise you!
xxxx

tanith

Ok so you say that he is a 'good' guy maybe thats the whole point, he's too nice to tell you its over because he knows that it will mean you are jobless and homeless . I hope I have that wrong but reading your posts it just sounds like he is going through the motions but neither of you is getting anything good out of the relationship apart from a job and a roof over your head... I wish you luck

joeblack066

Brecon_Beacons wrote: »

What do you know about his sexuality?

Sorry to be blunt, but there are many, many married men who carry the burden of hiding their bi-sexuality. In those circumstances, the explanation of being with an 'old friend' may not be quite so reassuring.. and would explain the 'date' feeling to their arrangements.

What a ray of sunshine I am! Apologies for thinking the worst, it's my nature.

Indeed this is the way my mind would be going in these circumstances OP.

paddy's_mum

I'm thinking of you.

debjay

Brecon_Beacons wrote: »

What do you know about his sexuality?

Sorry to be blunt, but there are many, many married men who carry the burden of hiding their bi-sexuality. In those circumstances, the explanation of being with an 'old friend' may not be quite so reassuring.. and would explain the 'date' feeling to their arrangements.

What a ray of sunshine I am! Apologies for thinking the worst, it's my nature.

This was what I thought but didn't want to be the one to post it

Doesn't sound like any usual kind of lads night out.

Sorry