Help! Need to talk to OH.

nzmegs

Please look up OCPD - Obsessive compulsive personality disorder. it is characterised by odd behaviour, angry outbursts, obsessive lists and having trouble understanding someone elses point of view. In other words he will always think he is right and bringing up anything which you consider to be wrong (and lets face it - we all think this is wrong) will be met with anger and plenty of justification. most of which you will be unable to argue with.

getting a straight answer out of your OH is going to be near on impossible. You need to get some proof of what is going on. I would visit his hotel room in the evening. if everything is all ok and he is just watching a film or whatever. then fine - say you really missed him, it was your birthday weekend and you wanted to surprise him and do something nice. if it all kicks off you are at least able to leave and go home. (you can't do that if you are already at home).

I think getting a friend to go to the cinema is a good idea. Even if he recognised them, he couldn't prove they weren't there as a coincidence. Tell her to take some photos.

elvis86

I'm sorry OP, but your relationship is a joke.

Where 2 people who are equals are in a committed, loving relationship, there are not monthly weekends where one partner disappears, spends money on leisure activities that the other partner can't afford, and refuses to tell the other where they are or what they're doing!

Have you no self-respect? How can you live with this man and claim to be in a loving relationship with the massive white elephant of these "retreats" in the room that you are forbidden to mention?! I actually can't believe what I've read!? How do you just not mention it?

Wake up and smell the coffee, girl.

Sambucus_Nigra

elvis86 wrote: »

Wake up and smell the coffee, girl.

Mely

Op i cant believe that you have put up with this situation for a year! You need to get to the bottom of what is happening asap, for your own peace of mind if nothing else. As others have suggested i think you need to check through his bank accounts to see if there are any other suspicious payments that have gone out over the previous months. You may get some clues there. Also keep quiet that you know about the cinema tickets and either yourself or a friend need to 'stake out' the cinema to see who he is going with and/or turn up at his hotel room one evening and see what he is up to. I cant see any other way that you are going to find out the truth of what is really going on here, as he just keeps you going around in circles when you do ask him questions. Something is definately not right and you owe it to yourself (especially after all this time) to find out what it is!!!!

ostrichnomore_2

Call me niaive but I don't actually believe he is up to anything wrong, he's just being a bit of a selfish git. But those two tickets are going to niggle at me if I don't find out what they are about. So it's somehow checking on the cinema. If he doesn't turn up, well, I'll wait to see if I get taken - like I said I just know it's 2 tickets for that cinema, I don't know the date. It's just that he's bought them today and he is going to that area tomorrow for his weekend. If he turns up with a mate, ok, I'll just go away and mind my business. If it's a woman...hmmm...don't know, there's no reason for that I can think of that is good!

Quite how is another matter.

I just want to cry. I'm going to be miserable if I ask him as it'll cause a row, and I'm going to be miserable if I don't.

Or i stick my head in the sand (ha, bit of a theme going on there) and just keep going on blind trust. I find that hard though as in both my other serious relationships it ended because my partner was unfaithful to me. I try really hard not to bring that baggage forward with me. But I've always not seen what was obviously under my nose, before.

JodyBPM

OP, how old is your DH? Is it possible he has an "adult" child that he could have recently found out about? This would explain no child support going out of the account plus he may well go to plays, meals, cinema etc with a young adult. Mind you, I can't think why he wouldn't have told you about that. My other thought, as another poster suggested, was issues with his sexuality.

Whatever it is, I wouldn't live with it. I'd lay an ultimatum (and mean it!) of 'fess up or get out. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have stood for one "escape", but certainly not on a regular basis, and it would be a deal breaker for me in terms of the relationship that my OH needed to escape from me, and that he was being secretive with me.

I think you need to get to the bottom of this, whatever the outcome is.

Sambucus_Nigra

ostrichnomore wrote: »

But I've always not seen what was obviously under my nose, before.

It's not under your nose though is it - it's screaming in your face.

poorly_scammo

My first thought was, he's gay and this bloke he's meeting is his gay lover then someone mentioned a secret child and that seemed a distinct possibility.

I don't see how you can trust him OP, when he is being so furtive. Something is so wrong here and his defensiveness only adds to the suspicion that there is a major secret in his life, whatever it is.

I cannot believe that he doesn't see how his behaviour is making the whole thing worse. Row or no, you have to get this out of him. He might even be relieved in the long run that he no longer has to keep this secret.

ostrichnomore_2

We are going out tonight. I'm going to raise the weekend 'in conversation', without mentioning the tickets etc to see what he says - if he says 'this weekend I've arranged to meet X' then problem solved. If not, I'll see. It would take me a couple of hundred quid to get a PI to watch the cinema for the whole evening but it might be worth it for peace of mind - I expect him either to not be there this weekend or turn up with an old school mate or something, really, it's just that niggle niggle niggle in the back of my mind.

He is not a bad bloke really, just ultra defensive, neither of us is very good at talking about stuff calmly, and after my meltdown and his being bloody awkward for the sake of it last time the topic came up, it's become a bit of a taboo subject. He says 'I'm away this weekend' and I sort of huff and that's it.

the_cat

Do you seriously believe that your biggest problem is if he has got some 'bit on the side' who he spends these weekends with?

He is selfish, manipulative, secretive, refuses to discuss things with you, rows and blames you if you try. You have rolled over for a year now and what has changed? How happy are you? Are you content to live like this for the rest of your life? Putting yourself last and swallowing your resentment? Teaching your kids that it is ok to be treated like cr+p.

Who the hell cares whether he is sleeping with someone else. Thats the least of your problems