Help! Need to talk to OH.

Errata

It would seem that attending the theatre is enormously out of character as well as being an unusual expense he appears not to be able to afford.

either he's living it up and having a nice weekend away without me but on his own (and we are skint at the moment, and we spend so very little time together, I can't stand it if he is being that selfish. Plus theatre really really isn't his thing). Maybe he just forgot to write down the hotel.

murphydog999

It shouts out using 'escorts' to me.

NickyBat

murphydog999 wrote: »

It shouts out using 'escorts' to me.

For £25!!!

BugglyB

ostrichnomore wrote: »

no kids between us, each got separately, no pets. We are middle aged.

I know, I know, but if this is it I'm stuffed. I gave up my council flat to come and live in his house away from my home territory. Actually I work for him as well so I'd be homeless, jobless and up !!!! creek without a paddle! That's no reason to stay though.

But I do want this to work. He IS a good guy, and a decent guy, and I love him (though I'm well aware there is a time for head to rule your heart). I just don't know....this isn't good enough. Can it BE good enough? Is it worth it? When it's good, it's very good. It just goes through long period of blah with only a few little good bits.

I do feel very bad for you.

I think, the bit I've highlighted is the bit you need to concentrate on. Do you feel at the moment you can make a balanced decision based on your feelings or is your head ruling your heart? If you were financially independent and could just buy a house for yourself no problem would you be out of there like a shot?

What I would suggest is applying for other jobs, and looking for alternative accomodation. Just so you know your options and dont feel so trapped.

pokerpad

Are you still close sexually?

Percy1983

This is an interesting one, as a man I can't see the logic. With that my other half leaves me to it and I don't hold withold any information.

With that time aprt for me is playing my games on my PC/Xbox while she watches the soap operas!

It sounds like communication has started at least so keep going, the best I can say say is if things start turning into a row, stay calm and literally say I don't like the direction this is heading, either talk calmly or stop talking.

londoner1998

ostrichnomore wrote: »

no kids between us, each got separately, no pets. We are middle aged.

I know, I know, but if this is it I'm stuffed. I gave up my council flat to come and live in his house away from my home territory. Actually I work for him as well so I'd be homeless, jobless and up !!!! creek without a paddle! That's no reason to stay though.

But I do want this to work. He IS a good guy, and a decent guy, and I love him (though I'm well aware there is a time for head to rule your heart). I just don't know....this isn't good enough. Can it BE good enough? Is it worth it? When it's good, it's very good. It just goes through long period of blah with only a few little good bits.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this... I have been in a similar situation and I knwo how much it hurts. What I find is a big red flag is the fact that you communicate by email!! I guess is better than nothing, but this has to get better.
I think it is a positive thing that he said 'so we need to talk more then'- he just doesn't seem to know how to do it. MY OH can be like that and generally clams up if he is in the middle of a big problem he doesn;t know how to tackle (the latest was his ex not letting him see his child). He even said once 'I don't know the words'

While I respect he wants his own time (and I think it is healthy you both have that) it is not on not to trust you- it appears you have got used to do your own thing. So you have to start gently to keep the little communication channel open and make him get used to be with you more- and I complet;ey second what Percy said: if the conversation turn into a row, sayd calmy you don;t want to argue, you want to talk and when he is in a better mood, you are all ears. I started doing this once I got sick of arguing always over the same things and now it is much better- if he sulks, gets angry or refuses to engage, I leave it- go , make myslef gorgeous and tell him I am out for a drink with a friend. Nine out of ten times he texts to say 'sorry, I was not very nice' and afterwards we can talk. COncfentrate a bit more on yourslef, write a diary, go out... he will soon notice that you are not running after him and he will have to change tacks if he really cares. I am not advocating playing games, but rather changing the dynamics that he is using to push you away and leave you powerless, witout knowing what's going on or even able to talk. You need to regain some control.

It is not easy but it is do-able, with patience and a lot of self-control

ostrichnomore_2

Hi I'm back. Thanks for all the thoughts and advice and best wishes, they have helped me a lot.

WE had another little argument that night, just picking it all over really, anyway there was a bit more info that made it all sound a bit more logical than two non-arty blokes taking themselves off to the theatre. It was actually the cinema, I picked up 'play' meaning theatre play, he meant 'play' as in leisure activity (he's a bit obsessive about his lists, he writes an itemised budget each week and that's what he calls all the fun stuff) and he just didn't think it made that much difference to correct me at the time. So another wee row about don't tell me one thing at one time, and something else later, and then I asked about the hotel bill (just not written down yet) and then he got in a strop about not liking being spied on and questioned! So..pretty huffy evening all round.

But since then we have tentatively started trying to 'make up' a bit and will try and arrange some time each week to talk about anything that's bugging us or we should discuss. We basically have grown terribly far apart for reasons of time, both being quite independent, and both getting the hump over things and pulling away. So we'll see.

I have decided to find another job though, I think I need my financial independence again for lots of reasons, and this is something I've been considering for several months.

I am also 100% sure he isn't gay or using escorts and yes, we are quite happy in the bedroom, thank you.

whitewing

That sounds a lot more plausible to me. Especially the bit about not bothering to correct you. My DH can be like that if he feels like I'm too much like hard work!

I think with a new job, you'll all feel a lot better. He does need to make the effort too, but it sounds more like a normal wobbly patch.

fudgecat

Actually it doesn`t matter a tinkers cuss whether he is with a female or male somone else, whether it is sexual or not. The bottom line is that he is secretive, non commuicative and treating you with contempt and suspicion. You are very vulnerable financially and in terms of accommodation and it seems he wants to make this a hat trick emotionally.
This is a poor relationship with you getting the mucky end of the stick. Ask yourself if you wish to stay with an emotionally buttoned up secretive person, regularly abandoned and kept in the dark. If the answer is yes, enjoy. If not, you know what to do.