Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

Little_Leita

My mum was a 'good girl' who fell pregnant with me at 16 and her parents felt like you did at the start. She had to marry my dad back then (BIG mistake, and it ended after 5 years). There was such a big hoo-hah at the time amongst her peers and family about it...but fast forward 37 years and I am an only child as my mum was unable to have any more children when she did eventually meet her Mr Right. She still went to college, gained 10 O levels, 2 A levels and a CSE in psychology and has never once regretted having me. I also had a fantastic relationship with all of my grandparents because they were young enough to enjoy me.

I hope everything works out for you all, whatever she decides to do. Good luck!

Kimberley82

taxi36 wrote: »

Thanks Kimberley. Can I ask did you keep the baby? Sorry if this offends you + you dont have to answer if you would rahter not.

I had an abortion, my parents really pushed it. In the end I agreed, I was angry for a while and didnt deal too well and messed up my GCSEs. But it was the best thing in the end, the 'dad' ended up raping me a few years later.

Also after I was married and had my first child I realised I would not have been such a good mum, plus I would have been on my own rather than happily married with planned children.

kjmtidea

I fell pregnant when I was 17, I am now 27 and have 4 gorgeous boys, I am still with my other half - although it has been hard work at times but when isn't it?!

I also carried on at college and then went on to uni. When you talk to her I would just make it very clear that if they do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy then it does not mean that their lives are over. It will be hard work but it seems like you are very supportive parents which will make it 100 times easier. When I found out I was pregnant my dad wouldn't even talk about it for the first few months, by the end of the pregnancy he was happy and excited
He had the best bond ever with my first son, unfortunately my dad died when my little one was 9 months

ladymarmalade1970

I fell pregnant deliberately at 18 and my family were devastated. My boyfriend was also West Indian (we are white English) and given there weren't many black people where i was brought up this was also a big issue. My mum had to go see the doctor for help and i was told that the doctor she had to see was black and she went mad refusing to see him PSML. Within a month they had come round. My grandparents included and they hadn't even spoken with a black person before and used to call them "darkies".
My "old bag" of a mum as she was/still is had knitted blankets and everything by the time i was 5 months pregnant with my eldest child! The one that she wished would be deformed so i would abort. She DOTES on him and always has. Now, at the age of 21 he is living with her...
Your daughter will do what she feels right and it's not the end of the world. My best friend has just phoned me last week with exactly the same situation with her daughter who is 18. I just said to her that we had our children young but we have still done ok for ourselves, degrees, house owners, good jobs etc. Of course no one wishes this for their children but you just have to deal with it.
Family support is the strongest thing you can give a child and if you can hang in there i am sure you will be fine.
Don't feel guilty either for going mad and being angry. I would be the same with my daughter but you just have to get on with it.
Best of luck and i am sure you will be fine.

lauren_1

She is pregnant, not terminally ill.

Its not the end of the world and do not imply that it is, its her life, her and her boyfriend created that life and its ultimately THEIR decision.
What you think or feel has nothing to do with it.

Sticking your oar in and getting both families together is not going to help her or her boyfriend, not only is it going to embarrass, humiliate and prove that you have no faith in them being able to reach a decision but will lead to a lot of resentment towards both sets of parents by the young couple.

By all means go and meet his parents but not with your daughter present.

make_me_wise

taxi36 wrote: »

The range of emotions we are feeling today ranges from anger-shock-disapointment-disbelief-fear-anxiety-confusion.

At this point in time no decision has been made about whether the pregnancy will continue.Ashamed as I am,we have not discussed this with our Daughter as yet as we are still in the angry stage and so out Daughter has retreated to her Boyfriends house.
We plan to get the 2 families together later on tonight to discuss matters,although the end decision will be our Daughter's, we will not make her do any-thing she does not want to do.

I think the range of emotions you are feeling right now are completely normal. You feel like this because you are parents and you know just how hard having a baby is and the limits it puts on your life, if you do it properly. Probably not what you wanted for a daughter who you quite clearly just want the best for.

I imagine that your daughter is feeling all the same emotions too, but probably ten times stronger than you are. Finding yourself pregnant as a teen must be very scary.

When you meet up tonight, if you can, I would let your daughter and her boyfriend do alot of the talking first. See where they stand about all this. Then I would be really frank and honest with them about the realities of having a baby at such a young age; emotionally, physically, financially etc.

As you say in the end this has to be your daughter and her boyfriends choice. All you can do as parents is make sure she makes an informed decision about her future.

Have you spoken with the boyfriends parents yet? Do you know if you are all feeling the same way about the pregnancy.

By the way I have been trying to concieve for 2 years. I just want you to know that I didn't find anything offensive about your post. You just come across as a dad who has been hit with a bombshell and wants advice on how to handle a situation with a daughter he loves very much

nattyt

Read this with interest...from the other side so to speak. I got pregnant when i was 17..had my daughter 25 days after my 18th birthday. My dad reacted in pretty much the same way..having high hopes etc. But those high hopes were never dashed. I carried on with my college course and qualified. Had my own business until I had my other daughter. Own my own house and car DD1 will be 15 next week and do you know what shes the best 'mistake' (not that i ever think of her like that!) i ever made. She is well rounded, clever, funny pretty..i could go on! Shame her dad didn't think so. He hasn't seen her since she was 3 years old. It has been hard over the years financially and emotionally but with the support of truly wonderful family and friends I made it. It won't be easy but parenting isn't whatever age you are. If i'm being honest i was a better mum at 18 than i was when i had my last one at 29. I just went with the flow but with my other 2 i over thought it all far too much!
As lauren-1 says...she is not terminally ill. Its the not the worse thing that can happen. Whats meant to be will be.

January20

lauren_1 wrote: »

Sticking your oar in and getting both families together is not going to help her or her boyfriend, not only is it going to embarrass, humiliate and prove that you have no faith in them being able to reach a decision but will lead to a lot of resentment towards both sets of parents by the young couple.

By all means go and meet his parents but not with your daughter present.

I find this turn of phrase so offensive! This paragraph in your post shows that you haven't read all of the OP's posts properly! The families are friends! the Op and his wife have made clear to their dd that they will support her whatever she decides.

The OP is not "sticking his oar in"! He is a concerned father, trying to deal with something he wasn't expecting. Better he expresses his worries here than in person to his daughter!

Oh! and meeting the BF's parents behind the young couple's back is really not a good idea! How would that make them feel if they found out? That they are being discussed, judged and analised like a couple of kids?

mountainofdebt

OP

As others have already said, the range of emotions you are going through is natural.

Its abit like her failing an exam; you don't want to hear that she's failed and that Plan A will have to be revised,especially when everything was mapped out so clearly. But revised it will be and things work out one way or another.

My SIL got pregnant when she was 18 and tbh it probably did mean that she didn't go on to Uni when she could have gone - I know my PIL would definitely have supported her had she wanted to go.

Bennifred

taxi36 wrote: »

Treating her like what exactly?
Planning to mind the little one whilst she returns to education?
Planning to mind the little one whilst she returns to her part time job?

You make me sound like an ogre

I can see that you are a very supportive father, OP, but may I just urge caution with the "planning to mind the little one". Fine to offer, but not your place to plan child care - your daughter or her boyfriend may choose something else. Maybe his parents will be saying something similar. Maybe your daughter will want to look after the baby herself. Let the baby's parents decide who they want to mind the little one when it comes to it.

Best wishes to you all.