Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

too_much_debt

Caroline_a wrote: »

So once you have left him what will you live on? you aren't in danger as far as we know, you just don't like him any more. Therefore you need to plan for your children's financial future when they don't have dad around any more.

You give the impression that you want us all to say 'how terrible, poor you', but it just seems that you havent thought any further than that. Being a single mum is far far harder than your life now - I'm sure that a lot of single mums on here will tell you that. You shouldnt need to stay in a relationship that you're not happy in, but as a lot of your posts say 'he doesnt do this, or that', do bear in mind that whatever he does do now, ie DIY, etc, you will have to do yourself when you are single again.

No I don't want anyone to say 'how terrible poor you', I posted to say I wanted to leave my OH in the hope someone who might have been through something similar might have some advice - silly me.

seven-day-weekend

too_much_debt wrote: »

So you wouldn't expect your OH to at least leave you a card when they were going to be out all day, surely a card is not much to ask, the last two years for his birthday I have taken my girls out to pick him a present but certainly won't be doing it this year. I didn't grizzle I didn't want him to buy me a card as an after thought he obviously didn't think much of it being my birthday, my parents came up which is a 2 hour drive and made the effort why couldn't he at least left me a card, my girls found some Thank You cards and wrote them out for me all by themselves.

We usually don't bother with cards unless one of us makes one. i certainly wouldn't be upset if I didnt get one.

Mojisola

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

We usually don't bother with cards unless one of us makes one. i certainly wouldn't be upset if I didnt get one.

But that's because you both know the other doesn't mind. Would you still ignore your partner's birthday if you knew that would upset them?

meritaten

Some of you are so totally missing the POINT and banging on about minor things its no wonder the OP is getting upset.
the main points of her OP were
While her OH pays the mortgage and utilities
SHE has to pay for food, the childrens clothes, shoes, birthday presents, fuel etc for her car.
she is willing to do this IF she had a job!
her OH does NOT want her to work and due to HIS shift patterns she would be unlikely to find paid employment which would earn her enough to pay for childcare (he cant and wouldnt mind the children as he doesnt interact with the kids anyway).
she has tried using ebay to earn money - but is not finding it financially viable.
she is using HER credit card to buy these things and although her OH is willing to lend his mum money - he wont give her any to buy ESSENTIALS. This must hurt! a lot! a man should take care of his family first!
She feels he treats her like dirt - not even remembering her birthday!

I just dont understand the mentality of those who think she has the life of Riley and should be grateful for a roof over her head! This is grounds for divorce if she were married, so why people think that its not abuse is beyond me!

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

But that's because you both know the other doesn't mind. Would you still ignore your partner's birthday if you knew that would upset them?

Of course not.

But the OP's husband WAS buying a card. It was the OP who told him to forget it and it is the OP who has said she will deliberately ignore HIS birthday.

But that's all unimportant stuff. The important stuff is, is he, with knowledge , expecting her to feed the children on £15 a week. She says he pays for everything else.

He may not actually realise how little money she has. There seems little communication between them.

Mojisola

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

But the OP's husband WAS buying a card. It was the OP who told him to forget it and it is the OP who has said she will deliberately ignore HIS birthday.

He's known for a year that her birthday was on that day but didn't say happy birthday in the morning and hadn't planned enough in advance to buy a card. Do you think he would be in such a well-paid job if he was so slack in his work?

But that's all unimportant stuff. The important stuff is, is he, with knowledge , expecting her to feed the children on £15 a week. She says he pays for everything else.

He may not actually realise how little money she has. There seems little communication between them.

I think she is having to find the money for much more than food.

From the description, this doesn't sound like a relationship at all. If he had a nanny or housekeeper instead of the OP, he would have to treat her a lot better than he's doing at the moment!

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

From the description, this doesn't sound like a relationship at all. If he had a nanny or housekeeper instead of the OP, he would have to treat her a lot better than he's doing at the moment!

If he is, with knowledge, treating the OP the way she describes, then I agree with you.

(I still don't see why forgetting a birthday or not wrapping Christmas presents are such heinous crimes. However, not caring that the OP does not enough money to pay for the things she has to pay for is much more serious, if that is what is happening).

JoJoB

It is economic abuse, pure and simple, with the aim of controlling the OP. He won't allow her to get a job or change his hours so that her getting a job is possible then gives her so little money that she is struggling.

If one partner in a realtionship sees the other struggling financially because of lack of income while they themselves have enough disposable income to lend money and buy land and generally do what they want it shows a marked lack of love, compassion and duty of care. Well done to the OP for getting out of this situation and shame on the people who are warning her about how hard life as a single mum is going to be. Why should she accept a partnership where her husband doesn't clearly doesn't care about her. What kind of model of relationships is that going to provide for her children? She is living the life of a single mother already, given the profound lack of real partnership going on.

The OP is happy to work and provide for her kids. Her parents sound supportive and relieved at her decision and will no doubt assist with things in the short-term.

wannabe_sybil

Does anyone have links to lists where they give the signs of financial abuse - deliberately reducing access to funds.

OP - I do feel for you. You have no money except that which you scrape together and cannot even hope that your 'partner' will show a spark of generosity or caring to your children.

If you want to leave then I suggest that you break matters down into small steps. Are the benefits in your name? (My OH insisted that he got Child Benefit even though he works and I don't for those who think that some things are automatic) I think you should insist that as they are for the benefit of the children then they should be spent on the children.

Can you go on the Debt Free Wannabe board and the Up your Income board for ideas? Also, tell your 'partner' that you will have to consider bankruptcy due to financial arrangements and see if he works out how it will affect 'his' house. It may bring matters to a head re finance. He may even rearrange financial matters to give you a breathing space to get out.

If you leave you will be entitled to maintenance for the children and it is possible to force the sale of a jointly owned house - messy and expensive but possible through the courts. See Homebuyers and Benefits Boards (but be careful about posting on Benefits as it is a bit abrasive there sometimes)

It may be worth considering going for a DMP (proper advice from people who know what they are talking about on Debt Free Wannabe board). Again that may buy you enough breathing space to get the deposit together for a rental place, and as you are financially linked with joint mortgage it will affect his credit record as much as yours and it again may concentrate his mind.

I hope all works out for you.

Idiophreak

too_much_debt wrote: »

I don't know where this idea has come that he is subsidising me he doesn't give me anything moneywise or any other wise.

What, you mean apart from paying the mortgage, the council tax, your utility bills, house insurance etc etc etc? It may not be cash in your pocket, but he's certainly paying a good chunk of your living expenses...

too_much_debt wrote: »

How does this work 'they could get by just as well' when he doesn't pay for anything, he's not going to give me money just because I stop doing Ebay I am doing Ebay as it is the only thing I can do at the moment to make some money and I do get back what I have paid out for the stock when I sell something but am not making much 'profit' on it.

As it is my only income, no Ebay, no money, no food for kids, no clothes for kids, no shoes for kids, no b/day xmas presents for kids. Jeez

Getting back what you've paid out = complete waste of time. Does it make you feel "busy" or "worthwhile"? I can only imagine that's the reason you keep doing it. I say you could manage just as well, because you're *not* getting by on your ebay earnings at the moment, far from it - you're racking up credit card debt hand over fist. That being the case, what difference would an extra £800 debt / year really make?

I don't understand how your OH thinks you're surviving if he knows the figures...If he's the kind that looks for investments (however hairbrained) for his money, he's probably the kind that realises what little sense it makes to have saving *and* credit card debt.

too_much_debt wrote: »

I never said I earned £15 a week, someone else put that, I put that my 'profit' for the last tax year (not this recent one haven't done that yet) was £800, it will probably be more this year as for 3 months the last tax year I didn't do Ebay I had a break for a while. I have been trying to get my Top Rated Seller status back which I should do this month (touch wood!) as when I lost it sales dropped dramatically as I was coming lower in the searches.

This is profit, after all the overheads are taken off ie what I paid for the items, postage, Ebay and Paypal fees etc.

Profit's all that's important...Any other figures are just noise. So last year you made £800 in 9 months. That would work out at 1066pa - £20.50 per week, assuming you earn at the same rate this year. This year, however, you've lost your Top Rated Seller status and your sales have dropped off - so the profit may be even less?

I think answering some straightforward here will make us all much clearer on the state of play here:
1) How much time do you spend on ebay each week? All in, buying, selling, wrapping, answering emails, going to the post office etc.

2) Does your OH know how little this "business" is earning you?

3) Does he support you running the ebay business, or is he against it?

4) What would he do if you stopped? How would he expect you to pay for anything then?

5) Does your OH know about your debt?
If so, how does he feel about it?

6) What happens to the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits? Do you get them, or does the OH? Are they spent directly on the children?