Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

meritaten

taxi36 wrote: »

Lots of excellent posts made since I last posted. Thank you to you all especially Nicki at post number 79.

To the poster - sorry I cannot recall who has said what - who said that I should not be calling the baby the "little one" , Just to clarify on that matter, I called the baby "it" (not in a bad way , I just said something like "only you can decide if you want to keep it" and my Daughter quickly said "it's not an "it" it's a baby".

Just got back from the fathers house. It didnt go too well. My Daughter hasnt yet made up her mind (we wont hurry her at all) but the fathers family dont want the pregnancy to continue. His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.


The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Needless to say I informed them that if he did walk away then the loss would be all his!

I will post back when a decision has been reached . And thanks to everyone again for all the kind posts and pm's

it didnt go well then? I thought not.
oh dear - I see your daughters relationship with this boy and your friendship with them going Tits up! I sort of KNEW that they would take the view that their precious boy wasnt going to be held back by a baby.............and your daughter would prob get the blame.
they may have been friends - but they seem to think your daughter got pregnant all by herself!
That is why I said its up to your daughter and her boyfriend!
now the family meeting has made things worse and your daughter hasnt decided what to do yet! no surprise as how can you expect a decision so soon?

mummyofboys

Just wanted to add in my story...

I found out I was pregnant 8 weeks into a new relationship at the age of 18, my family had never even met my boyfriend. My dad was dissapointed it was etched all over his face, he didn't get mad or angry he just made it clear that it was my life and it was my life it would be affecting. Looking back as a parent I can understand the disspointment, I dont think the op was being a hypocrite I think it is simply wanting his daughter to be in a better postion when this happened, like my dad wanted for me and like I would want for my boys. HOWEVER at 18 I lacked direction in life, I was working a dead end job, spending money left right and centre and generally not really getting anywhere in life. My situation was unusual in the way that my dad and step mum were pregnant at the time of my announcement. I remember my dad visting my flat and it being amess and saying I feel sorry for your baby and that it is going to be born into this life. Not in a nasty way, but more of a wake up kind of way.

I got my act together, moved into a nice house worked as hard as I could to get some money behind me. My boyfriend got a fulltime job and we prepared as much as we could. I was 19 when I had my son, the moment I looked at him I new I would do anything for him and every ounce of motivation I had lost rushed back to me in that moment. I am now 24 I have two children to the same man, we are married. He has worked his way up at the job he got all those years ago and I am working part time whilst studying to be a nurse at college. I have a place secured at uni in september. My dad/ step mum have helped out with childcare ect but only once I proved to them I was asking for help in order to get somewhere in life. They wouldnt ever babysit if I was out every weekend getting drunk.

Yes it has been hard, I have struggled and do still struggle financially but I work hard, provide a good role model for my boys, they are clean ,well fed, warm and homed. They dont have every new toy in the shop and they dont always have the latest trend clothes but they certainly dont want for love. I hope my struggling will pay of in the future once I have obtained my degree and start full time work.

My boys gave me direction and a future, I love them to bits and they have simply been the best decision I have ever made.

I also enjoyed proving my dad wrong

You sound like a brilliant father and I wish you and your family the best

KiKi

meritaten wrote: »

it didnt go well then? I thought not.
oh dear - I see your daughters relationship with this boy and your friendship with them going Tits up! I sort of KNEW that they would take the view that their precious boy wasnt going to be held back by a baby.............and your daughter would prob get the blame.
they may have been friends - but they seem to think your daughter got pregnant all by herself!
That is why I said its up to your daughter and her boyfriend!
now the family meeting has made things worse and your daughter hasnt decided what to do yet! no surprise as how can you expect a decision so soon?

Do you really need to post with the 'I told you so' attitude?

Just because you've had some experiences, it doesn't mean all families are the same. The culture around teenage pregnancy in NI is very different to other parts of the UK, and and there will be certain expectations which might not fit your idea of how things should work, but they will be natural to others.

The OP has made it clear that they will not be rushing their daughter - she *chose* to go to her BFs to talk it through, and they went over to pick her up and discuss it. It may not have gone well, but your post of 'thought not' and 'no surprise' isn't very helpful. Which is a shame as usually your posts are more considered, from what I've seen before.

All the best with your daughter and whatever she decides, OP.

KiKi

Jinx

taxi36 wrote: »

His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.

The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Charming, exactly the supportive type of reaction they need.

What did your daughters partner have to say in all this?

Personally I think the inlaws so to speak need a bit of perspective, yes its a shock but a new baby is hardly the end of the world... And should your daughter choose to have her baby I hope they will be suitably embarassed by their comments.

Heamol

OP, it must be very hard for you all at the moment, but it's so sad to hear that his family is calling it a "bloody disgrace" etc, hardly going to help the situation, when you are clearly trying your very best to help both sides.

Whether they like it or not, the young man's parents ARE grandparents, right now. Their grandchild just hasn't been born yet. If your daughter is pressured by them into having an abortion, surely they can understand that they will have lost their grandchild, the young man will have lost his unborn daughter or son.

Reading through this post shows many, many examples of people who were initially devestated by unplanned pregnancies, but had "happy endings", as one poster put it. I very much doubt that any young mother who choses to have her baby bitterly regrets it once she has a thriving young child, but many, many young women bitterly regret their abortions.

Prayers for you all.

beautyqueen88

i got pregnant totally by accident at 16, i had already split up with my boyfriend when i found out i was pregnant,
he didn't want anything to do with her, couldn't say i blamed him we hardly knew eachother anyway.
i met my lovely fiance when my daughter was 3months old, he has brought her up as his own since then, i went back to college, im now a legal secretary, bought our first home together when i was 20 and we now have another 8 month old daughter aswell.

As much as you don't mean it i understand how you feel dissapointed i think deep down my parents worried i would amount to nothing either, my first vision of a teenage mum is still a jobless bum in a council house who's keeps on having kids, its the stereotype that has been drilled in to us all so much but it's not the case with everyone, its all about how much ambition you have, it's not the end of the world you can still be and do whatever you want to.

I hope it all works out for your daughter and if she does decide to keep the baby make sure you try and enjoy the pregnancy with her there's no point in her continuing to feel guilty in what should be a special time, what's done is done.
The boyfriends parents sound immature themselves, not ready to be a grandma what the hell does that even mean, they should appreciate they have a son who is mature enough to stand by her.

meritaten

KiKi wrote: »

Do you really need to post with the 'I told you so' attitude?

Just because you've had some experiences, it doesn't mean all families are the same. The culture around teenage pregnancy in NI is very different to other parts of the UK, and and there will be certain expectations which might not fit your idea of how things should work, but they will be natural to others.

The OP has made it clear that they will not be rushing their daughter - she *chose* to go to her BFs to talk it through, and they went over to pick her up and discuss it. It may not have gone well, but your post of 'thought not' and 'no surprise' isn't very helpful. Which is a shame as usually your posts are more considered, from what I've seen before.

All the best with your daughter and whatever she decides, OP.

KiKi

Actually the OP did not make it clear they would NOT be rushing thier daughter as they met with daughters BF as soon as they knew that daughter was pregnant.

I DID say in previous posts that I thought that meeting with BFs parents was ill-advised.

ok - so I said 'told you so'! but did you join this thread just to pick me up on that? the point of the forum is for people to advise - I had a daughter with an unplanned teen pregnancy - just like the OP. I assume that this is the sort of advice the OP wants? not just the ones who posted from the young mums view?
You have a problem with me Kiki?

beautyqueen88

mummyofboys wrote: »

I also enjoyed proving my dad wrong

lol proving my dad wrong was a huge part of my drive to succeed in life after i became pregnant and i really enjoyed it :rotfl:

KiKi

meritaten wrote: »

ok - so I said 'told you so'! but did you join this thread just to pick me up on that?

No, I've only just read the thread. Your post stood out, so I responded.

the point of the forum is for people to advise - I had a daughter with an unplanned teen pregnancy - just like the OP. I assume that this is the sort of advice the OP wants? not just the ones who posted from the young mums view?

Of course, I'm sure the OP wants advice from all sides. And it's very useful to hear from parents who've had kids go through this.

But for me there's a difference between saying 'this is what happened to me' and 'I told you you shouldn't have done that, I knew that would happen, no surprise there'. It doesn't encourage or help the OP, it just puts them down and makes them feel small.

As I mentioned before, circumstances for others are different - esp when the culture of pregnancy is different. When my young niece fell pregnant her family and the BF's family did meet - it worked for them because of the people they are. It won't work for everyone, of course.

You have a problem with me Kiki?

No, I just disagreed with a post you made.

KiKi

sassygirl_2

Really sorry but i havent read all 5 pages, but just wanted to say, I was 15 when i had my daughter, now aged 12. Everybody wrote me off, including most of my family. I have been with my hubby for 10 yrs this Dec, we have a lovely home, 4 children, and I am currently studying for a Business degree alongside having just got a new job

I would definately let your daughter come to her own decision, do not pressure her at all, and most off all tell her that you will support her in whatever decision she decides to make. She will probably be feeling pressured by her partners mother and father at the minute, so make sure she knows she has your support 100%

Hope all works out well for you all