Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

daska

Idiophreak wrote: »

The point is, whether *you* needed it or not, it doesn't seem like the OP does....Her OH can afford £150 on plants here, £1000 on land there...So, if needed, they could get by just as well without this ebay nonsense...and it's clear that it's causing significant tensions in their relationship and running OP ragged, so why on earth would you keep doing it? It's so obviously not worth it...

But that's exactly it, she's slogging away for her £15 a week because he can and will spend £150 on plants but won't spend £72 on food or expects her to pay him back when he does.

"It's so obviously not worth it" could be the motto for their relationship, not just her business.

Idiophreak

Mojisola wrote: »

Look at what he earns! Despite that, he's expecting her to provide for a lot of their children's needs.

Which may or may not be unreasonable...A good deal of families these days have 2 working parents...so perhaps it's not unreasonable for him to expect OP to contribute a little. I'm on a similar wage to him, but believe it or not, things would get very tight if my OH had a child - once her maternity leave was over, she'd need to get back to work, or ends wouldn't meet.

That said, it seems like his shift patterns may be making it difficult for the OP to find "normal" work - in which case, you'd think that he'd be a little understanding and not expect her to contribute...

But then if she can find time to do all this ebay stuff, it's hard to imagine that she doesn't have time / a way to do something more valuable with her time if she really wanted to.

Maybe he should drop the weekends and she could get a weekend job - would maybe earn more, but then they'd never see each other.

It's a complicated situation...and most people in this world are reasonable. You have to start from trying to see the logic in things before assuming he's just a horrible, mean, man.

Idiophreak

daska wrote: »

But that's exactly it, she's slogging away for her £15 a week because he can and will spend £150 on plants but won't spend £72 on food or expects her to pay him back when he does.

"It's so obviously not worth it" could be the motto for their relationship, not just her business.

I quite agree with your second point...but on the first, the OP's not "slogging away" for this money, she's just wasting time - which he probably realises. And I doubt he sees why he should give up his hobbies (plants?) to subsidise hers (ebay).

It's clear here that things are broken, but it may not be entirely one party's fault...

Mojisola

Idiophreak wrote: »

Which may or may not be unreasonable...A good deal of families these days have 2 working parents...so perhaps it's not unreasonable for him to expect OP to contribute a little. I'm on a similar wage to him, but believe it or not, things would get very tight if my OH had a child - once her maternity leave was over, she'd need to get back to work, or ends wouldn't meet.

But she can't get back to work while he works the hours and shifts that he does and he won't change.

Caroline_a

It's a difficult one, but reading one or two of the OP's other posts, she is a 'Power Seller' on Ebay, so one would think that she should be making more than £15 a week. Possibly her perception of her earnings were a lot higher than the actual (I've done that, sold something for £x only to get the fees some time later which were huge). If that's the case, perhaps she is implying to her OH that she can afford to pay for the children, etc.

However, whatever the ins and outs of the situation, it does sound as if she doesnt want to continue with the relationship, but I feel that she hasnt put much thought into how she will manage as a single parent. How will she pay the bills that her OP pays now if she is self employed? Or will she give Ebay up and go on to Income Support. Or will she find a job? having made her decision to leave/split up, her first thoughts now should be about practicalities of housing, finances and childcare if she is going to get a job.

Plans_all_plans

meritaten wrote: »

you didnt see mental abuse? it was apparent all through the thread. refusal to engage in family life. separating his OH from moneys owed to them. if fact it was as if he was a lodger with sex benefits - he didnt treat her like a wife - more like a housekeeper who BTW had his kids - but they were just a periphery. and if thats not mental abuse - I dont know what is!
If that sounds normal to you - I DO hope you arent married or in a relationship.

I am happily married, but thank you for your concern.

It's not mental abuse for him to expect her to do everything around the house/for the children when she is at home and he is not; it's also not mental abuse for him to not 'call in' his inheritance from his mother.

There are many things about the OP's relationship that I wouldn't stand for, as I think he is acting selfishly in many respects, but I certainly think that calling his attitude 'abuse' is wildly overdramatic.

Caroline_a

Mojisola wrote: »

But she can't get back to work while he works the hours and shifts that he does and he won't change.

Why not? what's wrong with childcare? most women who work use childcare, and if the OP wants to support herself as a single person she will need to find some kind of childcare, be it a nursery or a childminder.

mrcow

too_much_debt wrote: »

As you say your mum and dad both work, they both have jobs with regular monthly incomes, I earnt last year £800 that is what my profit was when I did my tax return yet I'm paying out about £80-100 a week on food and household stuff alone.

If you've been together so long, why haven't you had the conversation about this.

It doesn't take an Einstein to work out that the maths doesn't work. Exactly how do you see buying gifts and clothes and endlessly sticking the debt on credit cards a sustainable option?

You need to sit down like the adults you are and work out a budget (as you both should have done years ago).

too_much_debt

Caroline_a wrote: »

I'm probably going to get flamed here, but I don't really understand why you are on the go so much. Before you tell me about having 3 kids etc, I also have 3 kids, and had 2 at school and one at home - ok the age gap between the second and third was slightly bigger than yours, but not much, and from the time that the 3rd was 18 months old I worked full time. My house was tidy as I tried to sort things immediately rather than letting them build up, but once the kids were in bed at around 7.30 I had plenty of time to relax. And no, my husband didn't put them to bed, do housework or cook either. We split our finances but I paid for everything for the kids.

I'm sure if you stopped Ebay and got a real job you'd firstly make a lot more money and secondly have a lot more time.

He doesn't want me to go and get a job, doesn't want to pay for childcare when he has me to do it for free, tells me I wouldn't earn enough anyway.

too_much_debt

Caroline_a wrote: »

Well, if you mean treat me like a skivvy expect me to do the housework, yes. He did the DIY (as the OP says her OH does), but I did the garden (OP said her OH buys plants, perhaps he does that). I read that the OP seems to spend a great deal of time doing Ebay stuff that brings her in the sum of £15 a week. She also mentions that her OH says the house is untidy, which of course is subjective. In my opinion the OP has her priorities wrong, needs to forget Ebay, which would free her up loads of time to find a job and get the housework done. Don't get me wrong, I hate housework.... but I hate the house looking rubbish more!

There seems to be a theory these days that all men should be totally involved with the children - unfortunately a lot of men aren't like that. If he isn't a hands on sort of dad there isnt a lot that the OP can do, but perhaps she has friends who have husbands who are, and she feels that she is missing out. I did pick up on the 'he doesnt wrap their birthday presents' comment - not only did my husband not wrap up the children's presents, he didn't tend to wrap up mine either!!! :rotfl:

And how would I pay my credit card bills every month, pay for food for my kids and also pay for anything else as he certainly wouldn't give me any so then I'd have the bailiffs at the door once I miss paying all my bills. As I said before I can't get a job because of his hours, before I met him I had two jobs. He doesn't want me to get a job either when I say about paying for childcare he says no he doesn't want that.

At least your OH buys you presents then even if he doesn't wrap them, I'd love a present or a card even, this year on my birthday he was working on the day, he didn't wish me happy birthday before he left, he didn't leave me a card and he rang me up at 5.30 saying he was in Sainsburys so I knew he was buying a card so I told him not to buy me a card as I don't want to be an after thought. He will get the same treatment on his birthday in July, I'm not buying him anything either.