Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

Tebheag

Sounds like you have made up your mind to leave you need to decide how you want to do it weather to just up and leave or stay and fight for what you feel is yours.

too_much_debt

Caroline_a wrote: »

I would hope it isn't just about money, but from the initial post the OP has not indicated anything other than money issues being the reason why she wants to leave her OH.

There are so many reasons some being:

He told me 2 weeks ago I was nothing without him.
His life doesn't revolve around me, he wants me to earn my own money yet moans I am on the computer a lot or wrapping stuff up all the time or going to the Post Office. He never puts the kids to bed or help out when he is here in the evening just shouts at them to go to bed, doesn't help with cleaning their teeth, does changes to the house without asking what I want or what I think.

He wants the kids but not the stuff that comes with it, why should he get credit for them having nice birthdays when I've done and paid for it all, at Xmas I'm left to wrap 3 lots of presents and stockings up with no offer of help from him.

I think some people see him as being the hard done by one but he does his 8 hours or his weekends and comes home and sits down to watch TV for the evening, while I am on the go from the minute I get up until I go to bed at 12/1am. I never sit down and watch TV.

Nevermind, I'll carry on like this until I end up in hospital of exhaustion or something more serious.

Caroline_a

too_much_debt wrote: »

There are so many reasons some being:


I think some people see him as being the hard done by one but he does his 8 hours or his weekends and comes home and sits down to watch TV for the evening, while I am on the go from the minute I get up until I go to bed at 12/1am. I never sit down and watch TV.

Nevermind, I'll carry on like this until I end up in hospital of exhaustion or something more serious.

I'm probably going to get flamed here, but I don't really understand why you are on the go so much. Before you tell me about having 3 kids etc, I also have 3 kids, and had 2 at school and one at home - ok the age gap between the second and third was slightly bigger than yours, but not much, and from the time that the 3rd was 18 months old I worked full time. My house was tidy as I tried to sort things immediately rather than letting them build up, but once the kids were in bed at around 7.30 I had plenty of time to relax. And no, my husband didn't put them to bed, do housework or cook either. We split our finances but I paid for everything for the kids.

I'm sure if you stopped Ebay and got a real job you'd firstly make a lot more money and secondly have a lot more time.

daska

Caroline_a wrote: »

I'm probably going to get flamed here, but I don't really understand why you are on the go so much. Before you tell me about having 3 kids etc, I also have 3 kids, and had 2 at school and one at home - ok the age gap between the second and third was slightly bigger than yours, but not much, and from the time that the 3rd was 18 months old I worked full time. My house was tidy as I tried to sort things immediately rather than letting them build up, but once the kids were in bed at around 7.30 I had plenty of time to relax. And no, my husband didn't put them to bed, do housework or cook either. We split our finances but I paid for everything for the kids.

I'm sure if you stopped Ebay and got a real job you'd firstly make a lot more money and secondly have a lot more time.

But did your husband treat you like a skivvy, live his life as if he were single and routinely tell you you were crap? At first it's demotivating. Then everything gradually becomes more and more difficult to cope with, even simple tasks start taking longer... OP do you recognise this? Or have I read it wrong?

Caroline_a

daska wrote: »

But did your husband treat you like a skivvy, live his life as if he were single and routinely tell you you were crap? At first it's demotivating. Then everything gradually becomes more and more difficult to cope with, even simple tasks start taking longer... OP do you recognise this? Or have I read it wrong?

Well, if you mean treat me like a skivvy expect me to do the housework, yes. He did the DIY (as the OP says her OH does), but I did the garden (OP said her OH buys plants, perhaps he does that). I read that the OP seems to spend a great deal of time doing Ebay stuff that brings her in the sum of £15 a week. She also mentions that her OH says the house is untidy, which of course is subjective. In my opinion the OP has her priorities wrong, needs to forget Ebay, which would free her up loads of time to find a job and get the housework done. Don't get me wrong, I hate housework.... but I hate the house looking rubbish more!

There seems to be a theory these days that all men should be totally involved with the children - unfortunately a lot of men aren't like that. If he isn't a hands on sort of dad there isnt a lot that the OP can do, but perhaps she has friends who have husbands who are, and she feels that she is missing out. I did pick up on the 'he doesnt wrap their birthday presents' comment - not only did my husband not wrap up the children's presents, he didn't tend to wrap up mine either!!! :rotfl:

Idiophreak

too_much_debt wrote: »

He wants the kids but not the stuff that comes with it, why should he get credit for them having nice birthdays when I've done and paid for it all, at Xmas I'm left to wrap 3 lots of presents and stockings up with no offer of help from him.

I think some people see him as being the hard done by one but he does his 8 hours or his weekends and comes home and sits down to watch TV for the evening, while I am on the go from the minute I get up until I go to bed at 12/1am. I never sit down and watch TV.

I can really see him elsewhere on the internet writing the other side of this story. Would it look something like this?

"When she's not looking after the kids, my OH spends all her spare time on the internet 'working' - she says it's a business, but it never brings in any money, so it's really just a hobby. All I ask her to pay for is stuff for the kids - their food and presents, but she doesn't even earn enough for that and comes scrounging to me for more money. She won't go out and get a better paid job and keeps insisting that I make my mum sell one of her homes, instead, so my inheritance can fund her pet project."

daska

Caroline_a wrote: »

Well, if you mean treat me like a skivvy expect me to do the housework, yes. He did the DIY (as the OP says her OH does), but I did the garden (OP said her OH buys plants, perhaps he does that). I read that the OP seems to spend a great deal of time doing Ebay stuff that brings her in the sum of £15 a week. She also mentions that her OH says the house is untidy, which of course is subjective. In my opinion the OP has her priorities wrong, needs to forget Ebay, which would free her up loads of time to find a job and get the housework done. Don't get me wrong, I hate housework.... but I hate the house looking rubbish more!

There seems to be a theory these days that all men should be totally involved with the children - unfortunately a lot of men aren't like that. If he isn't a hands on sort of dad there isnt a lot that the OP can do, but perhaps she has friends who have husbands who are, and she feels that she is missing out. I did pick up on the 'he doesnt wrap their birthday presents' comment - not only did my husband not wrap up the children's presents, he didn't tend to wrap up mine either!!! :rotfl:

That wasn't quite what I was getting at, no. What I was picking up on were the comments about him not helping with the kids even if he's there, just shouting at them to go to bed. The changing things in the house either without discussion or knowing that they weren't in agreement. Things like that. Not the doing so much as the 'you're a non person' attitude.

clearingout

Idiophreak wrote: »

I can really see him elsewhere on the internet writing the other side of this story. Would it look something like this?

"When she's not looking after the kids, my OH spends all her spare time on the internet 'working' - she says it's a business, but it never brings in any money, so it's really just a hobby. All I ask her to pay for is stuff for the kids - their food and presents, but she doesn't even earn enough for that and comes scrounging to me for more money. She won't go out and get a better paid job and keeps insisting that I make my mum sell one of her homes, instead, so my inheritance can fund her pet project."

Hmmm....you sound just like my ex. He considered I should work at least part-time, keep the house spotless, make every meal, make childcare arrangements and work around those arrangements as his work was more important than mine (we were both self employed freelancers). Children (which he wanted) and the house were not his concern. One of his parting comments was to say he couldn't understand why I was 'only' earning £150 - 200 a day rather than £400 - 500 a day as many consultants do.

So if you break that down, to earn those larger sums (which I know I am capable of, to be fair), I would have had to go to work for clients in London. This would have involved a 6am start (leaving house so 5:15am getting up) and around 7 - 8pm return. Nurseries and childminders work, at best, 7:30am - 6pm. My ex wasn't prepared/wasn't able due to his work commitments to be around to pick up and drop off. His family lived locally and wouldn't help us out. My family were not local. As a compromise, then, I worked more locally and took the hit in terms of fees I could charge. At that time, when the economy was 'better', I had a good number of clients and earned well for the hours I worked. Good for our household income, good for our children, good for my self-esteem.

I am quite sure my ex regarded my work as a 'pet project' rather than something serious, that I was trying to fit around having a family and keeping a reasonable house. I didn't earn the same as him, so what was the point?

It is attitudes like this that completely devalue women (as it usually is women), and their attempts to fit in children with working. It's complex. It generally requires a partner's commitment or family support to manage. £15 a week might not be much to you, but to some families, it is the difference between struggling and surviving. You might be able to afford to turn down that money each week, but I sure as hell couldn't!

I think, however, that your 'other side of the story' highlights what is usually the problem between co-habiting couples - communication. Or better said, lack of. He may well see it as you have written here. But she sees it differently. There is a need to bring the two together, to see each other's side and build on 'the difference'. But if one side isn't willing, break-up is inevitable.

Idiophreak

clearingout wrote: »

Hmmm....you sound just like my ex.

He could see both sides of things too, could he? He sounds like a catch!

clearingout wrote: »

£15 a week might not be much to you, but to some families, it is the difference between struggling and surviving. You might be able to afford to turn down that money each week, but I sure as hell couldn't!

£15/week isn't much to OP - that's the point. OPs mentioned several times that her OH has complained about the amount of time that she spends on the computer, wrapping things up, going to the post office etc - so it's clearly a substantial amount of time she's spending on this- and for practically no reward. If nothing else, OP could do surveys online and make more money each week...There just *has* to be a better way of spending her time...Ironing clothes, whatever....

The point is, whether *you* needed it or not, it doesn't seem like the OP does....Her OH can afford £150 on plants here, £1000 on land there...So, if needed, they could get by just as well without this ebay nonsense...and it's clear that it's causing significant tensions in their relationship and running OP ragged, so why on earth would you keep doing it? It's so obviously not worth it...

Mojisola

too_much_debt wrote: »

He earns about £37k a year.

Idiophreak wrote: »

The point is, whether *you* needed it or not, it doesn't seem like the OP does....Her OH can afford £150 on plants here, £1000 on land there...So, if needed, they could get by just as well without this ebay nonsense...and it's clear that it's causing significant tensions in their relationship and running OP ragged, so why on earth would you keep doing it? It's so obviously not worth it...

Look at what he earns! Despite that, he's expecting her to provide for a lot of their children's needs.