Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

lin473

Please think carefully about this.
It's very easy to focus on what we do not like about our family and completely forget the good stuff.
When a relationship loses it's sparkle - as they all do -it need working at way before you think of abandoning it.
Living as a single parent is no picnic and not having someone to help you wrap the presents will be the least of your problems.
It may not be what you want to hear , but I would echo what other posters have said about talking to your OH and maybe seeking counselling together if you cannot sort it out.
He doesn't sound abusive to me - just a normal bloke!
The next one could be 10 times worse!

Think about how your children will be affected too.
I'm sure they love their Dad and will be unsettled by a split.

Are there other reasons why you are feeling low at the moment?
Are you isolated and lonely? - it's easy to get things out of perspective when that is the case.

too_much_debt

Thanks very much for all the replies, here are a few replies to some posts.

'He doesn't buy the kids presents', no I put money on my credit card to pay for their presents, he has over £2k in the bank, I have £50 in my bank account, over the 10 years this is how a big chunk of my debt has accumulated by putting Xmas and birthday presents on my credit card, clothes on my credit card, shoes on my credit card. I owe £16k in credit card debt so all my money I'm earning on Ebay is going to pay my bills every month, plus pay school dinners for two kids (£1.85 x2 5 days a week) then buy stuff for dinner in the evening, one day I didn't have enough change and I asked him if he had any as I needed it for their school dinners and he said 'I thought you paid for that'. He'll hassle me for £72 yet won't ask his mum for the money she owes him

'His mum owes him some money' she doesn't owe him some money she owes him £60k and £50k of that he was meant to get in December 2009, he told me he would stop working weekends when he got his money as he works 2 weekends a month and both long days.

'He also works hard and pays the bills', yes and I work bl**dy hard trying to sell stuff on Ebay, I do not sit down in the evenings to watch TV or sit down and read a book or relax in any way if I'm not dealing with the kids, cooking their dinner etc I'm on Ebay trying to make money to pay my bills and stuff for my kids, so I think I work just as hard if not more than he does, he can sit down in the evening and watch TV, I go to bed at 1am every night. I am on tablets for high blood pressure.

I'm sure there are a lot of father's out there who work hard, pay all the household bills and still pay for their kids, not all SAHM's work. When we had our children he didn't want me to work, I used to say to him when he moaned about paying for things that if he changed his job or his hours I could go and get a job but he didn't want that yet he expects me to pay for all these things, he can spend £50 a month on various lotteries so why can't he buy his kids shoes or clothes sometimes, I'm not saying that he should pay for everything but he can pay for some things surely when I don't have much money or at least offer. He asked me yesterday for his £72 yet never offered any money to pay for DD's birthday presents, it is DD1's birthday in June and DD2's in July so I'm going to ask him later if he has any money for presents.

He can also buy 2 pieces of land in Bulgaria for over £1k each and what for, he's never been there he says he rents the land out as it has grapes on it or something and it is earning him about £300 a year! !!!!!! for £300 a year.

My parents know how I feel, my mum and dad are fully supportive, my mum often wakes up in the night worrying about me as she doesn't like me living like this. I am going to go into the CAB when I got to the shops next and make an appointment, I dont' want to look back in another 10 years and feel I've wasted my life, my kids want a happy mummy not one that is miserable all the time and has no patience.

I have told him before that we should split up and he tells me not to be silly.

Too much more has gone on and I've had enough which is why next week on Friday my parents are coming down for the kids and taking them back to their house until the following Tuesday, OH is at work both days next Saturday and Sunday and I am going to go through everything and sort out all my paperwork and get rid of a load of clutter that is around and I will tell him on Monday (bank holiday) that I don't want to be with him anymore.

Mojisola

too_much_debt wrote: »

I'm sure there are a lot of father's out there who work hard, pay all the household bills and still pay for their kids, not all SAHM's work. When we had our children he didn't want me to work, I used to say to him when he moaned about paying for things that if he changed his job or his hours I could go and get a job but he didn't want that yet he expects me to pay for all these things, he can spend £50 a month on various lotteries so why can't he buy his kids shoes or clothes sometimes, I'm not saying that he should pay for everything but he can pay for some things surely when I don't have much money or at least offer. He asked me yesterday for his £72 yet never offered any money to pay for DD's birthday presents, it is DD1's birthday in June and DD2's in July so I'm going to ask him later if he has any money for presents.

I disagree with this - if a husband wants his wife to stay at home and raise the family, then of course he should be paying for everything. Whatever child benefits come in should be part of the family budget but there's no way a mother should be scrabbling around for money for shoes and school dinners when the father has plenty of income.

ramellous1

You seem to have made up your mind about this and as you say, too much else has gone on so this might not all be just about the money situation.
It seems though that the "my money, your money" situation is the root of all this. Just to say I am the bloke in our relationship and was having sort of similar arguments with my partner who works part time and we have 2 young kids. What we did was say, right, we pool all our monthly income and take out the same amount each for ourselves to spend on what we want, no argument. The funds for all the bills are put in 1 account for direct debits and the remainder is put in a box for everything else, food, kids expenses, shampoo, petrol etc. Any overtime I get goes into a savings account for big stuff cos we seem to go through the box money by the month end.
We still have the odd niggle about why there is nothing left at the end of the month sometimes but we do'nt need to ask each other for money cos it's all transparent and it makes us more of a team.
If it is this money situation that is the root of all your frustration, could you not try and do something like this as a start.
Sorry if I have not been any help, remember I am a bloke

daska

Does he like his kids? Or was having children entirely your choice? Does he realise you have so much debt? Is it just that he is so totally unrealistic that he doesn't know how much kiddies shoes and uniforms cost? Is there any real communication between you? Thankfully, if the house is in both names you're in a better position than you could be - but from a point of splitting up it's a shame you're not married, it provides a lot more protection. Get some legal advice from the CAB. You'll be better off in some ways and worse off in others but at least you'll be able to look for a job, manage your own bills etc. Unfortunately all your personal debt will stay with you so it might be worth being blunt about your financial situation and pointing out to him that you need his help to consolidate the debt and pay it off - before you tell him it's over. I wouldn't usually suggest that but if the picture you've painted is accurate then it seems only fair. And if his response is: OMG I hadn't realised it was so bad, how do we sort it out and make sure it doesn't get this way in the future, then maybe you have a future.

Pee

Speak to a solicitor to sort out what will happen financially and I would advise against moving out but take independent leagl advice about that.

Make sure that what you envisage happening after the split i.e. the maintenance that he will pay, the support your parents will offer to allow you to work, the benefits esp housing benefit that you think you might be entitled to are correct assumptions and workable.

Consider whether you anticipate having further relationships before your children leave home, what you would expect of a prospective partner and whether this is likely to happen. i.e. how would you feel if you did not meet anyone who would choose to share household expenses with you.

Try to get away for a week, maybe to stay with your parents and see if this changes your view.

It sounds to me as though the relationship is over in your eyes, but you sure be sure before you move on.

pelirocco

Mojisola wrote: »

I disagree with this - if a husband wants his wife to stay at home and raise the family, then of course he should be paying for everything. Whatever child benefits come in should be part of the family budget but there's no way a mother should be scrabbling around for money for shoes and school dinners when the father has plenty of income.

Actually it shouldnt even come down to who works , who earns . Its a partnership and everything should be shared , including the money

dmg24

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Meritaten, I saw nothing in the OP that indicated mental abuse, have I missed something?

OP I appreciate you feel in a difficult situation at the moment. Have you tried relationship counselling?

Because if ever a woman wants to leave a man, there is always abuse ... or have I just been reading this board for too long?

(Not having a go at you OP, I hope you get things sorted one way or the other, it's just some posters always seem to shout abuse!)

pinkshoes

Sounds like you and your OH both need to grow up, COMMUNICATE, put your children first, and stop all this "but I pay this, but I do that..." attitude.

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest that you and your OH attend some counselling sessions.

To me it comes across that instead of putting some effort into your relationship, you're taking the easy option and just running away to your parents.

Your OH works his ar*e off doing alternate shifts, works every other weekend, then his salary pays all bills. Not a very fun life for him, so I can see why he gets fed up. On top of this, he wants to help his mum out - I know you see this as annoying, but a man who wants to help his mum can't be a bad thing can it?!?

I think you should do whatever you can to sort your relationship out before considering running away from it.

Mojisola

pinkshoes wrote: »

Your OH works his ar*e off doing alternate shifts, works every other weekend, then his salary pays all bills. Not a very fun life for him, so I can see why he gets fed up. On top of this, he wants to help his mum out - I know you see this as annoying, but a man who wants to help his mum can't be a bad thing can it?!?

too_much_debt wrote: »

When we had our children he didn't want me to work, I used to say to him when he moaned about paying for things that if he changed his job or his hours I could go and get a job but he didn't want that yet he expects me to pay for all these things, he can spend £50 a month on various lotteries so why can't he buy his kids shoes or clothes sometimes, I'm not saying that he should pay for everything but he can pay for some things surely when I don't have much money or at least offer. He asked me yesterday for his £72 yet never offered any money to pay for DD's birthday presents, it is DD1's birthday in June and DD2's in July so I'm going to ask him later if he has any money for presents.

pinkshoes - I think your post is a bit unfair.

too_much_debt has offered him an alternative - reducing his hours so that she could go back to work and he doesn't want to do that.

Do you know any other families where the father doesn't pay towards the children's clothes, dinners and presents?