Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

ska_lover

HI Taxi

I understand that you have 'high hopes' for your daughter, and if my teenage son came home and told me he had got his girlfriend pregnant I am sure I would feel as you do.

However, if she does decide to keep the baby, just because she will have a child, does not mean that you have to loose those 'high hopes' for her future - there will just be another person to include in the equation. I say this because I had my son when I was 17, was a single parent, and my parents offered no help whatsoever. Things were very rough when my son was small, financially and emotionally but I struggled and put myself through university and am now in a position of management (and met a very lovely man years down the line). Things CAN still work out for her long term - it just takes longer if you have kids in tow, education/going to uni, may have to go on the back burner for a short while.

bettyB_2

i think a lot of people may not understand why you are meeting with the bfs parents as they are unfamiliar to the concept of partners' (gf and bf) parents being good friends already, so be happy to deal with the situation as one big family together.

i hope the 'meeting' (too formal a term for it, might be why people are misunderstanding) goes well and your dd follows her heart with everyone backing her decision. what a lovely family to be a part of - can you imagine how this could have played out in another group of people - blaming each other and arguing, with poor dd not knowing who to turn to. I think you are doing very well by letting your dd control the situation rather than treat her like a child.

penguin83

Hi Taxi. I discovered I was pregnant when I was 18 just after I had collected my 5 A Level results and was deciding what University offer to accept. I will never forget the day I told my Mum and Dad. They went mad, told me how disappointed they were and how could I be so stupid etc etc but the next day after the shock had subsided I told them I was keeping the baby and from that day on they were brilliant and are the best Grandparents ever.

I worked full time all through my pregnancy, went back to work full time after my maternity leave. Then I bought a house when I was 20 with my OH and had my son a couple of months after. I am now 27 and I am over halfway through my Law Degree with the Open University whilst still working full time.

Give her a hug, tell you love her no matter what and give her time to make her decision. Her life is not over xxxx

Jinx

I can see it from both sides - parents always have hopes and dreams for their child/children and when something throws a spanner in the works it throws everything into question and so takes a little bit of adjusting to.

I'm reassured that the OP wants to support their daughter - I think all conversations about the future should happen at a natural pace and not try to decide everything as soon as the couple make their decision.

I was pregnant at 17, had my DD at 18. My mum was angry, horrified and mentioned abortion - she didnt speak to me for a fortnight!!!! And my ex-hubbys parents blamed it all on me. They really ruined what should have been a good experience and although my DD is doted on from all sides - I have never forgotten what was said then and have always sworn if my daughter came to me in similar circumstances that I would be 100% supportive. Oh and I've always worked and did my degree while my daughter started school.

mrsspendalot

Hi Taxi

I fell pregnant on the pill at 19 with my DD. She was not planned, but I like to think of her as being unplanned but not unwanted.

We weighed up all our options at the time and decided to proceed with the pregnancy despite being younger than we expected to be when making such a decision. I dreaded telling my parents, but they were very supportive. My partner's parents on the other hand couldn't have been less supportive if they had tried, and I'll never forget some of the cruel things they said about me and my DD when I was pregnant, and after she was born.

We took about 2 weeks to reach a decision on what we wanted to do with the pregnancy, so I think the best piece of advice is to make sure your daughter doesn't rush into any decisions overnight. These things take a little bit of time to sink in. It will have come as a huge shock to them both. I think discussing it with the other parents is good if you have a good relationship with them, but I would make sure that when you have time alone with your daughter you really emphasise the fact that it ultimately is her decision alone, and she must do what she feels is right for her, regardless of what she thinks everyone else might think she should do. My partner's parents begged me to have a termination, but I had firmly made up my mind by that point that it wasn't an option for me having already had a scan to date the pregnancy and seen my baby there on the screen. I don't regret for one minute having my DD - my life wouldn't be what it is without having had her.

Having a baby young doesn't mean the end of life and achievement. I went on to get a 1st Class Honours degree after having a baby young - whilst my younger siblings didn't even do A Levels. I think it made me more determined to prove I could still have a life and have a baby young.

make_me_wise

Whatever your daughter and her bf decide, and however the future pans out, dont punish yourself about how you have initially reacted at hearing her news. As has been said previously most parents would feel all the emotions you have. At the heart of this is the fact ,that you feel like this way because you love your daughter and want the best for her.

It shows that she has a very good relationship with yourself and her mum in that she felt able to tell you about her pregnancy. Many teens mums wouldn't feel able to do that and would be left vulnerable and having to make difficult decisions alone.

She knows that whatever she decides you will support and help her. She may not have made her mind up by the time you meet up with her and the bf family tonight. This is a big decision and they may need more time, but she has time on her side.

You are handling this well OP, just keep being there for your daughter.

rumncoke

From someone whose 19 Yr old son told us last October that his GF (21) was pregnant I can fully understand OP's initial reaction. Admittedly for us there were other circumstances (she was 33 weeks & lives in US, over for a visit & son at uni as well as the fact that DH was awaiting test results for cancer following major surgery)

Fast forward 6 months. We now have a wonderfull grandson who is the spitting image of his Dad. We have not yet seen him due to DH,s health although they are coming over in the summer. DS returned following the birth & is back at uni intent on finishing his degree before moving over there. It is hard for both of them but they know it is the best way forward.

Once we had got over the initial shock & yes anger & disappointment that they were in the situation we have been as supportive as we can. All you can do is be there for your daughter & help her reach a decision that is right for them.

Nicki

Please give mr taxi a break! The biggest issue which people are missing here is that he lives in Northern Ireland, not mainland England. I am a NI girl married to an English husband, who jokes that it may be 2011 in England but it's still 1952 in Northern Ireland.

The first thing which is different is that to have a termination is a HUGE deal for this young woman. Abortion at any stage for any reason is illegal in Northern Ireland and in the republic. There are no friendly clinics she can pop to for advice on it, nor can she "get a pill at school" as someone naively posted. The family will need to research private abortion clinics in England, fly over, find somewhere to stay for a few days, squeeze in some counselling ideally and do the deed. Not cheap, not easy, and way way more stressful than a pregnant teen in England popping down to her GP and having the whole thing arranged for her. There is then the issue as one of the other NI posters said of keeping the secret before and since.

The second thing to bear in mind is that attitudes to pregnant teens are less liberal in Northern Ireland than they are in England. Of course its not unheard of, but there will be more head shaking and finger wagging and gossip than would be the case in England. A member of my family who had a child in his thirties but only 5 months after his wedding got a fair few pointed comments about this only 10 years ago, yet that would pass without remark in mainland England. I'd bet mr taxi and his wife have been there and wear the t shirt and don't specially want their own child to do the walk of shame for her sake, however much they will support her and love her come what may.

FWIW, pouring out your heart on an anonymous forum and canvassing views in advance is a great way of venting emotion and clearing the head before getting stuck into a tricky family dynamic. He doesn't need or deserve to be lambasted for saying what's on his mind. What's important is what he says and does to his daughter, and so far his reaction to her sounds to me flawless.

I hope everything works out for you and your daughter, mr taxi.

immortalprincess

I havent read all through the posts but I just wanted to say a couple of things. Of course your disappointed, its natural BUT:-

1. There are worse things in life than being young and pregnant.

2. You/she can still have high hopes for her life.

My cousin got pregnant at a very young age (16). Her parents were a extremely unsupportive, gave her no end of grieve, said she would be ruining her life, she wouldnt be able to do anything, She proved them wrong.

She gave birth to not one but 2 beautiful babies yes, twins, 2 beautiful boys. When those boys where born, they were the apple of their grandparents eyes. Did they try to get her to abort the babies, yes they did, but, she stood her ground.

She had her babies, the father didnt stick around after their 2nd birthday, she had no support from him BUT she is now the proud mother of 2 beautiful boys aged 16. SHE is now a DOCTOR yes a doctor.

With the help from her mum and dad and family, she made it. She got through it, and do you know what, your daughter will get through it too, WHY, because you love her.

Forget about being disappointed, whats happened has happened, theres nothing that can be done to change the past its all about the future now.

As I said I havent read through the other posts, just your first one.
Just be their for her, she will be frightened and scared, and will need your support more than ever.

whitewing

OP, I have skimmed through most of the posts, can I just say that you should ensure your daughter knows that she can have the baby but does not have to spend the rest of the future with the father (although of course he should be involved)? I got pregnant accidentally at 23. It was a serious relationship but wouldn't have worked into marriage, partly because we were both career-minded and I wouldn't have been happy travelling the world with his job. The damage we did to each other by trying to do the right thing in getting engaged etc was immense. If just one family member or friend had shown or suggested how it could work without us moving in together, we would have been able to enjoy the early years and build a great relationship for our son. As it is, DS hardly sees his father and does not have contact details for him while his father is abroad.

I am another not in favour of meetings with his family.