Help! Need to talk to OH.

ostrichnomore_2

Hi, thanks for all the messages.

I bottled it for a while but did talk to him in the end. There's good and bad really.

OK, it was theatre tickets and a meal for 2. But he says it was one of his old school friends (who I know) as he wanted to talk through some problems with him. He took him out in the evening to say thanks. the whole point of these 'retreats' is to sort his head out and 'find himself' again. Call me naive if you like but i do believe him over this.

I said going for a lads night out isn't exactly my definition of a retreat of mediatation, isolation etc, which is what he's told me he's been doing. He said it wasn't a lads night out, it was all part of trying to sort out a problem.

So then of course I wanted to know why in 6 months of mediation, isolation, thinking and problems he hasn't said one word to me about any of it. Why can't he talk to me about his problems? We are supposed to be a couple a partnership etc, why shut me out. He said I'm too independent and he can't talk to me. Right...so then we had a bit of a mini row about who is impossible to talk to, not really a row, but we disagreed a bit.I said HE was the one who doesn't want to be in a couple and refuses to ever discuss anything seriously, but I do, and he just said 'that's interesting' like it was big news. Really, he won't discuss anything, he emails me decisions he's made sometimes (good grief) 'FYI' but doesn't discuss them with me. There's an issue at the moment he said he tried to involve me with but I wasn't interested. What? I said emailing me isn't the same thing. I've even emailed him back and he hasn't responded to it. Last time he emailed me about it I replied 'we need to talk about this properly, not through email' so how he can say I'm not interested in talking about things, I don't know.

I also brought up the secrecy about where he goes. He said he told me where in the end and he always goes to the same place, so what's the problem. I didn't know he always goes there. And I still didn't get a decent answer as to why the secrecy in the first place. He says it's because he didn't want me going there/contacting him/disturbing him. That's really insulting, does he think I'm too stupid to understand that he needed to be alone for a bit, does he think I'm a loony or something. I've never acted jealous or every asked him to explain anything ever ever before in the 10 years we've been together. I suppose what I wanted was an apology from him for having such a low opinion of me that I'd what, burst in on him or something?, and for upsetting me so much at the time so unneccessarily, but I didn't get one. He thinks it's over so why bring it up again? I asked him to think about 'what if his friend came to him and asked for advice because his wife was going away to a hotel once a month but refusing to say where'. what would he say to the friend? How did he expect the friend to fee? But he still just said he's told me now so what's the problem.


But essentially I'm left with the feeling that we are not a couple any more in his eyes. It's not really a surprise. He hardly ever wants to do anything with me or spend time with me, it's like he avoids me most of the time, even when we are both in the house. When it comes to going out or leisure time actively doing something together, it's a couple of hours a month on average. The stupid thing is I do think he loves me, he's just sort of 'dead' inside. He's said that himself.

Anyway, we both went a bit quiet, he eventually said, 'so we need to talk more then,' and went back to watching the tv. I was quite upset for a bit and had a cry as now I'm wondering what I'm doing here/what he wants to be with me for? Just so he gets his dinner cooked and the odd leg-over?

Errata

Just so he gets his dinner cooked and the odd leg-over?

TBH if that's what it feels like to you, perhaps that's what it actually is.

Incyder

have you got kids or pets, how old are you both ?

Spring_Time

I am so, so sorry and my post may be totally uncalled for but I think there may someone else and not a guy friend from old.

I do wish you lots and lots of strength and I do hope I am horribly wrong. Good luck op, none of this is fair on you, if there is no one else, then I can't help thinking that your hubby is not on the same page as you as far as your marriage is concerned. I am really sorry, you must be in so much turmoil.

coffeemonster*123

it's good you've started to talk, but i'd be left feeling confused and still in the dark
If you're in a relationship shouldn't you tell each other your problems and try to work them out together?
Why is he so angry that you want to know where he is swaning off to having 'me time'.
If the shoe were on the other foot how would he feel?
Hope it all works out and you get the honesty you deserve

ostrichnomore_2

no kids between us, each got separately, no pets. We are middle aged.

I know, I know, but if this is it I'm stuffed. I gave up my council flat to come and live in his house away from my home territory. Actually I work for him as well so I'd be homeless, jobless and up !!!! creek without a paddle! That's no reason to stay though.

But I do want this to work. He IS a good guy, and a decent guy, and I love him (though I'm well aware there is a time for head to rule your heart). I just don't know....this isn't good enough. Can it BE good enough? Is it worth it? When it's good, it's very good. It just goes through long period of blah with only a few little good bits.

Rikki

I wondered if you suggested you that were the one to go away for the night this month at a hotel of your choice and he spends the night at home on his own. What kind of response you would get?

sueeve

Would he mind if you went away on your own without explanation? If he doesn't I think that's more worrying than if he does.But you do sound to me as though counselling would be a help, if you are losing the ability to talk to one another, and to listen to one another. You say that he is religious. Could it be that something is weighing on his conscience which he can't admit to you? I don't necessarily mean another relationship. I also know that people who aren't religious have consciences!

ostrichnomore_2

Oh the problem with the friend, ah it's an old thing, more something in his past that haunts him rather, I know a little bit about it but not much, but from what he says sometimes about being 'dead' inside and the little I know about what happened, sometimes I wonder if he has that post-traumatic stress thing. It was a long time ago though. Anyway this friend was around at the time and while he didn't say what they discussed he did say it was something from long ago and this friend was able to answer a few questions for him.

!!!!, I might just go and ask him what it's all about and see if he will open up about it.

CH27

If you are living & working together I understand his need for space BUT he needs to be considerate of your feelings & be totally honest with you.