Help! Need to talk to OH.

go_cat

I would be asking this "friend" if indeed he was taken to the theatre - ask him what he thought of ..... whatever they saw and if he looks blankly you will know the truth

j.e.j.

OP it sounds as though you might benefit from a bit of time to yourself in order to get things a bit clear in your mind? This does seem like strange behaviour from your husband. Two things come to mind, firstly possibly marriage guidance counselling (if he would be willing to go), OR i would contemplate as an earlier poster suggested getting a private detective. I have no idea what this would cost, mind, and you say money is tight at the moment. Interesting post by Brecon Beacons, too.
I hope you both manage to sort things out.

make_me_wise

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I said HE was the one who doesn't want to be in a couple and refuses to ever discuss anything seriously, but I do, and he just said 'that's interesting' like it was big news.

Anyway, we both went a bit quiet, he eventually said, 'so we need to talk more then,' and went back to watching the tv. I was quite upset for a bit and had a cry as now I'm wondering what I'm doing here/what he wants to be with me for? Just so he gets his dinner cooked and the odd leg-over?

So he goes back to watching the TV like nothing has happened and you are left in bits, really upset and questioning your marriage. That speaks volumes about the state of your relationship. As does the way he reacted to you saying he doesn't want to be in a couple.

I'll be frank with you. Stop wondering why he wants to be with you and start asking yourself do you really want to be with him.

bylromarha

OP

*****HUGS*****

Sounds awful and your shoes must be a hard place to be at the moment.

Can I suggest that, instead of continuing going down the accusations, inquisitive route you go down the lets have some fun together route?

You will have to do something about it. Book the time in with him in the diary. Make it happen. Regularly.

I was close on walking out on my marriage in 2007 as OH was working all hours and just didn't listen, or couldn't hear me, asking for some of his time as I could see our relationship was going so bad. It took me walking out with the kids on a surprise holiday, where he discovered we'd gone when he came home and found the note, for him to actually realise and see that WE needed time. He'd got so into work, sleep, eat cycle that everything else got pushed out. His way of dealing with lots of work was head down and push everything else, including family, out. Your OHs way of dealing with it may be to get away from it all with a mate.

Some men do function emotionally very differently from women - you know your OH best - not us on the forum. It may be his only way to deal with what you'd said was to go back to the TV so he could process it all. My OH cannot continue a conversation of that emotional depth without having some time out for him to get his head round it. He walks off and leaves me sobbing. Your OH watches TV to deal with it maybe?

It may be that your relationship hasn't communicated well for a while so it's difficult for him to know how to best deal with this in the loving way you deserve. I know when OH and I haven't been close for a while, it's harder to get close again as you have a few attachments that you need to rebuild before you can get back to where you should be. Is this the case for you both? Have you forgotten how to effectively communicate with each other?

And please remember that we only know your side of the story on here, so you are going to get people reading into your take on events...OH may have started a different thread on another forum talking about his wife not understanding that he needs his own space and privacy, suspects him of being gay as he wrote the word We'll instead of Will (asking forum mates "like I'd be that stupid if I was having an affair?") and seems to deny him catching up with old mates. What do you think that forum would be saying to him?

You know you guys best, not us on a computer forum. Ask yourself what the perfect conclusion is to your scenario and do everything in your power to get there and make it happen. All the best.

themull1

You don't go to the Theatre if you want to chat with an old school mate! I never thought my husband would cheat till he left me for a younger model.

It sounds a bit fishy to me, and the being religious thing and needing to find himself, sounds like a cop out.

heretolearn_2

I have to agree with the poster above who says none of us know him like you do. Trust your instincts and as you say, use your head as well as your heart. Some people are very clumsy in the way they deal with their 'loved ones', it sounds as if you both are unhappy and have forgotten how to talk and be together. Now you've started talking, that's a great start. Keep going and I also agree though that you have to think about what YOU want at this point. If it's time to move on, then find that new job, get some savings together, and do it. My biggest regret about my marriage is that I stayed in it far too long trying to make it work when it was pointless. But is it really that bad for you two?

The meal and theatre for two men is more than a little bit weird though. Are you sure it's really the friend who was there?

JoJoB

It's obvious he's keeping something from you. This behaviour just isn't right. You may never find out exactly what went on - but even without these suspicions he isn't treating you right and your relationship has clearly broken down and things can't continue in this manner anymore.

Maybe he will start to see the light and start putting more effort in at home now that he sees he is on the verge of losing it all. But if he doesn't then I would say this is one of those situations which warrants the checking of his mobile phone/mobile phone bill/email/internet history and a good rummage through his desk/briefcase. Screw his right to privacy to be honest. You're meant to be his partner and he's wanting a secret life away from you, expecting to be able to go away regularly to a place where you can't find him, and has a secretive past that he won't talk to you about even though it is invading the present and affecting his relationship? He's treating you like a teenager would treat his parents.

jetta_wales

I must admit him being gay was the first thing that I was thinking reading about him being religious and needing alone time to sort his head out. Could be a big turmoil in his head if his religion states homosexuality as a sin (as many of them do).

Either way though good relationships do not have secrets and certainly not as many as he seems to have. Your best bet would be counselling but this isn't right at all.

Wanting to know things he's purposefully trying to keep from you is not about you not trusting him it's about him not trusting to if he feels the need to keep secrets in the first place. There is just no need for secrets.

lostinrates

heretolearn wrote: »

The meal and theatre for two men is more than a little bit weird though. Are you sure it's really the friend who was there?

Posted this but same has been said by a few people and I'd like to suggest this is not ''weird'' depending on the men, their background etc. DH and his brother sometimes meet up for theatre and meal, as they might with their dad. Their dad who lives overseas comes over for the occasional week/10 day stint with out his wife and goes to lunch with a friend each day, the theatre with an other friend and a meal afterwards....why? He likes food, hates cooking and likes the theatre.

Its not uncommon tbh. DH meets up with friend/s for a concert and a meal...its not that different.


All that said, I agree with caitlyn22:

I think that everyone is entitled to their own brand of crazy every now and then but more than anything his behaviour seems really disrespectful.

unusual or less common ways of spending time with friends, or alone, is one thing, but being disrespectful to one's partner, and the relationship is another. This stinks or the latter I'm afraid. Personally, I wouldn't be able to let it rest after this ''discussion'. I'm not really a fan of counselling, but a third party in the form of a relationship therapist might be able to act as a catalyst to communication?

MarzipanFish

LiR I think you make a good point about the activities.

I think it's a tad harsh to effectively argue 'proper straight men don't go to the theatre so he's probably gay!'. I'm pretty sure my OH would rather do that with a mate than do something like go watch a football match & get !!!!ed on lager with them which wouldn't be seen as suspicious at all.
I know OP said she didn't think he was into going to the theatre but some of the comments do seem to stem more from it being an unusual activity for 2 blokes to do rather than that. Unless it's enormously out of character for him personally it seems a bit crazy to draw conclusions like that.

Don't take this the wrong way... I think the secrecy is wrong and what I posted about him being the one in the wrong is still my opinion!