Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

andy.m_2

Sounds to me like neither of you understands the other and what their daily life is like...


He does not appreciate just how much things cost that you pay for and you do not fully appreciate just what he does to provide the marital home.
I bet you stopped putting out as well haven't you?

He works awkward shifts, therefore his body clock is all over the shop every other week, he works odd weekends as well when most people are home with the family, he gets mental abuse from his partner and isn't appreciated one bit.

Just trying to put forward that somewhere on another forum there may be a counteracting post to this thread as seen through the other half's eyes.



There is more than enough grounds here for relationship counselling.

ramellous1

Andy_M, she has 3 kids of 6,5 and 3 to look after while he is "working his a**e off" every other weekend. I think you will find she is doing the same for even less appreciation.

If her kids are anything like our 2 then I go to work for a rest.

Idiophreak

OP, I'd take a deep breath, a step back and re-read both of your posts. You're not speaking about a relationship here, you're talking about it more as a financial transaction. There's a massive amount of emphasis on the fact that your OH isn't giving you as much money as you think he should - and only the passing thought about not helping around the house. I think you really need to ask yourself what you want out of this relationship. By the sounds of it, it's money - pure and simple - so perhaps you would be better off moving on and claiming benefits. I think, however, if you really think about it, the money isn't the main issue here.

So, he's not got some money, no matter how much, from his father's inheritance. Big deal - I expect he was more bothered about his father dying than claiming his dues from his mother. He leant her some money to help her out, and hasn't hounded her to get it back? that's what family do...He invested some money in foreign land? £1k up front for £300/year return sounds like a great deal to me - where can I sign up? All of these things shouldn't really matter that much in a relationship - it seems the more important issue is that he's unwilling to commit to managing proper "joint" finances - which is strange, given you're buying a house together...

seven-day-weekend

too_much_debt wrote: »

Thanks very much for all the replies, here are a few replies to some posts.

'He doesn't buy the kids presents', no I put money on my credit card to pay for their presents, he has over £2k in the bank, I have £50 in my bank account, over the 10 years this is how a big chunk of my debt has accumulated by putting Xmas and birthday presents on my credit card, clothes on my credit card, shoes on my credit card. I owe £16k in credit card debt so all my money I'm earning on Ebay is going to pay my bills every month, plus pay school dinners for two kids (£1.85 x2 5 days a week) then buy stuff for dinner in the evening, one day I didn't have enough change and I asked him if he had any as I needed it for their school dinners and he said 'I thought you paid for that'. He'll hassle me for £72 yet won't ask his mum for the money she owes him

'His mum owes him some money' she doesn't owe him some money she owes him £60k and £50k of that he was meant to get in December 2009, he told me he would stop working weekends when he got his money as he works 2 weekends a month and both long days.

'He also works hard and pays the bills', yes and I work bl**dy hard trying to sell stuff on Ebay, I do not sit down in the evenings to watch TV or sit down and read a book or relax in any way if I'm not dealing with the kids, cooking their dinner etc I'm on Ebay trying to make money to pay my bills and stuff for my kids, so I think I work just as hard if not more than he does, he can sit down in the evening and watch TV, I go to bed at 1am every night. I am on tablets for high blood pressure.

I'm sure there are a lot of father's out there who work hard, pay all the household bills and still pay for their kids, not all SAHM's work. When we had our children he didn't want me to work, I used to say to him when he moaned about paying for things that if he changed his job or his hours I could go and get a job but he didn't want that yet he expects me to pay for all these things, he can spend £50 a month on various lotteries so why can't he buy his kids shoes or clothes sometimes, I'm not saying that he should pay for everything but he can pay for some things surely when I don't have much money or at least offer. He asked me yesterday for his £72 yet never offered any money to pay for DD's birthday presents, it is DD1's birthday in June and DD2's in July so I'm going to ask him later if he has any money for presents.

He can also buy 2 pieces of land in Bulgaria for over £1k each and what for, he's never been there he says he rents the land out as it has grapes on it or something and it is earning him about £300 a year! !!!!!! for £300 a year.

My parents know how I feel, my mum and dad are fully supportive, my mum often wakes up in the night worrying about me as she doesn't like me living like this. I am going to go into the CAB when I got to the shops next and make an appointment, I dont' want to look back in another 10 years and feel I've wasted my life, my kids want a happy mummy not one that is miserable all the time and has no patience.

I have told him before that we should split up and he tells me not to be silly.

Too much more has gone on and I've had enough which is why next week on Friday my parents are coming down for the kids and taking them back to their house until the following Tuesday, OH is at work both days next Saturday and Sunday and I am going to go through everything and sort out all my paperwork and get rid of a load of clutter that is around and I will tell him on Monday (bank holiday) that I don't want to be with him anymore.

Sorry, I didn't realise he did not pay for these things, I thought I'd read in your first post that he paid for everything except the kids' presents.

If you are a SAHM, (by your choice and his) then he SHOULD pay for almost everything.

Sorry for misunderstanding.

Idiophreak

Mojisola wrote: »

Do you know any other families where the father doesn't pay towards the children's clothes, dinners and presents?

FWIW, this is exactly how my parents have worked for the last 20-odd years.

My dad's wage pays for everything in the house, mortgage, bills, food, fuel, tax etc etc - and my mum's wage (and child benefit, back in the day) is used for treats, the children, clothes etc.

I don't think he'd view it as him not "paying toward" these things, though - he pays 90% of the bills, so by default he pays toward everything...it's just the way they divvy up the outgoings...

too_much_debt

pinkshoes wrote: »

Sounds like you and your OH both need to grow up, COMMUNICATE, put your children first, and stop all this "but I pay this, but I do that..." attitude.

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest that you and your OH attend some counselling sessions.

To me it comes across that instead of putting some effort into your relationship, you're taking the easy option and just running away to your parents.

Your OH works his ar*e off doing alternate shifts, works every other weekend, then his salary pays all bills. Not a very fun life for him, so I can see why he gets fed up. On top of this, he wants to help his mum out - I know you see this as annoying, but a man who wants to help his mum can't be a bad thing can it?!?

I think you should do whatever you can to sort your relationship out before considering running away from it.

I'm not running away to my parents, I don't want to live with my parents. I work my ar*e off, he is not doing anything different than he was doing before I even met him, he has the same job, same hours and has always worked one weekend on, one weekend off. If he was still a single man he would still be paying the same things he is now his life has not changed one bit. I've put my life on hold to bring up my children and thank God it is me looking after them most of the time and not him. He is doing no extra shifts the hours he does he has done for 13 years now.

As for him helping his mum out, she has two properties one worth £1 million pounds which was his dad's house but his dad died without a Will, and one house worth £800k that is her house, they got a house each in the separation (they were legally separated but not divorced). OH lent her the £9k from his credit cards because she had to pay Court fees, she also borrowed £15k of her son in law's money at the same time and said she would pay them back ASAP and it's not been 4 years (4 years of interest added onto OH credit card although he has now added this onto our mortgage so I am liable for the debt if anything happens to him). His mum has done nothing for him, his brother has 7 children and has asked for his money on many occasions to be told he can't have it and he is only getting £50k when he should be entitled to the same as their older sister who came away with £106k but he stuck by his mum and agreed to only take 50k like the other 3.

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

FWIW, this is exactly how my parents have worked for the last 20-odd years.

My dad's wage pays for everything in the house, mortgage, bills, food, fuel, tax etc etc - and my mum's wage (and child benefit, back in the day) is used for treats, the children, clothes etc.

I don't think he'd view it as him not "paying toward" these things, though - he pays 90% of the bills, so by default he pays toward everything...it's just the way they divvy up the outgoings...

As you say your mum and dad both work, they both have jobs with regular monthly incomes, I earnt last year £800 that is what my profit was when I did my tax return yet I'm paying out about £80-100 a week on food and household stuff alone.

1sttimer_2

Idiophreak wrote: »

FWIW, this is exactly how my parents have worked for the last 20-odd years.

My dad's wage pays for everything in the house, mortgage, bills, food, fuel, tax etc etc - and my mum's wage (and child benefit, back in the day) is used for treats, the children, clothes etc.

I don't think he'd view it as him not "paying toward" these things, though - he pays 90% of the bills, so by default he pays toward everything...it's just the way they divvy up the outgoings...

She doesn't work - so she has no wages to go towards children's things!

Gloomendoom

too_much_debt wrote: »

As you say your mum and dad both work, they both have jobs with regular monthly incomes, I earnt last year £800 that is what my profit was when I did my tax return yet I'm paying out about £80-100 a week on food and household stuff alone.

So how do you make up the deficit?

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

So, he's not got some money, no matter how much, from his father's inheritance. Big deal - I expect he was more bothered about his father dying than claiming his dues from his mother. He leant her some money to help her out, and hasn't hounded her to get it back? that's what family do...He invested some money in foreign land? £1k up front for £300/year return sounds like a great deal to me - where can I sign up? All of these things shouldn't really matter that much in a relationship - it seems the more important issue is that he's unwilling to commit to managing proper "joint" finances - which is strange, given you're buying a house together...

His father died in 1991, I think he's moved on since then don't you it's been 21 years.

Look on Ebay for land in Bulgaria if you want to try it but I found out the other day that one of the pieces of land he bought was sold to someone else as well and they have proof of ownership so there's £1k down the drain which could have been better used.