Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

seven-day-weekend

I actually think that £200 a month in benefits and the e-Bay money should be more than enough to buy the kids clothes and presents, and pay the dinner money, it's not as though they need clothes and presents every week is it?

The OH is keeping a roof over his family's head and paying for the utility bills etc, looks after the house and garden. I think he is pulling his weight. I agree his attitude does come over as mean, but there seems little communication between them and we hve only heard the OP's side of the story.

However, the OP obviously doesn't like or respect him and can't see that he has any good qualities. If she is going to leave him however, she should consider the effect on the three children as well as how she is going to manage financially.

too_much_debt

Any wrote: »

£35k over 2 years... blimey picking on everything? Interesting attitude on money... many people don't earn that over 2 years!! (gross, never mind nett)

As said - you obviously made up your mind, get up and leave then.

Not everyone here is going to tell you that you are that hard done by and that you are right 100%.

I don't always do everything for my OH just because he asked me. If it was 1 instance there is no point returning to it, it sounds petty.

What is your problem? The £35k went on rent to OH for living in his house (2 years of rent), cot, pushchair, clothes, nappies and any other baby stuff that we needed as this was our first child, clothes for me, food for me, if we went on a long weekend away that takes money, I didn't waste £35k on nothing.

Obviously you and your OH are happy at the moment but I wonder how you would feel if you were in a situation where you didn't want to be with him anymore or he didn't want to be with you any more, not all relationships last forever.

too_much_debt

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I actually think that £200 a month in benefits and the e-Bay money should be more than enough to buy the kids clothes and presents, and pay the dinner money, it's not as though they need clothes and presents every week is it?

The OH is keeping a roof over his family's head and paying for the utility bills etc, looks after the house and garden. I think he is pulling his weight. I agree his attitude does come over as mean, but there seems little communication between them and we hve only heard the OP's side of the story.

However, the OP obviously doesn't like or respect him and can't see that he has any good qualities. If she is going to leave him however, she should consider the effect on the three children as well as how she is going to manage financially.

Yes, plus add the £16k of credit card debt that has to be paid back every month, interest is added onto that every month too.

Surely it's not good for my children to see me unhappy all the time, no one should stay with another person just for their children's sake.

seven-day-weekend

too_much_debt wrote: »

Yes, plus add the £16k of credit card debt that has to be paid back every month, interest is added onto that every month too.

Surely it's not good for my children to see me unhappy all the time, no one should stay with another person just for their children's sake.

I knw a couple who did precisely that, they considered it their duty to their children until they were grown up, and hid their unhappiness from them although they lived separate lives. Their attitude was their children loved both their parents and it wasn't their fault that the marriiage had failed.

They got divorced once the last child had left home.

This point of view is unfashionable these days, but I for one respect it if it is just a case that the parents don't love each other any more.

JodyBPM

On a combined income of £37,800 pa with a HUGE mortgage, debt and a family of 5 to support, I would have thought that things such as school dinners, running a second car, clarks shoes are out of your budget. I also think that daily shopping for meals is a very expensive way of doing things.

I think that the pair of you sitting down and doing a SOA, and sorting out what money you actually have coming in and going out on essentials, and what is left for spending/saving would help a lot towards sorting out the financial aspects of your relationship. I think you have the misconception that your DH has plenty of money and is deliberately keeping you short, where as it is far more likely that as a family you are fairly close to the breadline. Reading between the lines, I think your DH is quite sensible with money, and is frankly probably frustrated as anything with you constantly overspending and asking him to bail you out. I would imagine he may well be delighted if you offered to go through the finances with him, and take equal responsibility for them. I would recommend that between you, you set up a series of accounts for designated things to be paid from - ie a bills account for mortgage, bills etc paid by DD, a car account for repairs, and car bills, a food account for food shopping, a (small, given your financial situation) account each for spends such as personal (non work related) petrol, mobile phone, trips or eating out etc, and an account for child related expenses such as clothes and presents. You would both find it much easier to manage the finances that way, and I would think you would start to realise that having £300 a month to spend as you will is NOT in fact your husband keeping you short.

I don't know what to say about the other issues. If they are true (certainly the smacking of your DD) then the relationship may not be salvageable anyway. But I supsect some of the "nastiness" you describe is actually your husband at the end of his tether, fed up with you spend, spend, spending when you are so short of money.

Any

too_much_debt wrote: »

What is your problem? The £35k went on rent to OH for living in his house (2 years of rent), cot, pushchair, clothes, nappies and any other baby stuff that we needed as this was our first child, clothes for me, food for me, if we went on a long weekend away that takes money, I didn't waste £35k on nothing.

Obviously you and your OH are happy at the moment but I wonder how you would feel if you were in a situation where you didn't want to be with him anymore or he didn't want to be with you any more, not all relationships last forever.

I have no problem.
I wonder why are you here arguing with me if you are clear that is what you want to do!

I have said it twice before, his attitude stinks and you obviously want to leave, so do it!

Instead you are here defending every single word even though that it has been said before - we don't agree with everything you said, but when it boils down to it on weighted average of the situation everyone so far said it stinks and leave!

RacyRed

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I actually think that £200 a month in benefits and the e-Bay money should be more than enough to buy the kids clothes and presents, and pay the dinner money.

Plus most of the food for a family of 5?
Plus most of the general day to day expenses and ALL of the childrens and the OP's personal expenses?

I'll say again.

He wanted her to give up work, she did.
He wanted children, she had them.
He continued to charge her rent for living in his house while she was bringing up his children?

The OP appears to have gone into this relationship with substantial equity from the sale of her own home. She didn't get that by being silly with money.

She now has debts because she hasn't given this guy one almighty lick in the pants. That is where the op has made her big mistake.

JodyBPM

too_much_debt wrote: »

What is your problem? The £35k went on rent to OH for living in his house (2 years of rent), cot, pushchair, clothes, nappies and any other baby stuff that we needed as this was our first child, clothes for me, food for me, if we went on a long weekend away that takes money, I didn't waste £35k on nothing.

Obviously you and your OH are happy at the moment but I wonder how you would feel if you were in a situation where you didn't want to be with him anymore or he didn't want to be with you any more, not all relationships last forever.

Sorry, I know I am "nitpicking" now, but when you say "went on rent to OH" do you mean he suddenly started charging you rent, or do you mean that you were still paying YOUR half of the rent/mortgage out of your £50K plus your maternity pay (or MA) (as you say this was for DD1, so you would have been entitled to £100 a week minimum for at least 6 months of the first year, plus 6 weeks at 90% pay. The two are quite different.

Expecting you with one child and maternity income coming in, plus a lump sum in the bank of £50K to continue to pay half of the mortgage or rent is reasonable IMO. And with one child, it would have been perfectly possible for you to go back to work (possibly p/t) unless you were in a VERY low paid job. Or did you think that he should pay for ALL of your living expenses, whilst you had £100 spending money AND £50K in the bank? He would have had nothing even close to £100 a week spending money on his wage with all the expenses to pay -AND he was going out to work every day, including some weekends!

I think you are telling only one side of the story TBH, and in a very emotive and damning way TBH.

Idiophreak

Thanks for your detailed responses, too_much_in_debt - really casts a different light on things.

It's clear that you OH is, sadly, a financial moron. He doesn't have 2k in the bank at all - he owes 10k on credit cards, so his net value is -8k at the moment.

He's in no position to be spending £50/month on the lottery, or splashing cash on madcap investment schemes. It's clear that he's completely thoughtless when it comes to money. The both of you need to sit down and go through a detailed SLA and try and stop haemorrhaging money each month. The pair of you living in such debt, and I'd guess paying through the nose in interest, I can also understand your frustration much better about the inheritance. Here we have a get out of jail free card that he's refusing to use - and it's costing you a fortune in the meantime. I can understand he has loyalty to his mother, but he also has loyalty to you and he needs to start acting in the best interest of you and your children. It sounded, originally, as though he didn't need the money from his mum - but it's clear your household *desperately* needs the cash injection to flatten out your finances. He's already added 12k of debt onto your mortgage - I hope he's not planning on doing the same again - it's just such a mammoth waste of money.

re: the ebay thing...I'd respond to him something along the lines of "I don't know what I'd do...but at the moment eBay is paying me < £1/hour. If I did a couple of shifts in a pub, or walked peoples dogs, or babysat for other parents, I could triple the amount of money I bring in - and work half the hours." and see what he says.

Don't forget that you've your personal allowance to use up, so you could come not too far from matching his earnings if you found something paying a decent wage. I used to work in Sainsburys just on Saturday and Sunday mornings - It netted me over £100/week for 10 hours work (double time on Sundays) - if you did this every week, you'd bring in £400/month - which would probably beat the amount he earns doing his one weekend per month. Yes, you'd be out each weekend, but you'd at least up your income and recover your sense of self-worth a little.

I'd also urge you to try thinking of the happier times with your partner and see whether there's anything worth saving. I can't imagine you'd have continued having children with the man beyond the first if his behaviour at the birth was typical?

viktory

too_much_debt wrote: »

I am so fed up with my OH and his attitude to most things.

We are not married, we have been together 10.5 years, have 3 children (6, 5 and 3). Mortgage is in both our names, property is valued about £230k maybe a bit less (we paid £229,350 in 2005) mortgage is £179,000 I think. . He pays all the household bills ie mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, TV licence. He earns about £37k a year.

I cannot get a job due to OH's hours (he works one week lates, the next earlies etc and works every other weekend). I have to pay for everything else ie food for kids and myself, clothes for kids, birthday and Xmas presents for them, I am self employed and sell on Ebay but only part time as I have DD3 at home except for 2 afternoons a week for 2.5 hours.

He has never helped me wrap the kids presents, buy the kids presents, when it was DD3's birthday last week I bought everything, wrapped everything, paid for all the food for her party as my parents were up and the kids like a little tea party. He never helped tidy the house up (it's a tip and a real rush when anyone comes round), I could try and be a bit tidier but feel like a lodger in my own house, I hate it here, he does all the DIY himself and thinks he is so good at it but the place looks awful, he spends lots of money on plants, last year when it was DD birthday he spent about £150 on plants but never offered any money for her birthday presents or bought her anything.

There are lots of other things about him I hate, one main thing is that he lent him mum £9k from his credit card about 4 years ago (she had court fees to pay re his late father's estate) and she said she would pay it back but hasn't, she never mentions it to him and he never asks her for it he just says she is not in a position to pay him.

She also owes him £50k which is his inheritance from his father who died in 1991 (long story), the judge gave her his father's house back into her control from the Public Trustee on condition that she sold her other house to pay them what she owed and she hasn't done that either, he signed a legal document saying she would pay him on 31st December 2009 (she told him to put the very last day of the year this was done in November 2008). She asked OH's brother if he could lend her £5k to do the house up to sell it and then when he went on holiday she rented the rooms out (she rents the rooms out in two houses now).

When we argue he throws at me that he pays all the bills and when I say I pay out a lot too he says 'yes I know'. I asked him to lend me £72 for DD3 Playgroup fees a few weeks ago and he asked me earlier where the money was (I am deliberately not paying him back as he never asks his mum for the £60k she ows him always says 'she's not in a position to pay him', well neither am I so tough.

Everything has just come to a head now and I want to leave but have £16k credit card debt and no savings. I would love to move down to near my parents as they live 2 hours away.

I just don't know what I am entitled to or how things work when you leave someone. I have tried ringing CAB but they never answer the phones when I call when they say they are open. I'm starting to hate him so much.

I can't waste another 10 years of my life with this man.

Just don't know what to do, or how to go about leaving.

Thanks if you managed to read this far!

TMD

Interesting that the post is almost entirely about money.