Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

jellyhead

taxi36 wrote: »

To the poster - sorry I cannot recall who has said what - who said that I should not be calling the baby the "little one" , Just to clarify on that matter, I called the baby "it" (not in a bad way , I just said something like "only you can decide if you want to keep it" and my Daughter quickly said "it's not an "it" it's a baby".

Ah, that makes sense. It was me who said don't call it the little one, but if that's how your daughter is thinking then of course you won't be putting any pressure on her by using that phrase.

taxi36 wrote: »

His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.

The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Charming! How can they know that their son won't stick around? He might have an opinion of his own. Do you know what he thinks? Or are his parents telling you what he thinks, not just what they think?

Even so, I think it's a bit soon to be making predictions on how their son will behave in the future.

Does your daughter know what her boyfriend thinks/wants?

Mojisola

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

While I understand what you are saying, so will OPs daughter be financially repsonsible for the child. Not only that, she will be physically/emotionally responsible for the child too. If he chooses to do one, their son will get off lightly with only a financial responsibility.

I know that - but she will be choosing that option - he will have to abide by her decision. I think that could be colouring the way his parents are reacting.

jellyhead

catkins wrote: »

I know accidents happen but babies should be planned within a secure and happy relationship. I can't believe how many posters say they also got pregnant so young - have people never heard of contraception?

I'd had the depo jab. My mum was on the pill when she got pregnant with me, although I think contraception may have been less reliable back then, or perhaps they didn't know the effects of antibiotics or whatever.

I had no reason to think that the depo jab wouldn't work - it's pretty reliable. I had another unplanned pregnancy just after I had my second child (who was planned, and ironically we tried for 3 years to get pregnant with him) and then we were using condoms, while waiting to have a mirena coil fitted. My GP couldn't manage the insertion because I have an awkward shape, and during the 4 weeks of waiting for the hospital to insert it for me we got pregnant even though we hadn't noticed any split condoms.

Contraception failure does happen. If I had noticed a split condom I'd have taken the morning after pill.

I know we can't afford a 3rd child and my husband doesn't want one anyway, so I have a mirena coil which seems to be the answer - but teenagers don't tend to use such long-term invasive methods, and I think you're supposed to have a baby to open your cervix more, before you can get a coil fitted? So it's not something a typical teenager would be using.

make_me_wise

catkins wrote: »

I know accidents happen but babies should be planned within a secure and happy relationship. I can't believe how many posters say they also got pregnant so young - have people never heard of contraception?

Of course people have heard of contraception. Im surprised you have never heard that no contraception is 100% safe. Life isn't as black and white as you paint it.

jpwhittle

taxi36 wrote: »

Lots of excellent posts made since I last posted. Thank you to you all especially Nicki at post number 79.

To the poster - sorry I cannot recall who has said what - who said that I should not be calling the baby the "little one" , Just to clarify on that matter, I called the baby "it" (not in a bad way , I just said something like "only you can decide if you want to keep it" and my Daughter quickly said "it's not an "it" it's a baby".

Just got back from the fathers house. It didnt go too well. My Daughter hasnt yet made up her mind (we wont hurry her at all) but the fathers family dont want the pregnancy to continue. His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.


The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Needless to say I informed them that if he did walk away then the loss would be all his!

I will post back when a decision has been reached . And thanks to everyone again for all the kind posts and pm's

I think we can tell who is the disgrace here, thats an awefull reaction your poor daughter. Im sorry if this sounds harsh but if thats how the family feel maybe shes better of without them. She needs support, wich she is getting form your response here not telling that shes on her own.
Good on you for defending your daughter, I cant imagine my OH would have held his tongue much if someone had said this to our daughter.
Hope shes feeling ok today, and you to.

jellyhead

Why do they think your daughter will have no support? Does your wife work? Maybe they meant that all 4 grandparents will be working and won't be on hand for help or babysitting.

There's no reason for your daughter (and her boyfriend, possibly) to be in a dingy flat. It's difficult to get council housing nowadays, but if they are on a low income they could rent somewhere and claim LHA (local housing allowance) - I assume things work the same way in NI as they do in england?

There's no reason to assume no job. When my parents had me my dad worked full time in his apprenticeship and he had a second job to make ends meet. Nowadays a young parent would be able to claim working tax credits and use a nursery or surestart centre for childcare while they got on with their education/career. My sister is at uni and apparently student finance pay 85% of her childcare costs.

Even if she is a single mum your daughter would not have to give up her training or job.

I have no idea why they think social services would take the baby away - are they assuming that your daughter will be depressed or neglectful? If that's the case then it sounds to me as if you and your wife will do all that you can to help her cope.

They sound very angry and negative - maybe they'll calm down and start discussing in a more intelligent way. Fingers crossed.

taxi36 wrote: »

MORE ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

As an up-date.

When we arrived at the fathers house we were met by our friends - the fathers parents - the teenagers were upstairs still chatting. We called them downstairs and all sat togther informally just discussing the situation. No raised voices,no intimidating,just the good and the bad sides of having a child at 17/18.

Shortly into the conversation the boys mum said "well I was 23 when I had you and it was hard" to which I replied "Parenting can be hard at any age though , not just as a teenager" to which she replied "yeah but they have no support" to which I told my Daughter "you will ALWAYS have the support of me and your mum".

The boys father then said "you will end up in a dingy flat with no money , no job , no hope and SOCIAL SERVICES WILL COME AND TAKE THE BABY AWAY" at which point I told our Daughter "Sweetheart , whilst I am on this planet NO-ONE will ever take your baby away from you if you decide you want to keep it".

We then decided that our Daughter could not arrive at the decision best for her whilst she was around these people with their attitudes so we brought her home with us and we sat talking for ages. She is a good girl , never given us a second of trouble. I just know she will make the right decision.

I intend to keep her close to home until the decision is made though as I would rather she did it without influence from the other family who have made it clear that they want her to have a termination.

If the decision to terminate is reached then I want it to be her own decision and not theirs!

Funny how you can go off people very quickly :rotfl:

vroombroom

Catkins I got pregnant 4 months into my relationship, I was on the pill (I had a reminder on my phone to remind me to take it) and I insisted on him using a condom every time as a) I didnt want to get pregnant and b) I didnt want to catch anything! So not every type of contraception is 100% effective.

Our baby is due today and we are living together happy now, having not long celebrated our one year anniversary x

There are worse things in life than getting pregnant at 16/17 x

euronorris

jellyhead wrote: »

I know we can't afford a 3rd child and my husband doesn't want one anyway, so I have a mirena coil which seems to be the answer - but teenagers don't tend to use such long-term invasive methods, and I think you're supposed to have a baby to open your cervix more, before you can get a coil fitted? So it's not something a typical teenager would be using.

Some people can get one fitted, if they've never been pregnant (to term that is), but it varies from woman to woman. Some women's bodies will still try to reject it.

I had a copper one fitted mid March and so far it's been horrid and very painful at points. If it doesn't improve in the next few weeks I'll have it removed.

Even so, I understand that they can sometimes come out without the woman noticing and then pregnancy can still occur. And there is still a small chance that pregnancy can occur with the coil in.

But, for teenagers, there is still the injection or implant if they are looking for long lasting, non invasive contraception. They can still fail of course. Any contraception can.

jellyhead

You asked for other people's experiences, and so far not many have said that abortion worked out okay for them.

I know lots of people who've had a termination and it's been fine. Obviously it's not a cheerful thing and they had a few tears but most people I know have never doubted that they made the right decision.

I do know one relative who was persuaded to have an abortion as a teenager, and she always felt guilty and felt as if her family forced her into something that wasn't her choice. She talked about it even 15 years later on the date of the abortion, the due date of the baby etc. and she would look at her children and say there was one missing. She was quite unstable, emotionally though.

Another option, but one that probably seems heavy handed to most people, is for you to bring the baby up as your own. This happened to one of my school friends when she was 16. She never became more than a big sister to her daughter, they never lived together. Everyone seems happy enough though. This also happened to a local 12 year old recently, her parents raised the baby as their own.

it probably sounds odd but it's an option I'd consider if my teenager got a girl pregnant. That's easy for me to say though - I haven't gone back to work after having my youngest, so it wouldn't be a total life upheaval for me.

peachyprice

jellyhead wrote: »

You asked for other people's experiences, and so far not many have said that abortion worked out okay for them.

I did, when I was 17. All by myself, I didn't tell a soul.

I was raped by my boyfriend on a Sunday morning while his parents were at church.

TBH I was in complete denial about the pregnancy for the first 2.5 months, then woke up one morning realising I really needed to do something about it. I knew I didn't want a baby, no way no how, so I took myself of to the clinic and arranged the termination.

I think if i had have told my parents they would have expected me to keep the baby. I haven't regretted it for one single day, it was the best thing for me then and the only thing I wished is that I'd had someone to share it with, although I know 100% it was my decison alone and as no-one knows they can never judge me for that.

I then didn't have any children until I was thirty, but I guess someone up there got their own back because I had twins;)