Help! Need to talk to OH.

ostrichnomore_2

See page 4 for the update

Hi I am a long-term member/poster, but this is personal so I'm using another name.

I need to talk to OH about something but I don't know how to, without it just triggering a big row and getting nowhere.

OH is under a lot of stress at work, long long hours, difficult, so we don't have much time for each other (he works, eats, sleeps mostly) but I understand that. He is also quite religious.

At the start of the year he announced he needed some time for himself, which I understood, and that he wanted to go on a monthly retreat for a night, - thinking, meditation, yoga sort of thing. OK I said, good idea.

Then it seemed to keep changing...I looked up proper retreats for him but he wasn't interested. It ended up with him just booking a night at a hotel. Mmm..ok. But then I asked which hotel, just making conversation really, had he found somewhere? He evaded the question. On the day he was leaving, he was at work in the morning and just left me a note saying 'We'll be leaving about 12.' Who the hell is 'we' I was thinking, not to mention still wondering why the hell he couldn't tell me where he was going. So I visited him at work (private office he was the only one in building, not a big embarrassing showdown or anything, and basically lost it. He refused to explain why it had to be a secret where he was going, he said the note was a mistake for 'Will be leaving at 12'. He got really furious that I didn't trust him. I started bawling, we were both shouting, it wasn't good at all. He did finally throw a print out of the hotel details at me.

The next month he texted me the name of the hotel as he left. After that, nothing, and I'm now scared to ask because of setting off a big row.

I don't actually think he IS up to anything, he is such a decent bloke, and when would he get time really - but the whole secrecy thing I find absolutely unacceptable and there is no good reason for it. That doesn't mean there's a bad reason either, I think he is just being stupid (he does have a stubborn streak. Just being asked is enough to make him not answer).

SO I've been gritting my teeth and feeling !!!!ed off but putting up with it. I really didn't feel suspicious of him.

But today I've found a list of expenses he has written for Saturday. Petrol food etc. He is very obsessive about lists, writes loads all the time, so it would be done very seriously. There is no hotel cost on this list. There is something that I can only make to read 'Play - £25'. And there's a few small 'eating outs' for a couple of quid, but then 'eating out' at nearly £40. Now I want to ask about this, but HOW. He's going to be angry just because I've asked and am 'checking up' on him. But I can't just forget these, I've got a stone in my stomach right now. What 'play' - he went to the theatre? Where's the hotel cost? If no hotel, where was he staying? If he spent £40 on a meal that's a lot for one person...

either he's living it up and having a nice weekend away without me but on his own (and we are skint at the moment, and we spend so very little time together, I can't stand it if he is being that selfish. Plus theatre really really isn't his thing). Maybe he just forgot to write down the hotel.

or...well, what would you think?

I DO trust him I just can't imagine him cheating. But I've been a fool for this in the past, so I can't ignore this. I want there to be a perfectly sensible explanation so we can laugh about this. But I know that if I ask him, he won't want to explain things out of principle or feeling insulted that I don't trust him, which will just make things worse. After all, someone with a guilty conscience would just get angry and turn it back on the asker as well.

Help. What do I say to get this started and keep it nice and calm?

msb5262

Hello OP,

Sorry to hear of your trouble.

I think you should make a short list of points for yourself, then choose a time when your OH isn't about to rush off somewhere else.
Take the phone off the hook and don't answer the door.
Try to start by saying that you are confused and you'd like to talk to him about something. Then pitch in but try not to accuse.

I'm afraid that from what you've put in your post, it doesn't look good but you must see what he says and decide if it adds up for you.

Best of luck

MsB

paddy's_mum

What a horrible situation to be in!

Despite money being short, I'm afraid that I couldn't rest until I had done a bit more snooping and/or checking up, using a Private Investigator if need be. If hubby wants to be selfish, stubborn and secretive then he has nobody but himself to blame if you have to stoop so low (as it were).

I hope for your sake that things turn out alright but I have to say that my Bulls#$t alarm bells are ringing. Does he have a mobile and if so, is he keeping that more secret than usual? Are you able to unobtrusively check the mileage on the car?

Good luck.

Mrs_Arcanum

By immediately clamming up he is trying to make you the villain, do not let him do this. Does he have any family nearby you could talk to to perhaps find an alternative approach to getting at the truth?

Regardless of what he is doing or why, the fact he is being so secretive and is unable to trust you with the truth is really worrying.

mandi

No wonder alarm bells are ringing .

Personally I would be having this out with him massive row or not

There are lots of unanswered questions that need addressed .

Why when you spend so little time together is he swanning off for nights away on his own ?...

RuthnJasper

Hello OP. Like the others who have posted, I would like to say how sorry I am that this is happening. I can't imagine how awful it must be making you feel.

Even if nothing at all is going on, it is still unsettling to find that your OH cannot be open with you and seems to be creeping around behind your back.

My initial suspicions would be that he's up to no good, but I would need to have it confirmed before I barrelled in, firing on all cylinders. Maybe he was planning a romantic surprise for you and you've accidentally scuppered it? That's one option, I guess. But you are right that you need to speak to him about it.

Are you able to go away with him for a weekend break at an hotel somewhere? Even just for a long ramble in the countryside? Somewhere with a complete change of scenery, in a relaxed atmosphere, just you and him. Reaffirm to him how much you love and care for him and invite him to share with you anything that he might have on his mind. If he's not very forthcoming, explain that his actions are confusing and hurtful to you and that, if he's having some kind of problem, you are there to support him.

Of course, if he IS having an affair, I'd probably get Jasper-dog to bite off OH's dirty, cheating, Jacobs'... But there may still be an innocent explanation to this business.

The key, I think, is to try and discuss the matter without shouting and hurling accusations - that's harder than it sounds, though. Also remember that even if he has had a minor indiscretion, it isn't necessarily the end.

Good luck to you Ostrich. PM me if you need to offload - and I hope that all turns out OK. xxx

whitewing

play could be play.com - DVDs or books or CDs or anything.

Men do need 'alone' time and they can be selfish/unreasonable about it. It doesn't mean is cheating, but it doesn't mean you should ignore it.

My DH was on internet sites and it bugged me a little as he was quite guilty about it. But actually he was just looking at cars. He didn't want to tell me because I get cross when we go through our priorities and then he still wants big items that we have agree can wait.

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks, you've calmed me down a bit and it's nice to have it confirmed that I'm not being unreasonable in wanting a few answers, but I'm trying not to leap to any conclusions either.

I don't mind him wanting some time out/alone, I do too, I'm just not all secretive about it! To be fair, he did suggest we went away together Sun night but I said no, we can't really afford it and I suppose I;m just not in the mood for playing romantic couples with him right now.

He's watching something on tv that finishes at 2pm. Will talk to him then.

Feel a bit sick about it all. Neither of us is very good at the whole 'talking' stuff, but we don't do enough and it just ends up causing problems. We need to talk more - well, we need to talk 'better' truth be told. It's either an argument or a lecture/moan usually.

Fingers crossed we can have a proper grow-up conversation this time. Thanks.

paddy's_mum

You could usefully remind your husband that he does not have a monopoly on stress and that a wife who is feeling like a dressing-gown (hung up on the back of the wardrobe door and ignored until needed again!) will stop pulling in harness with him ... then he'll have more stress and trouble to deal with than he can handle.

You might want to point out to him that he has choices - he can behave like an adult and discuss your life without exploding or leave it until the day he has to explain it all to the divorce court Judge. Good luck.

MarzipanFish

I think its really unfair of him to make out you're the bad guy 'snooping' and not trusting him when it's him being unreasonably secretive & evasive. IMO it's perfectly normal & OK for you to want to know where he's staying and to talk to him about his weekend. I'm sure you know that already but I know you can start to think 'Am I just being a controlling nosy !!!!!?' when someone seems so adamant that you are!

go_cat

Have you tried ringing him when he is away ...does he answer?

Is there a colleague of his you could subtley mention to see if you get the same story?

awful situation but be prepared for him to get defensive when you try and get the truth good luck