Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

JodyBPM

too_much_debt wrote: »

Sorry but where do you get £100k from?£50K plus £16K debt plus £3k mat pay plus £300 a month for 6 years. May not be exactly £100K, but not awfully far off - certainly a HUGE sum of money! I had £50k profit from my house that paid for the same things I paid for when I was working after I stopped working, I still paid rent to OH for staying at his flat (that is £7,200 for 2 years), I didn't stop paying just because I was pregnant - why on earth would you stop paying your way just because you are pregnant. You say it as if he was being unreasonable, I don't think so. Yes I did buy my kids Clarks shoes when they were younger, the youngest child I still buy Clarks for at least for another year as they are better for her growing feet. Oh and yes in August 2004 (the month before conceiving my first child) I paid for myself and my parents to go to Hawaii as they had done a lot for me over the years (still do) and I wanted to treat them as a Thank You, so shoot me for spending some of my profit from my house sale after I had been working 2 jobs for 3 years.

As taken from the guardian.com 'A baby costs an average of £8,500 in the first year alone' I think you will find that would include the loss of earnings or childcare. Honestly, if you spent £8.5K on your baby in a year whilst staying at home, you were frittering money left, right and centre, no questions!and I was paying for all the baby stuff out of my £50k so don't tell me my OH pays for everything I paid for all the baby stuff for two babies (DD2 was born when DD1 was 13 months old - so surely you didn't need anything else for DD2 and you had DD1s recently bought/used stuff, and they are both girls) as I had my savings which is fair enough as I had the money but now I don't have any money I should be able to ask for a bit of help, it's not like they are someone else's kids and I'm expecting him to help me out, he wanted them just as much.

I haven't had to ask him to pay for something for his own kids for months. Apart from the mortgage, bills, council tax, insurance etc that is.

You know I think you might be a bit annoyed that I get to stay at home and look after my kids while you have to go out to work.[/QUOTE]
LOL, you are so far from the truth now. I work (2 days a week) because I have a career and a high paid job, and I don't want to lose my skills. I work because I have pride and value my indepence and like to contribute to the family coffers, I work because I would go bonkers at home with the children full time, I work to pay off our mortgage so that we will be mortgage free next year. Financially I don't need to work, DH earns enough to comfortably pay all the bills etc, but I'm only in my 30s, I have a lot of working years left and I don't want to lose my place on the career ladder and have to start again from stratch. I have the choice to stay at home, all things considered I have chosen not to. And I keep a shipshape house as well as working and looking after the children too! I'm an equal contributor in our marriage and I prefer it that way!

too_much_debt

JodyBPM wrote: »

too_much_debt wrote: »

Sorry but where do you get £100k from?£50K plus £16K debt plus £3k mat pay plus £300 a month for 6 years. May not be exactly £100K, but not awfully far off - certainly a HUGE sum of money! I had £50k profit from my house that paid for the same things I paid for when I was working after I stopped working, I still paid rent to OH for staying at his flat (that is £7,200 for 2 years), I didn't stop paying just because I was pregnant - why on earth would you stop paying your way just because you are pregnant. You say it as if he was being unreasonable, I don't think so. If you read what I said I said 'I didn't stop paying rent. Yes I did buy my kids Clarks shoes when they were younger, the youngest child I still buy Clarks for at least for another year as they are better for her growing feet. Oh and yes in August 2004 (the month before conceiving my first child) I paid for myself and my parents to go to Hawaii as they had done a lot for me over the years (still do) and I wanted to treat them as a Thank You, so shoot me for spending some of my profit from my house sale after I had been working 2 jobs for 3 years. No comment on this then?

As taken from the guardian.com 'A baby costs an average of £8,500 in the first year alone' I think you will find that would include the loss of earnings or childcare. Honestly, if you spent £8.5K on your baby in a year whilst staying at home, you were frittering money left, right and centre, no questions! and I was paying for all the baby stuff out of my £50k so don't tell me my OH pays for everything I paid for all the baby stuff for two babies (DD2 was born when DD1 was 13 months old - so surely you didn't need anything else for DD2 and you had DD1s recently bought/used stuff, and they are both girls) I had to buy a Double Buggy after DD2 was born, two lots of nappies, baby milk still as I had my savings which is fair enough as I had the money but now I don't have any money I should be able to ask for a bit of help, it's not like they are someone else's kids and I'm expecting him to help me out, he wanted them just as much.

I haven't had to ask him to pay for something for his own kids for months. Apart from the mortgage, bills, council tax, insurance etc that is. Exactly what he has been paying for the last 10 years and would continue to pay if me and the kids weren't here.

You know I think you might be a bit annoyed that I get to stay at home and look after my kids while you have to go out to work.[/QUOTE]
LOL, you are so far from the truth now. I work (2 days a week) because I have a career and a high paid job, and I don't want to lose my skills. I work because I have pride and value my indepence and like to contribute to the family coffers, I work because I would go bonkers at home with the children full time, I work to pay off our mortgage so that we will be mortgage free next year. Financially I don't need to work, DH earns enough to comfortably pay all the bills etc, but I'm only in my 30s, I have a lot of working years left and I don't want to lose my place on the career ladder and have to start again from stratch. I have the choice to stay at home, all things considered I have chosen not to. And I keep a shipshape house as well as working and looking after the children too! I'm an equal contributor in our marriage and I prefer it that way!

I don't work as I don't have the option at the moment until DD3 goes to full time school in a year and a half, OH doesn't want me to work, he doesn't want strangers looking after his children and never did, as he said 'you can't say sorry afterwards', he said he could be happy going to work knowing that I was here to look after them as I am their mum and would never hurt them, I don't have family nearby to look after them and I would never have asked them even if I had as they are my children, we chose to have children so why should my parents look after them. My mum bought up her brothers from the age of 12 as her dad died and my Nan had to go out to work, then she had her own children (my mum's youngest brother was 16 at the time), so she looked after children all her teenage and adult life so I woudn't have expected her to look after mine.

My mum never used to work when she had my brother and me, my dad paid the rent, bills and food and stuff for us, my mum used to do something with coupons to earn money, or did work from home and I'm sure that never paid much either.

Caroline_a

jenjade wrote: »

i am just sorry that there are not more messages of support. i really cant understand everyones obsessions about money ... what you earn where it goes etc. it is not relevant what is more relevant would be some help on what you would be able to claim etc

Unfortunately the OP's first post indicated that all her problems came from her husband not giving her enough money, but as her story has unfolded some anomalies have arisen. I have asked several questions about what she would do if she moves on and how she intends to support herself and her children, but have had no answers. Maybe when the OP asks questions about how she can move on, and what she would need to do about supporting herself and her children as a single parent then she would get more help and advice.

However, all she appears to be saying is that everything is her husband's fault and she wants to leave him. I understand that she has made her decision, but by continually coming up with more reasons why her husband is so dreadful, she isn't getting anywhere, and I think that also people are frustrated by her naive attitude to money.

Edit - due to cross post from OP: Additionally she is still saying she 'can't work' but most people with young children work now, and if the only thing that is stopping her is her husband, then that won't be an issue when she's left him.

Mojisola

too_much_debt - I can't understand why you're still explaining yourself. You're not happy in the relationship so do something about it. All the time spent on here arguing with people who don't know you or your OH is time wasted when you could be arranging the start of a happier life.

JodyBPM

Basically I am leaving this thread because its just turning into a row, with more and more strange twists being added into the mix by the OP to try and defend her case.

As I have said all along OP, leave your DH if you want to leave your DH - its your decision and no one else's. I would personally have left long ago if my DH had hit a child of mine. Your original reasons for leaving given in the first post don't stack up though. £300 a month is LOADS for childrens day to day expenditure, a LOT more than you will have left if you are a single mum, and have to pay all your bills and living expenses yourself. Perhaps when you have to pay for it yourself, you will realise quite how much the bills and expenses for a family are, and will appreciate quite how much your DH has contributed all these years.

Good luck whatever you do, but I'm fairly sure you won't find that financially the grass is greener. Emotionally it may be.

too_much_debt

Caroline_a wrote: »

Unfortunately the OP's first post indicated that all her problems came from her husband not giving her enough money, but as her story has unfolded some anomalies have arisen. I have asked several questions about what she would do if she moves on and how she intends to support herself and her children, but have had no answers. Maybe when the OP asks questions about how she can move on, and what she would need to do about supporting herself and her children as a single parent then she would get more help and advice.

However, all she appears to be saying is that everything is her husband's fault and she wants to leave him. I understand that she has made her decision, but by continually coming up with more reasons why her husband is so dreadful, she isn't getting anywhere, and I think that also people are frustrated by her naive attitude to money.

Edit - due to cross post from OP: Additionally she is still saying she 'can't work' but most people with young children work now, and if the only thing that is stopping her is her husband, then that won't be an issue when she's left him.

I said in my first message that I needed to speak to some at the CAB to see what I would be entitled to so I can't answer your question until I've found out, then I will know how I can support my kids.

And he is NOT my husband - thank the Lord!! Thank God I never married him at least we won't have the expense of getting divorced.

And why are you and JodyBPM sticking up for him, he knocks my confidence and tells me I'm nothing without him, tells me his life doesn't revolve around me (doesn't revolve around his kids either) he obviously wants the life of a single man, which is basically what he is doing and yes he pays all the bills, but he's been paying a mortgage and bills for the last 10 years and would continue to pay the same bills if me and the kids weren't here, what is different for him - nothing. I've given up my career to have children, he has given up nothing his life is exactly the same as it was before I met him, same job, same company, same hours (one week late, the next earliers, working every other weekend Saturday from 7.30am until 6pm and Sunday from 8am until 5pm), his life has not changed one bit.

too_much_debt

Mojisola wrote: »

too_much_debt - I can't understand why you're still explaining yourself. You're not happy in the relationship so do something about it. All the time spent on here arguing with people who don't know you or your OH is time wasted when you could be arranging the start of a happier life.

I don't know why I am either but I don't like people to make up things, I never said he never gave me enough money people are reading into it what they want.

balletshoes

too_much_debt wrote: »

He doesn't subsidise my Ebay, he doesn't want to give me any money so he is glad I am doing Ebay to earn money to pay for things and I am happy to pay for things when I have the money but if at anytime I don't have enough for something I should be able to ask him if he could pay it.

I don't know where this idea has come that he is subsidising me he doesn't give me anything moneywise or any other wise. Poor hard done by man with £2k in the bank, spending £50 a month on the lottery just paying for petrol for his car yet when we go anywhere we use my car and use all my diesel so I'm having to pay out more for diesel, if my car goes wrong it won't be him paying for it or even offering to pay a bit it will be me paying it with my credit card and him quite happy to see me adding to my debt, maybe he thinks if I have all this debt I won't leave him.

I've read 4 pages of this thread up to this point - and my question is - if he's the earner, and you're only earning £15 a week on ebay (and seriously, if thats all you are earning on average, I really just wouldn't bother - all that work for £60 a month?) - why isn't he paying for the household food/kids clothes? You've said he isn't and he doesn't - but have you 2 actually ever discussed why he doesn't, and what he'd do if you didn't have any income at all?
Surely you guys discussed this when you decided to have kids together and you decided that he'd carry on working and you'd stay home?

Is the pressie thing (him not being involved in choosing/buying/wrapping them) the straw thats breaking the camel's back with you? Its just you seem very upset about this, and in my opnion, this is a very trivial thing - surely as long as one of you is making birthdays fun/nice for your kids, thats enough?

If you have tried and tried to make your OH understand that you can't pay the bills he expects you to be able to afford to pay, and you 2 don't actually have any nice things to say about or to each other, then maybe enough is enough and you're ready to leave. I do agree that there seems to be a big lack of communication between you - and you're right, it takes the two of you to communicate, to talk and to listen.

jessicamb

Its probably too late if you are set on leaving but if you wanted to increase your income from home you could look at alternative business options - ironing for example you could probably fit around kids; or develop your ebay business into something that is higher value goods.

Oh and for your daughters present maybe you could split the difference and both get something small - two £10 presents wouldn't add much to the overall debt pile. I know you think it should come from your husbands stash but it doesnt sound like either of you have any spare cash at the moment. Maybe if you have the conversation and set the limit at that it may put the need for other spending like lottery tickets, new clothes etc into context.

Caroline_a

too_much_debt wrote: »

I said in my first message that I needed to speak to some at the CAB to see what I would be entitled to so I can't answer your question until I've found out, then I will know how I can support my kids. You can find this out here http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/benefits-check

And he is NOT my husband - thank the Lord!! Thank God I never married him at least we won't have the expense of getting divorced. So that part is easy, but you will still have the property to be sold... if your partner agrees. If not you will have to go to court.

And why are you and JodyBPM sticking up for him,
We're not - we're not sticking up for either of you. We just dont agree with some of the things you are saying.
he knocks my confidence and tells me I'm nothing without him, tells me his life doesn't revolve around me (doesn't revolve around his kids either) he obviously wants the life of a single man, which is basically what he is doing and yes he pays all the bills, but he's been paying a mortgage and bills for the last 10 years and would continue to pay the same bills if me and the kids weren't here, but he is paying your mortgage and bills, and those would be lower if you and the children weren't there. what is different for him - nothing. I've given up my career to have children, you still haven't answered the question as to what you did before the children - again, how can anyone offer help with this if you don't tell us details he has given up nothing his life is exactly the same as it was before I met him, same job, same company, same hours (one week late, the next earliers, working every other weekend Saturday from 7.30am until 6pm and Sunday from 8am until 5pm), his life has not changed one bit.

If you want help you have to start looking at what you are going to do, not what your partner has done - that, if you have fully made your decision, is history now.