Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

Any

too_much_debt wrote: »

I never said I wanted him to spend his inheritance on me, he told me that when he got his money he would stop working weekends, the weekends used to be a big problem for me when I had 3 children under 4 years old. He is not happy to let his mum keep the money, he wants his money but knows that she will not do anything to give it to him.

Excuse me but £50k doesn't go nowhere so why would I want to get my hands on it. I had £50k profit when I sold my house to move in with OH and I had to use those funds when I was pregnant with DD1 for clothes and baby equipment and stuff and that £50k didn't last long, the last £15k I had went on the deposit for this house.

Sorry, you spent £35k on baby stuff and baby equipment???
This post does not back your argument at all, you see that don't you?

Yes, it is strange to ask your OH to "lend" you money, but if you need £35k for a baby it does not surprise me he is reluctant!

Think twice about your arguments and reconsider which ones are actually a problem and which not..

Argument over going to buy toilet paper because cold make you need wee is pathetic.

Constantly coming down on that £50k while you then say yourself she won't give him - there is no point.

Driving yourself to A&E and being told you are nothing without him are things of importance in such a decision making.

1sttimer_2

Too-much-debt, who pays for the weekly food shop? If it is you, then when making simple meals, serve out a smaller amount for your OH, if he grumbles, say you cannot afford to make any more.

What, apart from clothes, do you buy your children? I know that children's clothes can be expensive, but have you/do you buy them off ebay or charity shops? They won't care a toss where they come from as long as they are clean. If they can be handed down, then that is good. Does your school have a second hand stall, and if not, could you suggest it. There may be other mums in a similar position of not being able to/want to pay full price for uniforms. Toys are not a necessity, so if they have some, they don't need anymore. Parks are free and good fun.

I would tell you to cut up your credit cards. If you don't spend on them, then you cannot rack up any more debt, if you do not have enough cash to buy food (if your OH doesn't pay for weekly shop) then you tell him you have no money so will jam and bread do?

Buy only the cheapest foodstuff, work out a meal plan and stick to it and freeze home cooked meals ahead. If you are not working then if you look on the Old Style board they will give you plenty of advice on how to buy/prepare food on a small budget.

On my birthday my OH never said anything nor gave me anything till evening, till I eventually threw back at him a bunch of whoopsie flowers and told him he had the whole year to get something better. He didn't do it again! But then, he wasn't/isn't mean with money in other ways.

It seems you have made up your mind and even though there is some good advice on here, I think you are perhaps wanting to have 'permission' from posters to say you've got it really tough and enough is enough so leave.

Just think ahead, and get all your papers in order before you go to know what you are entitled to, make sure you have somewhere to stay and then when all is done, tell him you're leaving. If he reacts negatively and wants you to stay, then you take that opportunity to work things out between you, but if not, then your decision to leave will be the right one.

Good luck.

Mojisola

Any wrote: »

HOWEVER, the lack of the OH's care for the children or OPs feelings is alarming. This man is selfish, there is no question about that. And I could not live with such a selfish man.
OP, you know what you want to do, you have obviously made your mind up so just get up and go.

This is the essence.

too_much_debt - stop talking and take action. You are not happy in this situation. Get out.

too_much_debt

Any wrote: »

Sorry, you spent £35k on baby stuff and baby equipment???
This post does not back your argument at all, you see that don't you?

Yes, it is strange to ask your OH to "lend" you money, but if you need £35k for a baby it does not surprise me he is reluctant!

Think twice about your arguments and reconsider which ones are actually a problem and which not..

Argument over going to buy toilet paper because cold make you need wee is pathetic.

Constantly coming down on that £50k while you then say yourself she won't give him - there is no point.

Driving yourself to A&E and being told you are nothing without him are things of importance in such a decision making.

I left work, I used my £50k for anything that I needed INCLUDING Baby equipment, baby food when she was born, nappies, clothes and anything else that was needed, eventually my money dwindled down over the course of 2 years, blimey you are picking on everything, I was still paying OH rent for living in his property out of my £50k over these 2 years. My money was all gone when we moved into this house in June 2005.

It's not the toilet paper it's the fact that he wouldn't go out of his way to buy something for me not even walk down to the end of the road to the shop.

The whole picture is a problem, his attitude to things, happy to let me spend out on my credit card, it's DD1's birthday at the beginning of June now what do you suggest I do 1) ask him if he has money to pay for presents or 2) add it onto my credit card.

FBaby

It sounds like you have reach the stage where all there is left is resentment for one another both only seeing the other one's fault. I can feel your partner's resentment towards you because of your spending and not bringing in much money and as you claim yourself, not really keeping the house as clean as can be. You say you are very busy, but you have two children at school, one who goes to playschool twice a week, surely that does leave time to do domestic task?

In any case, I don't comprehend this business of you not working? You say your partner doesn't want you to get back to work. I do find this a bit strange considering the financial situation you are in, but most importantly, I don't understand considering how frustrated you are that you don't tell him to get lost and get a job anyway. You might not get a lot of help with chilcare costs, but most likely you would most likely still be better off than what you get from ebay. You clearly need to feel more independent fiancially, well that is the only way you will be so, and your husband can't force you not to.

too_much_debt

1sttimer wrote: »

Too-much-debt, who pays for the weekly food shop? If it is you, then when making simple meals, serve out a smaller amount for your OH, if he grumbles, say you cannot afford to make any more.

What, apart from clothes, do you buy your children? I know that children's clothes can be expensive, but have you/do you buy them off ebay or charity shops? They won't care a toss where they come from as long as they are clean. If they can be handed down, then that is good. Does your school have a second hand stall, and if not, could you suggest it. There may be other mums in a similar position of not being able to/want to pay full price for uniforms. Toys are not a necessity, so if they have some, they don't need anymore. Parks are free and good fun.

I would tell you to cut up your credit cards. If you don't spend on them, then you cannot rack up any more debt, if you do not have enough cash to buy food (if your OH doesn't pay for weekly shop) then you tell him you have no money so will jam and bread do?

Buy only the cheapest foodstuff, work out a meal plan and stick to it and freeze home cooked meals ahead. If you are not working then if you look on the Old Style board they will give you plenty of advice on how to buy/prepare food on a small budget.

On my birthday my OH never said anything nor gave me anything till evening, till I eventually threw back at him a bunch of whoopsie flowers and told him he had the whole year to get something better. He didn't do it again! But then, he wasn't/isn't mean with money in other ways.

It seems you have made up your mind and even though there is some good advice on here, I think you are perhaps wanting to have 'permission' from posters to say you've got it really tough and enough is enough so leave.

Just think ahead, and get all your papers in order before you go to know what you are entitled to, make sure you have somewhere to stay and then when all is done, tell him you're leaving. If he reacts negatively and wants you to stay, then you take that opportunity to work things out between you, but if not, then your decision to leave will be the right one.

Good luck.

I mainly pay for the food, when he is on the late shift he is not here for dinner so I pay for the school dinners for 2 kids and do dinner in the evening as well as DD3 needs a proper dinner and the other two are normally hungry. He does sometimes go to Iceland. I buy the washing powder and softener, if I go out sometimes he'll ask me to get him razors or milk or something. I don't do a weekly shop I buy things daily as I don't have £80-100 at anyone time to do a big shop, I buy most of the food from Iceland.

As people obviously think he is hard done by I'll pay him the £72 back.

I used to buy all my kids clothes off Ebay or from another website that had a for sale forum, luckily I am able to pass down clothes from DD1 to DD2 and save things that DD2 has outgrown for DD3. I don't buy second hand shoes and always get DD3 Clarks shoes as she needs proper shoes as her feet are growing, DD1 and DD2 just get normal shoes now as I cannot afford £90 for Clarks shoes.

My kids have enough clothes for the Summer so don't need to buy any more.

FBaby

We are indeed going into the nitty gritty, but you are saying that you spent £17K a year on just your child? Not towards the rent, not towards the bills, but your child??? A baby doesn't cost much at all, certainly not £17K, unless you buy all the most expensive furniture, designer baby clothes enough to dress 5 kids etc...

Did you work before you had your children?

Any

too_much_debt wrote: »

I left work, I used my £50k for anything that I needed INCLUDING Baby equipment, baby food when she was born, nappies, clothes and anything else that was needed, eventually my money dwindled down over the course of 2 years, blimey you are picking on everything, I was still paying OH rent for living in his property out of my £50k over these 2 years. My money was all gone when we moved into this house in June 2005.

It's not the toilet paper it's the fact that he wouldn't go out of his way to buy something for me not even walk down to the end of the road to the shop.

The whole picture is a problem, his attitude to things, happy to let me spend out on my credit card, it's DD1's birthday at the beginning of June now what do you suggest I do 1) ask him if he has money to pay for presents or 2) add it onto my credit card.

£35k over 2 years... blimey picking on everything? Interesting attitude on money... many people don't earn that over 2 years!! (gross, never mind nett)

As said - you obviously made up your mind, get up and leave then.

Not everyone here is going to tell you that you are that hard done by and that you are right 100%.

I don't always do everything for my OH just because he asked me. If it was 1 instance there is no point returning to it, it sounds petty.

too_much_debt

FBaby wrote: »

It sounds like you have reach the stage where all there is left is resentment for one another both only seeing the other one's fault. I can feel your partner's resentment towards you because of your spending and not bringing in much money and as you claim yourself, not really keeping the house as clean as can be. You say you are very busy, but you have two children at school, one who goes to playschool twice a week, surely that does leave time to do domestic task?

In any case, I don't comprehend this business of you not working? You say your partner doesn't want you to get back to work. I do find this a bit strange considering the financial situation you are in, but most importantly, I don't understand considering how frustrated you are that you don't tell him to get lost and get a job anyway. You might not get a lot of help with chilcare costs, but most likely you would most likely still be better off than what you get from ebay. You clearly need to feel more independent fiancially, well that is the only way you will be so, and your husband can't force you not to.

My OH doesn't have resentment over my spending he has no clue what I spend out on, it doesn't really affect him as we don't have a joint bank account.

Why does my OH want to pay out for childcare when he has me at home doing it for nothing, it is one less thing for him to pay out for so he is happy I am at home all the time and happy that I Ebay to get myself some money.

Read my reply to Idophreak above about what he said when I asked him about giving up Ebay and if he thought I was wasting my time.

RacyRed

too_much_debt wrote: »

I left work, I used my £50k for anything that I needed INCLUDING Baby equipment, baby food when she was born, nappies, clothes and anything else that was needed, eventually my money dwindled down over the course of 2 years, blimey you are picking on everything, I was still paying OH rent for living in his property out of my £50k over these 2 years. My money was all gone when we moved into this house in June 2005.

She isn't working so has no income
She has his child
And he is charging her rent for living in his house?

:mad::mad::mad::mad:

OP, go to the debt free wannabe board. Do a complete statement of account for the money YOU have control over and post it. Then we can all see if your problems are of your own making or not. Either way, you will get more help and less abuse that way.