Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

1sttimer_2

Sorry, can't be of much use really as you have made up your mind. Do you not have a joint account which you have access to?

My OH and I came from pretty poor backgrounds and we worked hard to save up for our first home. Pushed the boat out and bought a better/bigger home then found out I was pregnant with 1st child. We worked together to make the family but he worked normal hours and I was a SAHM till 2nd child went to school. He paid the mortgage, insurance etc. and I got on with the everyday business of looking after family. He didn't contribute physically to anything, but I had a good MIL who helped out with uniforms etc. We lived hand to mouth most of the time.

He started his own business and worked all hours never seeing the children for about 5 years.

Moving on 30 years he/we now have money but he doesn't like spend it! My money - wages, as much as it can be called mine goes into his business account, and although we have a joint account which I do have access to, he still doesn't 'get' the children/grandchildren anything - he leaves it all to me. He does do something at Christmas (Usually Christmas Eve) and my birthday but that's about it!

So although he/we do have money, I personally don't have anything that I could call 'mine' but - and it is a big but - I do have access to money if necessary, but after years of scrimping and saving, I'm sort of used to it by now. He's never liked any sort of 'borrowing' except for the mortgage and our one and only 'new' car, so we've never had any debts. We've done without before that, and we really did go without!

I do feel for you if you do not have access to any 'joint' accounts and have to ask for it. But if you've lived with this feeling for some while, it will only be building up to the scale of where you are now, so just be careful because it will be your fury over the money that you will be taking out on your OH and not the feeling of your family.

Take care.

Idiophreak

1sttimer wrote: »

She doesn't work - so she has no wages to go towards children's things!

Wasn't talking about the OP, though - I was just answering Mojisola's question.

Anyway, OP does work - she just doesn't make any money...I think if she's putting that much effort into this job and only making £15/week, it's time it was abandoned as a complete waste of time - would be better off taking the kids out for a walk and doing a couple of paper rounds, or walking people's dogs....

Caroline_a

I totally agree that you should kick the Ebay business into touch. You won't be able to survive on that as a single parent, so you'd be far better doing something else. With the Ebay experience you could get some hours in a shop maybe, but at least you'd have a regular income for a lot less hours than you seem to be spending on it. Just worked out that you'd only have to work 3 hours a week to earn that on minimum wage! The house would then be very easy to keep tidy, and so one bone of contention would be avoided.

I would think very carefully though first before you call a halt to this relationship. Once you leave your OH then his income for your living expenses will be drastically cut. There are a lot of threads on these boards about people waiting to sell houses, OH's not paying maintenance, problems with rental properties, and remember that once you are on your own then it's all up to you, unless you are hoping that mum and dad will help out. Do you want to move so that they will help out with childcare? Some grandparents may get resentful if used on a regular basis - again, there are some threads about that here.

If I were you I would calculate exactly what your husband does contribute to the monthly bills and compare it to what you pay out. He appears to be paying the necessities (the children need a roof over their heads), while children's presents do not have to cost the earth, particularly as yours are so young. What your OH's mother owes him and when she pays him back are not really any cause for you - perhaps there are other reasons why that he doesn't want to discuss with you, but imho you shouldn't really be pressing him to chase this unless you had bailiffs knocking on the door and were starving.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I think that you are walking away from a financial situation that is far better than the one you are going to enter.

clearingout

Caroline_a wrote: »

Sorry to sound harsh, but I think that you are walking away from a financial situation that is far better than the one you are going to enter.

is this really about money though? few people would want to put themselves in a situation where they were worse off financially and on top of that, have that worse off situation impact on their children. The OP clearly feels she's reached the end of the road with her husband and is worried how she'll manage if she walks away. That's entirely understandable.

OP - I am all for trying to save marriages. I was never given the chance by my ex (and with hindsight, we'd never have made it work but I think the opportunity to try would have helped us both). Being a single parent is, frankly, crap on a financial level (I get no maintenance from my ex - long story!) and my ex is awol so there is no let up, no time off, no support at any level from him. It is not the life I wanted for myself and certainly not what I wanted for my children. But, and it's a big but, I do fine. I am not lonely, I have good friends, and family (I had to move to get that) around me. I love my children and enjoy being with them and am making the most of them being little. I didn't want my marriage to end but it hasn't been the end of the world (even if it felt like it for a bit) and I have got on with things. You learn, you adapt, you spend less, you wear the same old clothes again and again and again...! I wouldn't change things now. I am building my own life slowly and it's mine, and it suits me and I'm happy. There is far more to life than money. Freedom is about as amazing as it gets!

Whatever you do, be sure it's the right decision for you as there will be no going back. Talk to your husband about how you're feeling and do consider counselling with him. If he wont' go, you can go alone. If nothing else, it will help you clarify your thinking and make making that decision all the more clear.

Tebheag

Hi
Would advise trying to talk to him, get a friend to look after the kids so you can do it when they are not there as sounds like you are not ready just yet to up and leave. I have been there and it is horrible as you feel that your having to beg them for money. Even had to offer stuff just to get money for nappies and food which is when I knew it was time to leave this is before tax credit days so the only money i got was about £12 child benefit a week.
Good Luck

pinkshoes

You didn't answer my (and other people's) question: Have you and your OH had counselling to try and sort out your problems?

Caroline_a

clearingout wrote: »

is this really about money though? few people would want to put themselves in a situation where they were worse off financially and on top of that, have that worse off situation impact on their children. The OP clearly feels she's reached the end of the road with her husband and is worried how she'll manage if she walks away. That's entirely understandable.
.

I would hope it isn't just about money, but from the initial post the OP has not indicated anything other than money issues being the reason why she wants to leave her OH.

too_much_debt

pinkshoes wrote: »

You didn't answer my (and other people's) question: Have you and your OH had counselling to try and sort out your problems?

No, to have counselling you have to want to make things work and I don't not any more. He would just laugh in my face anyway and tell me it's all my fault and to deal with it.

daska

too_much_debt wrote: »

No, to have counselling you have to want to make things work and I don't not any more. He would just laugh in my face anyway and tell me it's all my fault and to deal with it.

If he reacts like that to you suggesting that you both make an effort to save your marriage it would rather prove that it isn't all your fault. But would it be laughingly because he doesn't realise that there is a problem or sneeringly because he's quite aware there's a problem and doesn't give a s**t?

RAS

Caroline_a wrote: »

I would hope it isn't just about money, but from the initial post the OP has not indicated anything other than money issues being the reason why she wants to leave her OH.

Hi

Actually leaving your spouse routinely short of enough money to provide for the family, refusing to contribute to family life, declining to make arrangments that allow your spouse to earn her own income and spending money on unnecessary items whilst refusing to fund food and clothing is economic abuse not "just about money".