Want to leave OH can't bear living like this anymore

Padstow

I'm amazed at people saying OP get's the majority of the disposable income, so she should as she's spending on the children. They're his children too and if she leaves him, he will have to pay CM of something like £800 pm. Perhaps she should point that out to him, may focus his mind.

I do think though OP the Ebay lark is a waste of time. You said elsewhere you are posting 10 parcels a day. What the heck are you selling to achieve such a low turnover? Frankly the figures don't add up. You must be buying to sell as you have a business account.
You could take the little one in a pushchair and deliver leaflets, sell Avon, anything. You couldn't earn any less.

Caroline_a

Padstow wrote: »

I'm amazed at people saying OP get's the majority of the disposable income, so she should as she's spending on the children. They're his children too and if she leaves him, he will have to pay CM of something like £800 pm. Perhaps she should point that out to him, may focus his mind.

.

Not quite sure where you get this figure from - according to the Government child maintenance calculator it would be around £114 a week for 3 children if the NRP is earning around £37000.

Padstow

I'm seeing £188 pw on the CSA site. OP said H was on 39k. I'm probably wrong as I've never, thank God had the need to receive CM.
If your right Caroline, and I expect you are, it's still better than zilch, which is what she gets at present.

That's not to say I advocate her leaving, as being alone with three kids would be pretty tough, H may re-think his position though.

thorsoak

too_much_debt wrote: »

I am so fed up with my OH and his attitude to most things.

We are not married, we have been together 10.5 years, have 3 children (6, 5 and 3). Mortgage is in both our names, property is valued about £230k maybe a bit less (we paid £229,350 in 2005) mortgage is £179,000 I think. . He pays all the household bills ie mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, TV licence. He earns about £37k a year.

I cannot get a job due to OH's hours (he works one week lates, the next earlies etc and works every other weekend). I have to pay for everything else ie food for kids and myself, clothes for kids, birthday and Xmas presents for them, I am self employed and sell on Ebay but only part time as I have DD3 at home except for 2 afternoons a week for 2.5 hours. So out of your £15 per week you pay for all these? Or do you include CB as well?

He has never helped me wrap the kids presents, buy the kids presents, Neither did myh OH, but it didn't make him a bad man! when it was DD3's birthday last week I bought everything, wrapped everything, paid for all the food for her party as my parents were up and the kids like a little tea party. He never helped tidy the house up (it's a tip and a real rush when anyone comes round), Flylady could be your friend here I could try and be a bit tidier but feel like a lodger in my own house, Why? I hate it here, he does all the DIY himself and thinks he is so good at it but the place looks awful, he spends lots of money on plants, last year when it was DD birthday he spent about £150 on plants but never offered any money for her birthday presents or bought her anything.

There are lots of other things about him I hate, one main thing is that he lent him mum £9k from his credit card about 4 years ago (she had court fees to pay re his late father's estate) and she said she would pay it back but hasn't, she never mentions it to him and he never asks her for it he just says she is not in a position to pay him.

She also owes him £50k which is his inheritance from his father who died in 1991 (long story), the judge gave her his father's house back into her control from the Public Trustee on condition that she sold her other house to pay them what she owed and she hasn't done that either, he signed a legal document saying she would pay him on 31st December 2009 (she told him to put the very last day of the year this was done in November 2008). She asked OH's brother if he could lend her £5k to do the house up to sell it and then when he went on holiday she rented the rooms out (she rents the rooms out in two houses now).

When we argue he throws at me that he pays all the bills and when I say I pay out a lot too he says 'yes I know'. I asked him to lend me £72 for DD3 Playgroup fees a few weeks ago and he asked me earlier where the money was (I am deliberately not paying him back as he never asks his mum for the £60k she ows him always says 'she's not in a position to pay him', well neither am I so tough.

Everything has just come to a head now and I want to leave but have £16k credit card debt and no savings. I would love to move down to near my parents as they live 2 hours away.

I just don't know what I am entitled to or how things work when you leave someone. I have tried ringing CAB but they never answer the phones when I call when they say they are open. I'm starting to hate him so much.

I can't waste another 10 years of my life with this man.

Just don't know what to do, or how to go about leaving.

Thanks if you managed to read this far!

TMD

I haven't read all the responses to your thread so I apologise if anything I say has been said before (probably has!)

To me, you sound as if it's not your OH that you are fed up with - it is your life that you are fed up with! Only you can change that - you cannot change another person.

You have three young children - if you are fed up now, when you have OH around to take off some of the pressure, and someone who does at least pay the mortgage - how fed up will you feel if you, and you alone, have sole responsibility for the children 24/7 - and worrying about paying all the bills?

The situation with his mother/his inheritance is nothing to do with you unless it was your money that he loaned her - it is impacting upon your family life BECAUSE YOU LET IT.

If you feel that you are doing everything yourself and you could manage - then why on earth are you still in this relationship?

Maybe it would be good to go and talk to your doctor - you have three young children, your partner works long hours - you might be suffering from depression - had you considered that?

Take a step back - look at the positives in your life - take control of your life yourself - if you want a clean/tidy house - then you do it FOR YOU - not for anyone else. No-one says that children have to have presents neatly wrapped and beribboned - and they're not going to worry about "did Daddy buy it or did Mummy buy it?" At the age that your children are, they'll be happy with a balloon, a birthday cake and Pin the tail on the Donkey with Mummy & Daddy.

You say that your family live 2 hours away - could you not take your children, in your car, down to see them one weekend when your partner is working? And if he wants to go out with you all in your car say - oh sorry - no diesel/petrol - we'll have to go in yours -don't have an argument - just make a statement.

I hope that you can sort things out together - the grass is not always greener on the other side!

tooldle

But she is not getting zilch. His 37K salary is paying a mortgage of approx 180K and all the household bills. That in itself sounds crippling to me.
The OP receives child benefit and has her ebay earnings, she estimates this to total about £300 per month.
Possibly both parties need a reality check. The level of debt alone, demonstrates that more mone is being spent than is being earnt. I can understand that accessing the inheritance would seem like the light at the end of the tunnel. It would provide short term relief, but unless both parties change their behaviour they will very soon be back where they started.
I feel that its time to ditch the unrealistic expectations and get to grips with the reality of the situation

Idiophreak

thorsoak wrote: »

The situation with his mother/his inheritance is nothing to do with you unless it was your money that he loaned her - it is impacting upon your family life BECAUSE YOU LET IT.

No, it's impacting on her life because it's driving her family to bankruptcy.

He's leant his mum £12k which he added to the mortgage (effectively wiping out the 15k OP put down as the deposit, by the way). The increased mortgage payments will be adding to their financial woes, causing them to run up more CC debt, pay more interest...

Their family is in *dire* financial straits right now - and her hubby could fix it just by calling in his loan to his mum (who is loaded, it seems, anyway...) His reluctance to do so shows that his immediate family is not his greatest concern.

relic

Advice: Leave him, you've obviously already made up your mind, so do it.

From your OP, seems he is paying for everything apart from food and clothes. Yet you are angry about that? He may not be offering you (or the children) all the mental support he could, but he's definately supporting you in many other ways, which is a lot more than you can say for some.

NickyBat

andy.m wrote: »

Sounds to me like neither of you understands the other and what their daily life is like...


He does not appreciate just how much things cost that you pay for and you do not fully appreciate just what he does to provide the marital home.
I bet you stopped putting out as well haven't you?

He works awkward shifts, therefore his body clock is all over the shop every other week, he works odd weekends as well when most people are home with the family, he gets mental abuse from his partner and isn't appreciated one bit.

Just trying to put forward that somewhere on another forum there may be a counteracting post to this thread as seen through the other half's eyes.



There is more than enough grounds here for relationship counselling.

Typical response, whats "putting out" got to do with anything!!!!!

NickyBat

OP, stop explaining yourself to everyone, you never asked them to judge , even though some seem to think they have the right to.

You have decided to leave him , so i would advise you go and talk to the CAB and contact the local authority of the area you are thinking of moving to.
Living on your own with your children and not working you can apply for income support and housing benefit. Child tax credits and child benefit should be put in your name and you can then also contact the csa.
Financially and emotionally it won't be easy but at least you will be your own person answering only to yourself. I know you resent your OH but for the sake of your children - especially while they are so young, i would advise you try to keep things as amicable as possible (easier said than done).
With regards to the your current home i think you should seek the advise of a solicitor.
Good luck, i wish you well

Person_one

NickyBat wrote: »

Typical response, whats "putting out" got to do with anything!!!!!

Apparently, if a man isn't getting regular enough sex on his timetable and at his convenience, any bad behaviour becomes his female partner's fault, you hear it a lot!

I'm not sure if that translates to gay relationships...