Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

jellyhead

I wasn't a teen but was at uni when I got pregnant unexpectedly, and the father had already disappeared travelling to 'find himself'.

My friends and tutors all made it very clear what they thought I should do (terminate). When I told my parents they said nothing either way and I will always remember that. They gave me no clue as to their own feelings about abortion, although my Mum had me when she was 16 so I guess that it's not for her.

My parents really were there for me whatever happened, and it truly was MY choice.

I'm not being critical, I know you need a place to vent and you are saying things you wouldn't say to your daughter .... but when you tell her you are willing to help with childcare please don't refer to this possible baby as 'the little one'. It sounds to me as if you already have a picture of this child in your head and you really don't want her to terminate the pregnancy. You may not think you are pressuring her, but emotive terms like 'the little one' are a subtle pressure to keep the baby.

I just thought I would say that, sorry if it offends. I kept my baby, by the way. I still got my degree. I wouldn't have told my parents if I wasn't planning on keeping it, but I realise that it's different for you in NI and she would need to tell you if a termination needed arranging.

Good luck with it all, I hope everyone's happy.

marywooyeah

I was pressured and bullied into a termination when I was 19 by my ex and it completely destroyed my life, I still have nightmares and flashbacks over 5 years later and it affects my relationship with my 3 year old.
I didnt tell my mum cos she had my sister when she was 17 and said she wishes she hadn't, and if i ever were to get pregnant she would advise me "not to keep it" so I didnt tell her thinking she'd be ashamed of me and would want me to "get rid" anyway.

when she found out she was really upset about it, and i couldnt help thinking god if I'd just have gone to her for help I could have kept him and everything would have been fine.
Your daughter needs your help, suppourt and understanding and for you not to try and persuade her either way. I would urge you to do this, as the damage caused by a termination when you don't want to do it is not only incredibly painful and traumatic, it's also very prolonged.
I know you're angry, but please try to put that to one side and listen to what it is that your daughter wants.

moomoomama27

pigpen wrote: »

Oh great.. so she'll think you are hypocrites too..

Your wife will have been 18 or thereabouts when she had your daughter.. so it is ok for you 2 but not for her? Did it end your life? Did the world stop turning? Now you know what your parents felt..

Did you stop to think that the reason is because the OP has BTDT, and wants better for his daughter? I don't think that's hypocritical at all to not want the struggle of being a teenage parent, with all the restrictions it can have upon a person/couple.

I can completely understand all the emotions, it would be what I would feel if one of my daughters were to become pregnant at a young age. I would be devestated for them, because I know how hard it is, and all that you either have to a) gve up, or b) put on hold, not to mention sacrificing your teenage years!

I was 16 when I became pregnant with my frst child. I was terrified of telling my Mum, and although at first she was angry, the emotions changed ever so quickly, from anger, tears to full support.

I can tell you that right now your daughter will be beating herself up about it, she'll no doubt be terrified, angry and regretful. You just need to be there, no shouting, no repremanding, what's done is done, and you need to be there to show her that (although I'm sure you want to do all!) at this very emotional time she has to have a stable and loving environment. No matter how you really feel, she needs you to still be the parent, the adult, because if she felt how I felt, she will feel like a little child, who want's her Mum/Dad.

Try not to give her choices, don't say what you would do, don't try and sway her opnion, just let her choose and be there.

Best of luck, you sound like a wonderful caring parent.

mrsunhappy_3

Just to give you my side

I got pregnant at 17 to my 25yr old boyfriend who at the time had just been made redundant and lived in a dingy rented flat whilst I still lived at home.

He got a job in probation and now 16yrs later we are married have our own 3 storey house in a nice area.My husband is a social worker ad we have gone on to have 2 more children.Even though I say so myself I am/was a fantastic mum my kids come first and foremost and I don't feel if I was older we could have done a better job.At 20 I had 3 kids one of whom has a serious medical condition and needed alot of care.

We are good parents,our kids are very well rounded and have never need for anything.My mum and dad were shocked at first but supported us 100% and have had an active role in my childrens life,my husbands family didn't quite show the same lever of support and cut ties about 12yrs ago

Anyway just wanted to say being a teen mum doesn't mean your going to fail at life,live in dingy rented accommodation and achieve nothing in your life,there are happy endings :-)

taxi36

Lots of excellent posts made since I last posted. Thank you to you all especially Nicki at post number 79.

To the poster - sorry I cannot recall who has said what - who said that I should not be calling the baby the "little one" , Just to clarify on that matter, I called the baby "it" (not in a bad way , I just said something like "only you can decide if you want to keep it" and my Daughter quickly said "it's not an "it" it's a baby".

Just got back from the fathers house. It didnt go too well. My Daughter hasnt yet made up her mind (we wont hurry her at all) but the fathers family dont want the pregnancy to continue. His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.

The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Needless to say I informed them that if he did walk away then the loss would be all his!

I will post back when a decision has been reached . And thanks to everyone again for all the kind posts and pm's

System

No advice but i hope all works out well for your daughter whatever she does

She's lucky to have such caring parents.

Errata

His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny

Dear me - that's real laugh out loud stuff.
Good luck with all this, hope it turns out well for those who care about the girl and may the devil take the hindmost of those who don't.

peachyprice

Ach, your poor girl, it must have broken her heart to hear them talking about her and her baby like that.

soupdragon10

I think the only 'bloody disgrace' is that the BF's parents didn't discuss responsible behaviour in relationships with him. As for someone 'not ready to be a granny' for goodness sake!

Taxi at the end of the day you are loving supportive parents who are obviously in a situation not of your chosing and offering all the support you can to your daughter. TBH his parents sound a bit of a nightmare - what did the young man say? Has he had a chance to sit down with your daughter to talk things through as the prospective parents?

Things have a way of slotting into place - your daughter must still be in shock at the moment, so giving her some time to think about what she really wants (which it seems to me is what you're doing) is to be applauded. Has she spoken to someone not involved in the situation - there are various organsiations offering support for young prospective parents depending on which area you live in. Again the more she finds out about what options there are, the better informed decision she can make.

Best of luck to you all.

mrsspendalot

taxi36 wrote: »

Just got back from the fathers house. It didnt go too well. My Daughter hasnt yet made up her mind (we wont hurry her at all) but the fathers family dont want the pregnancy to continue. His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.

The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Needless to say I informed them that if he did walk away then the loss would be all his!

Awwww sorry it didn't go so well
My partner's parents reacted terribly too. I remember his dad saying to him that he would curse the day our DD was born, amongst other pleasant things.

Hugs to your daughter .... she probably needs a couple of days 'head space' now and then to talk again to you and your wife with no one else around so she can say what she is feeling without worrying that someone will try and talk her into one thing or another.