Husband gone, what now?

bonnie_bumpkins

Good evening NTSAM

You seem to be ABS ATM...

Right, I will be motherly as I'm guessing you are in your 20s??

If you were too poorly and trying to focus on being well then... you were too poorly and trying to focus on being well!! What more could you do?? And you would expect your husband to support you in this, whatever else was going on in his life or your joint life.

You mention your depression - which you recognise and have dealt with - but what about his probable depression which he does not appear to have either recognised or dealt with. I may be wrong, I hope I am

What I am saying in my clumsy way is please don't focus on what you think you have done wrong as a reason for what has gone a bit t*ts up in your marriage. It takes two to tango and equally it takes two not to tango...

To Friday eve - his three apologies after your (quite justified) outburst is a very good sign. I think it shows he is concerned for your feelings and anxious to make things up to you.

As to the support thing, I'm still not sure what he meant when he said 'support' earlier in the week (financial or 'being there') but.... how about when you next see each other you put it to him that you think it would be in both your interests, as well as in the interest of you as a couple, that you work together to make each other happy, and as you love your job, you carry on doing this and by doing so you can help him with his home study to progress his dream, which will make him happy!! If this means him giving up his job then he will have to decide this.

I really don't think he is going to ask for financial help - he is a man after all :rotfl: - seriously he has his pride and in this case I think you have to make the first move. It will be a brave move but have you got anything to lose? Really? What do you think??

BBx

Choc-addict

Hope you are feeling better this morning. I think what bonnie_bumpkins has said is perhaps worth a shot, it'll def be a brave move but as said have you got anything to lose??

Keep chin up, xx

TooSad

Thanks BB & Choc-addict.

I wish I wasn't so pathetic, I daren't say it to him for fear of having it shoved back in my face. Relations between us are much better but I just don't know what he would say. Part of me thinks he would listen and then go away and digest it.
Another part of me thinks he will just completley disregard what I say, he will hear what I have to say, but he won't really listen - IYSWIM.

I have put it all in a letter, but that seems like a step in the wrong direction. I should be able to say these things to him, without a knot being in my stomach and without me analysing everything.

Aside from that - I've been on the speed awareness course today, after getting caught speeding on my way to the coast back in July, it was a real eyeopener and I was one of the youngest on it - which really surprised me.

NTSAM x

Blade26

Muller coconut was ok x

TooSad

Blade26 wrote: »

Muller coconut was ok x

Did you hoover it up??? lol

Blade26

It seemed to have less volume than others, I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have liked to devour a Bounty LOL!

TooSad

TooSad wrote: »

Thanks BB & Choc-addict.

I wish I wasn't so pathetic, I daren't say it to him for fear of having it shoved back in my face.
I have put it all in a letter, but that seems like a step in the wrong direction. I should be able to say these things to him, without a knot being in my stomach and without me analysing everything.

I've decided that I am going to try to say what needs to be said to him tomorrow. I will take the letter and if I need to I can read from it.
I just need to stop being a ridiculous baby, !!!!!! he is my husband, I should be able to have conversations with him difficult or not, and I should be able to handle to outcome, positive or negative.

TS x

wantabetterlife

Good for you TS, i think its time things moved forward one way or another and you have given him plenty of time to lay his cards on the table and he hasnt done it so i think its going to be up to you. Having the letter to refer to is probably a good idea as in these situations it is so easy to forget all the things we want to say. You seem like such a lovely person and i know times have been rough but i cant believe your husband isnt falling over himself to move back in. Goodluck with it all and let us know how it goes. xo

Lara44

Good luck TS, I really hope it goes well for you. Don't forget you can say as much or as little as you like tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with just taking things as they come and going by your gut instinct. Try not to worry about what your relationship 'should' be like. We are all such different people Perhaps just be present in the moment, like when you're swimming?

The financial support thing - do you think he's wanted you to offer financial support? That might have been quite a conflicting and difficult thing for him. Perhaps he's built it up into a resentment of some kind? I'm guessing in the dark here, but perhaps asking him some gentle questions to start to gauge his feelings might help you know what's going on more.

And TS - you're an amazingly strong person. All people in all walks of life have bad times as well as good. You are doing great!

TooSad

Lara44 wrote: »

Good luck TS, I really hope it goes well for you. Don't forget you can say as much or as little as you like tomorrow. There's nothing wrong with just taking things as they come and going by your gut instinct. Try not to worry about what your relationship 'should' be like. We are all such different people Perhaps just be present in the moment, like when you're swimming?

The financial support thing - do you think he's wanted you to offer financial support? That might have been quite a conflicting and difficult thing for him. Perhaps he's built it up into a resentment of some kind? I'm guessing in the dark here, but perhaps asking him some gentle questions to start to gauge his feelings might help you know what's going on more.

And TS - you're an amazingly strong person. All people in all walks of life have bad times as well as good. You are doing great!

We spoke about money on Saturday when we were out, and last night when he was round here for dinner. I didn't bombard him with questions just gently probed.
My fear is I am going to lay all my cards on the table and he is either going to chuck it back in my face (biggest fear and not what I think he will do tbh) or think I am using it as a lever to get him to come home.
I don't want him home because he needs to be here to save money, I want him home because he wants to be here with me, and wants me for me and not for my money (!!) well financial support.

I think I am just going to say what needs to be said and let him digest it and let him come back to me. I don't want a snap decision its too important for that.

TS x