Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

too_much_debt

JodyBPM wrote: »

On a combined income of £37,800 pa with a HUGE mortgage, debt and a family of 5 to support, I would have thought that things such as school dinners, running a second car, clarks shoes are out of your budget. I also think that daily shopping for meals is a very expensive way of doing things.

I think that the pair of you sitting down and doing a SOA, and sorting out what money you actually have coming in and going out on essentials, and what is left for spending/saving would help a lot towards sorting out the financial aspects of your relationship. I think you have the misconception that your DH has plenty of money and is deliberately keeping you short, where as it is far more likely that as a family you are fairly close to the breadline. Reading between the lines, I think your DH is quite sensible with money, and is frankly probably frustrated as anything with you constantly overspending and asking him to bail you out. I would imagine he may well be delighted if you offered to go through the finances with him, and take equal responsibility for them. I would recommend that between you, you set up a series of accounts for designated things to be paid from - ie a bills account for mortgage, bills etc paid by DD, a car account for repairs, and car bills, a food account for food shopping, a (small, given your financial situation) account each for spends such as personal (non work related) petrol, mobile phone, trips or eating out etc, and an account for child related expenses such as clothes and presents. You would both find it much easier to manage the finances that way, and I would think you would start to realise that having £300 a month to spend as you will is NOT in fact your husband keeping you short.

I don't know what to say about the other issues. If they are true (certainly the smacking of your DD) then the relationship may not be salvageable anyway. But I supsect some of the "nastiness" you describe is actually your husband at the end of his tether, fed up with you spend, spend, spending when you are so short of money.

For God's Sake I am not asking him to bail me out, on the odd occasion when I don't have any money I ask him to pay for it or rather I ask him to lend me the money, he is not sensible with money, he spent £2k on property in Bulgaria, he spends £50+ a month on the lottery, he spends money on plants.

ALL I DO IS ASK HIM IF HE CAN PAY FOR SOMETHING 'IF' I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH money I am not asking him to pay for everything.

Why don't people understand this?

What do I spend, spend, spend on? Where have I mentioned in any of my posts that I buy clothes, shoes, cd's dvds or anything else for myself, everything I pay out for is for my children, which are 50% him too.

I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caroline_a

Not quite sure why this thread is still going on. OP, you have decided to leave, job done. Whether the rest of us think you are doing the right thing or not should not affect your decision. Personally I am concerned about your lack of how to run a family budget, because as a single parent it will be all down to you, with nobody to bail you out. However, that is only my opinion and again, should not matter to you.

I would advise you though to start updating your CV. As a single parent, without the constraints that you say your partner puts on you, you will be able to work, and will probably get help with childcare. What did you do for a living before you had the children? Will your skills need updating? If so, is there a local course you can go on?

As far as housing is concerned, have you put your name down on the housing list? You might also look at housing association websites near your parents if you think that you might move there. However, I would warn of the difficulties of access for your children to see their father if you move a long way away.

I think you have to stop listing what your partner does/did that so irritates you that you are going to leave him and just get on with it. It's your decision, and once you've made it you shouldn't need anyone else's blessing to go ahead and do it. The inheritance is lost to you, so forget that. Just be proactive and take your life forward.

JodyBPM

too_much_debt wrote: »

What do I spend, spend, spend on? Where have I mentioned in any of my posts that I buy clothes, shoes, cd's dvds or anything else for myself, everything I pay out for is for my children, which are 50% him too.

I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea what you spend it on, but in the last 6 years you have managed to spend £50K from your house sale, £16K worth of debt, all your mat pay (min £2600, probably more) plus £300 a month worth of benefits plus your ebay money. All without needing to cover the normal household expenses such as bills, council tax, mortgage, insurances etc which are covered by your OH. That's a LOT of money! If you average it out, that's well over £1k a month simple spending money!

Anyway, as others have said, you have clearly made up your mind that it is ALL your DH's fault, and he's unbearable to live with, so LEAVE! Don't wait for our validation!

But as a single mother, I'd be very suprised if you had half of what you have had to spend, plus you will have to pay all the bills yourself, plus look after (and spend on) your own house and garden etc. Don't expect it to be easier, it will be much, much harder. And once your DH is no longer on the scene, I wonder who you will blame your lack of money on then!

C_Mababejive

It is unfortunate that after 10 years what was once presumably love,has turned to hate.

OP i wonder if you could share with us how you met,presumably fell in love with and married this man?

What did you do before you met him? did you have your own career/job/money/independence?

Do you feel that a lot of this is about the loss of independence and subsequent dependence on him?

When do you think the rot set in and how?

Sometimes it is easy to think that the grass might be greener but it often isnt.

I had thought that the usual way for married women to offload their husbands was to hang onto the house as its a home for the kids,OH continues to pay toward mortgage and maintenance and goes to live in a bedsit somewhere becuase he will have no money left?

I think the whole thing about his mother and money is between him and his mother.

I do think that you shouldnt be made to feel dependent though..it should be an eual relationship.

How you had a proper conversation with OH about this?

too_much_debt

Any wrote: »

I have no problem.
I wonder why are you here arguing with me if you are clear that is what you want to do!

I have said it twice before, his attitude stinks and you obviously want to leave, so do it!

Instead you are here defending every single word even though that it has been said before - we don't agree with everything you said, but when it boils down to it on weighted average of the situation everyone so far said it stinks and leave!

And you never answered my question earlier.

It is DD's birthday at the beginning of June, what should I do:

a) ask OH if he has any money for her presents, or

b) add it onto my credit card?

too_much_debt

JodyBPM wrote: »

I have no idea what you spend it on, but in the last 6 years you have managed to spend £50K from your house sale, £16K worth of debt, all your mat pay (min £2600, probably more) plus £300 a month worth of benefits plus your ebay money. All without needing to cover the normal household expenses such as bills, council tax, mortgage, insurances etc which are covered by your OH. That's a LOT of money! If you average it out, that's well over £1k a month simple spending money!

Anyway, as others have said, you have clearly made up your mind that it is ALL your DH's fault, and he's unbearable to live with, so LEAVE! Don't wait for our validation!

But as a single mother, I'd be very suprised if you had half of what you have had to spend, plus you will have to pay all the bills yourself, plus look after (and spend on) your own house and garden etc. Don't expect it to be easier, it will be much, much harder. And once your DH is no longer on the scene, I wonder who you will blame your lack of money on then!

I never had any maternity pay I had to pay it all back as I got pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was 4 months old and couldn't return to work.

I'm not replying to anymore posts, it's pointless as people are not listening to what I am saying they are just picking up on the bits they want to pick up on.

His life is no different to what it was 10 years ago when he met me he is still paying the same bills, children are a 50-50 thing, they are 50% me and 50% him so surely he can SOMETIMES spend some money on them or for things they need, he wanted them as much as I did.

I am so shocked by some posts that he pays the bills and that is the end of his responsibility, he shouldn't have had kids then.

Even my dad said to him that he lives the life of a single man and would he like to be single again but he didn't reply, so he will find himself single and will have to travel 2 hours every other weekend when he is off to see his kids, if he's not prepared to pay a measly £72 for his daughters playgroups fees then shame on him and shame on anyone who thinks he is the poor hard done by one here.

Idiophreak

C_Mababejive wrote: »

I think the whole thing about his mother and money is between him and his mother.

You think? I've done a bit of a U-turn on this...put yourself in OP's position.

Your husband's due 50k from his mother, but rather than getting it, he ends up lending her another 12k - and then adds that on to your mortgage. Subsequently, as a family, you can't make ends meet (because of the higher mortgage payments? Who knows) and between you, you end up with 26k of credit card debt. This will be costing you £500 in minimum payments, and attracting something like £400 interest per month - which is just causing you to add more to the debt.

Because of your poor financial situation, you are forced to work as many hours as possible buying and selling on ebay (whether this is the best use of your time or not) to try and earn a few extra pounds that may help.

All the while, you know that your OH, and his mum, are happy for this to continue, while she lives in one large house and has another for rental income.

I really think this has gone beyond a matter between him and his mum - *his* decision has had a massive impact on their joint finances (through extending the mortgage) and this is knocking on to costing them *thousands* each year - and degrading OP's quality of life in the meantime - and that of their children. Anyone with any sense can see this has gone far beyond the normal realms of "helping mum out of a spot"...OPs family desperately need this money. (and, much as I hate to say it, this guy's dad must be turning in his grave seeing the problems it's causing).

Idiophreak

too_much_debt wrote: »

It is DD's birthday at the beginning of June, what should I do:

a) ask OH if he has any money for her presents, or

b) add it onto my credit card?

...but you know he doesn't have the money. The real question you're asking is should you
a) put it on his credit card
or
b) put it on your credit card

- the honest answer? like it matters!

Do some reviews on dooyoo, earn £50 cash in a couple of weeks, or a couple of Amazon vouchers and buy something for your DD out of that.

too_much_debt

Idiophreak wrote: »

...but you know he doesn't have the money. The real question you're asking is should you
a) put it on his credit card
or
b) put it on your credit card

- the honest answer? like it matters!

Do some reviews on dooyoo, earn £50 cash in a couple of weeks, or a couple of Amazon vouchers and buy something for your DD out of that.

He has £2k sitting in his bank account, he would be able to withdraw the cash he wouldn't have to use his credit cards, he only uses his credit cards when he has to pay for his car insurance or service.

Idiophreak

too_much_debt wrote: »

He has £2k sitting in his bank account, he would be able to withdraw the cash he wouldn't have to use his credit cards, he only uses his credit cards when he has to pay for his car insurance or service.

It's just semantics. He doesn't have spare money, fact.
It doesn't seem that either of you appreciate that.

That £2000 is probably costing him £40/month through being in his account rather than being used to pay off his CC. If he's viewing it as a "buffer" against unemployment etc, maybe he thinks that's a price worth paying, but it probably isn't...You're both in scary amounts of debt - and need to start dealing with it one way or another.