Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

too_much_debt

I am so fed up with my OH and his attitude to most things.

We are not married, we have been together 10.5 years, have 3 children (6, 5 and 3). Mortgage is in both our names, property is valued about £230k maybe a bit less (we paid £229,350 in 2005) mortgage is £179,000 I think. . He pays all the household bills ie mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, TV licence. He earns about £37k a year.

I cannot get a job due to OH's hours (he works one week lates, the next earlies etc and works every other weekend). I have to pay for everything else ie food for kids and myself, clothes for kids, birthday and Xmas presents for them, I am self employed and sell on Ebay but only part time as I have DD3 at home except for 2 afternoons a week for 2.5 hours.

He has never helped me wrap the kids presents, buy the kids presents, when it was DD3's birthday last week I bought everything, wrapped everything, paid for all the food for her party as my parents were up and the kids like a little tea party. He never helped tidy the house up (it's a tip and a real rush when anyone comes round), I could try and be a bit tidier but feel like a lodger in my own house, I hate it here, he does all the DIY himself and thinks he is so good at it but the place looks awful, he spends lots of money on plants, last year when it was DD birthday he spent about £150 on plants but never offered any money for her birthday presents or bought her anything.

There are lots of other things about him I hate, one main thing is that he lent him mum £9k from his credit card about 4 years ago (she had court fees to pay re his late father's estate) and she said she would pay it back but hasn't, she never mentions it to him and he never asks her for it he just says she is not in a position to pay him.

She also owes him £50k which is his inheritance from his father who died in 1991 (long story), the judge gave her his father's house back into her control from the Public Trustee on condition that she sold her other house to pay them what she owed and she hasn't done that either, he signed a legal document saying she would pay him on 31st December 2009 (she told him to put the very last day of the year this was done in November 2008). She asked OH's brother if he could lend her £5k to do the house up to sell it and then when he went on holiday she rented the rooms out (she rents the rooms out in two houses now).

When we argue he throws at me that he pays all the bills and when I say I pay out a lot too he says 'yes I know'. I asked him to lend me £72 for DD3 Playgroup fees a few weeks ago and he asked me earlier where the money was (I am deliberately not paying him back as he never asks his mum for the £60k she ows him always says 'she's not in a position to pay him', well neither am I so tough.

Everything has just come to a head now and I want to leave but have £16k credit card debt and no savings. I would love to move down to near my parents as they live 2 hours away.

I just don't know what I am entitled to or how things work when you leave someone. I have tried ringing CAB but they never answer the phones when I call when they say they are open. I'm starting to hate him so much.

I can't waste another 10 years of my life with this man.

Just don't know what to do, or how to go about leaving.

Thanks if you managed to read this far!

TMD

fosters123

That sounds horrible. No advice I'm afraid, but wishing you loads of luck for the future. :A

jenjade

hey hun sounds like you have made your mind up. I guess the next steps would be to work out what you would be entitled to there is a good website called entitled to.com where you can find out how much you will get as you have a child under 7 you should be able to claim income support, housing, council tax etc

I am sure someone will come along with amazing advice i just didnt want to read and run!

FATBALLZ

If you own half the house then you should be able to sell up and hopefully use your share of the equity to pay off your debts.

Caroline_a

As others have said it sounds like you have made your mind up. When a relationship breaks down as yours appears to have from your point of view there is no point in looking at the rights and wrongs of it as it doesnt really matter now. You need to look as to how you are going to break up this relationship and how you will move on, what will happen housing-wise, and with the children. If the house is sold you will be able to pay off your credit card (and tear it up!) and start again, maybe rent something near your parents.

Good luck!

Teekaylon

FATBALLZ wrote: »

If you own half the house then you should be able to sell up and hopefully use your share of the equity to pay off your debts.

Just to echo what fatballs says....


also just fess up to him about how u really feel...maybe get him to read your post that will give him a shock maybe, sounds like you have decided what you want so what ya got to lose... dont forget breakups are allways hard whenever whatever.....

good luck!!!!

Emmzi

you need to "borrow money" to pay for playgroup?

that's not a partnership.

you know what to do.

saintlemin

I left my ex after 25 years, I had no idear how I was going to manage where I was going to live....

I had wanted to leave for years but just like you has children, not much income and everthing scared me... But the best advise I was given was true and it will be for you. One day you will have alight blub moment and nothing will matter then, all you will know is you willl leave. My advise is to plan everthing, if you can start saving a little cash and put it where nobody can find it.... Sort out your home so you know where to find everything, papers, statements etc. photo copy everthing from bank to morgage statements and hide these. If your parents are supportive and you can trust them 100% not to go behind your back tell them that you want to leave.
Go to your local housing beneifit office they are a great source of information and very helpful. Dont advise leaving with parents this will affect your beneift...

I very carefully planned to leave my ex, I rented a small house, housing benefit help with rent, I found a cheap removal man and when my ex went to work I moved out. I new that once I left there was no going back so thats why I say sort out your house. Get organized you will be surprized how resourseful you can be....

If you havent had your light blub moment , its not the time to leave but when you do, you will be able to do anything, its been a hugh learning curve for me and at times i wanted to give up especially when my ex was threating all sorts, but it took four long years but I got what was mine and life moves on....

DONT GET MAD JUST GET YOUR LIFE BACK....:D

Greenbix

I'm very sorry to read this post. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.

globetraveller

Well it sounds like there is no way back for you two. Do you really hate him as you say or is that just because you are at the end of your tether?
I like the advice given to you about planning everything. Have you thought about what you will do on your own workwise? Would you be thinking about going out to work? Whilst you are making your plans perhaps it would be an idea to sit OH down and say that you need a chance to be out earning as well and either childcare has to be paid for or he takes over some of the childcare. In fact TELL him you are going to look for a job, its not up for discussion. Getting out of the house might give you more confidence in yourself.
If you have steady money coming in, you will have one thing less to worry about when you move on.
Good luck! It looks like you deserve it.

meritaten

Dont think 'how will I manage'! That is what is stopping most abused women from leaving. You are right at the end of your tether - so snap it and go! you may not be physically abused but you ARE mentally abused so dont think twice about phoning womens aid! they WILL help you!
I am not going to list the ways your OH is abusing you. You have realised it and thats enough.
you can either walk out in what you stand up in and phone a shelter - or plan for it. thats up to you.
there is good advice on the threads - but I think you would be better off phoning a womans aid line or a shelter.
Good luck hun.
Merit