Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

Caroline_a

too_much_debt wrote: »

And how would I pay my credit card bills every month, pay for food for my kids and also pay for anything else as he certainly wouldn't give me any so then I'd have the bailiffs at the door once I miss paying all my bills. As I said before I can't get a job because of his hours, before I met him I had two jobs. He doesn't want me to get a job either when I say about paying for childcare he says no he doesn't want that.

At least your OH buys you presents then even if he doesn't wrap them, I'd love a present or a card even, this year on my birthday he was working on the day, he didn't wish me happy birthday before he left, he didn't leave me a card and he rang me up at 5.30 saying he was in Sainsburys so I knew he was buying a card so I told him not to buy me a card as I don't want to be an after thought. He will get the same treatment on his birthday in July, I'm not buying him anything either.

On £15 a week which is what you said you earned?

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

I can really see him elsewhere on the internet writing the other side of this story. Would it look something like this?

"When she's not looking after the kids, my OH spends all her spare time on the internet 'working' - she says it's a business, but it never brings in any money, so it's really just a hobby. All I ask her to pay for is stuff for the kids - their food and presents, but she doesn't even earn enough for that and comes scrounging to me for more money. She won't go out and get a better paid job and keeps insisting that I make my mum sell one of her homes, instead, so my inheritance can fund her pet project."

I don't scrounge to him I ask him for things for his kids, I think he was there at the conception or was it the Postman? I will go out and get a job if he didn't work evenings and weekends. His mum told a Judge at the Royal Courts of Justice that she would sell her house to pay him his inheritance and hasn't done it. And why does she need two homes, she can only live in one. I don't want his inheritance, I want him to get his inheritance as he told me he would stop working the weekends once he had it.

I'd love to go out and get a job and have adult conversation and earn my own money but can't and he doesn't want me to.

Getting sick of comments like these, how am I scrounging asking him to pay for stuff for his kids when I don't have enough to do it hardly unreasonable.

seven-day-weekend

Does he actually know how little you have to manage on? Have you ever discussed it? Or do you expect him to magically know (I know it should be obvious, but sometimes it isn't).

You grumble about him not buying you a card and then grizzle because he is buying one at 5.30 and won't let him buy one? What's wrong with buying one at 5.30?? You can't have it all ways and anyway it is not all that important in the overall scheme of things.

If he is aware how little money you have then that IS important, but things like buying a card (or not) are not, imho.

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

He could see both sides of things too, could he? He sounds like a catch!


£15/week isn't much to OP - that's the point. OPs mentioned several times that her OH has complained about the amount of time that she spends on the computer, wrapping things up, going to the post office etc - so it's clearly a substantial amount of time she's spending on this- and for practically no reward. If nothing else, OP could do surveys online and make more money each week...There just *has* to be a better way of spending her time...Ironing clothes, whatever....

The point is, whether *you* needed it or not, it doesn't seem like the OP does....Her OH can afford £150 on plants here, £1000 on land there...So, if needed, they could get by just as well without this ebay nonsense...and it's clear that it's causing significant tensions in their relationship and running OP ragged, so why on earth would you keep doing it? It's so obviously not worth it...

How does this work 'they could get by just as well' when he doesn't pay for anything, he's not going to give me money just because I stop doing Ebay I am doing Ebay as it is the only thing I can do at the moment to make some money and I do get back what I have paid out for the stock when I sell something but am not making much 'profit' on it.

As it is my only income, no Ebay, no money, no food for kids, no clothes for kids, no shoes for kids, no b/day xmas presents for kids. Jeez

too_much_debt

Mojisola wrote: »

Look at what he earns! Despite that, he's expecting her to provide for a lot of their children's needs.

Actually he earns £39k not £37k like I thought.

too_much_debt

daska wrote: »

"It's so obviously not worth it" could be the motto for their relationship, not just her business.

Thanks for making me laugh, that is the first time I've laughed today.

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

Which may or may not be unreasonable...A good deal of families these days have 2 working parents...so perhaps it's not unreasonable for him to expect OP to contribute a little. I'm on a similar wage to him, but believe it or not, things would get very tight if my OH had a child - once her maternity leave was over, she'd need to get back to work, or ends wouldn't meet.

That said, it seems like his shift patterns may be making it difficult for the OP to find "normal" work - in which case, you'd think that he'd be a little understanding and not expect her to contribute...

But then if she can find time to do all this ebay stuff, it's hard to imagine that she doesn't have time / a way to do something more valuable with her time if she really wanted to.

Maybe he should drop the weekends and she could get a weekend job - would maybe earn more, but then they'd never see each other.

It's a complicated situation...and most people in this world are reasonable. You have to start from trying to see the logic in things before assuming he's just a horrible, mean, man.

The thing is I don't mind contributing and I pay for most things for my kids it's the fact that when I don't have much money to pay for something I should be able to ask him to pay for it, surely that is not unreasonable.

He won't drop the weekends until he gets his inheritance from his mum and that is not going to be for a long time, she'll have the houses repossessed before he gets a penny or will die and any equity if there is any left after paying two mortgages, all her credit card bills etc there will be nothing left for any of them.

I get annoyed when he throws at me that he pays everything when I pay out a lot too, then he will say 'oh yes I know that' so he's trying to make me feel bad and make out he does everything when he's doing nothing different than he was 10.5 years ago when I met him.

daska

too_much_debt wrote: »

Thanks for making me laugh, that is the first time I've laughed today.

I'm truly sorry, that's awful.

Maybe it's time to say 'sod what you want me to do' you don't have to say it out loud. Get yourself a job, sort out some childcare. What's he going do? Will he even know?

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

I quite agree with your second point...but on the first, the OP's not "slogging away" for this money, she's just wasting time - which he probably realises. And I doubt he sees why he should give up his hobbies (plants?) to subsidise hers (ebay).

It's clear here that things are broken, but it may not be entirely one party's fault...

He doesn't subsidise my Ebay, he doesn't want to give me any money so he is glad I am doing Ebay to earn money to pay for things and I am happy to pay for things when I have the money but if at anytime I don't have enough for something I should be able to ask him if he could pay it.

I don't know where this idea has come that he is subsidising me he doesn't give me anything moneywise or any other wise. Poor hard done by man with £2k in the bank, spending £50 a month on the lottery just paying for petrol for his car yet when we go anywhere we use my car and use all my diesel so I'm having to pay out more for diesel, if my car goes wrong it won't be him paying for it or even offering to pay a bit it will be me paying it with my credit card and him quite happy to see me adding to my debt, maybe he thinks if I have all this debt I won't leave him.

JodyBPM

too_much_debt wrote: »

.

As it is my only income, no Ebay, no money, no food for kids, no clothes for kids, no shoes for kids, no b/day xmas presents for kids. Jeez

Surely you have child benefit for 3 children in your name and payable to you (if not it should be for Home Responsibilities Protection reasons) Plus CTC. For 3 children that will be about £10.50 a week CTC plus about £47 a week CB. So that is £57.50 a week to pay for childrens clothes, childrens shoes, childrens b'day presents and childrens food (? not quite sure how childrens food works, why are they not eating the family food?) In any case, this amounts to a LOT more that the £15 a week you get from ebaying. Unless you spend less than 2 hours a week ebaying, I would personally ditch it, it is not worth the time and effort. If you are only spending 2 hours a week, then its hardly a big deal.

In all honesty, his inheritance is up to him, it was from before you were on the scene, and if he wants to give or lend it to his mother, I don't think this is any of your concern, unless he asks your opinion.

On a salary of only £37K pa he is paying a large mortgage, council tax, bills, transport costs (do you run a car?), insurances, general household maintenance and expenditure etc - I wouldn't imagine he has a whole lot left. You have £200 plus per month for the children's clothes, shoes and presents, which seems reasonable on the face of it. I wouldn't be suprised if after he pays for what he has to if he had less than £200 a month "spending money". Agreed, yours will go on the children, and he should take that into account and factor in some personal money for you too out of the family pot, but surely this is something you need to talk to him about, rather than b1tch on an internet forum about?

If you become a single mum, and have to pay your own rent, ct, bills etc, you will be a LOT worse off financially than you are now.

Gosh I wish I could live in a fully paid up house, without worrying about bills and not have to go to work. I have two children, work part time, contribute to the bills, do 90% of the housework, and spend a lot of "my" money on the children. Its what being a mother is!