Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

rachbc

jellyhead wrote: »

You asked for other people's experiences, and so far not many have said that abortion worked out okay for them.

Maybe because people feel they would be judged not because it hasn't happened?

I had a termination and my only regret is that I 'got myself' into that situation, not how I chose to resolve it. I was 22, I told the father and he came with me, I told my parents afterwards and they understood.

I now have 2 children - 1 unplanned but in a different situation and one planned. I remain sure I made the right decision for me at the time.

make_me_wise

vroombroom wrote: »

Our baby is due today and we are living together happy now, having not long celebrated our one year anniversary x

Oh how exciting. Just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world with bubs arrival. Hope it all goes well. Cant wait till I am in your shoes.

Hard_up,_not_happy

make_me_wise wrote: »

Out of interest what did the boyfriend have to say. Seems to me that his parents did alot of the talking on his behalf. Did he actually speak for himself at all?

Good point made here. OP what did the boyfriend say, you have only mentioned his parents comments. Did he express any of his feelings about all this?

taxi36

Back with a further update
But , first let me just extend a massive big thank you to every-one on this forum. My pm inbox is full of people offering support and words of widom and please , if you have sent me a pm be sure that both myself and my Wife have read it and appreciated every word written . We have received over 50 pm's in the past 2 days and have not responded to each 1 individually but rest assure that we have read and took on board the advice in each and every one.

Also , to the poster who said they were praying for us and our Daughter (I wont mention you by name in case you would rather remain un-known) this touched our hearts.

Now,I have come home from work to take some time out.Couldnt really concentrate anyways.

Our Daughter is not here atm.Her boyfriend is having a minor op today (not the "snip" unfortunately:D) and she wanted to go to the hospital to be with him. I would never keep her away from him as I dont want to upset her as this would be the last thing she needs.

I cant help but replay some of the things the fathers family said last night.I suppose to be fair they are upset too.

I do kind of resent the fact that they are coming straight out and telling my Daughter that they think she should have the termination. I would rather they told her the "good+bad" and then left her to it to arrive at her own decision.

I have told her to keep in mind that although the boy's family say that they love her "like she was their own Daughter" , at this point in time they do not have my Daughter's best interests at heart, everything the family are saying/doing now is (we feel) said and done with the boys interests at the for-front of their mind.

He is their son though so I do understand their point,I just wish they would keep their strong desire for the pregnancy to be terminated to themselves!

I wouldnt dream of saying "well I think a termination would be best" or "I think continuing the pregnancy would be best" and would rather if they took the same approach.

The father (of the baby) has admitted that he is not ready to be a father and has said that he wants to get a job and some financial security before he settles down.

Our Daughter asked me last night "Dad , how do I decide what to do when one of us wants the baby and one does not".At that precise point in time I looked at my Daughter and knew that in her heart she wants this baby.

I told her that being the mother she would have the final say over every-one else. I assured her that as the baby is in her body there is no-one who can force her to terminate the pregnancy if she does not want to.

She asked "but what if (bf) leaves me because I wont have the termination?" and I replied then he is not the person you or I ever thought he was. If he can turn his back on you when you need him most then your life will be better without him in it."

She seemed to mull this over for a bit and then she asked me "Dad , do you ever wish you had terminated me? Did that thought ever cross you're mind" to which I told her honestly "No , not even for 1 second did we think about terminating you"

I went on to tell her that what was right for me and her Mum is not necessarily right for her and her bf.She agreed.

She looked at me and said "I love you Dad" and I looked at her with tears running down my face as I told her that I loved her too and that nothing she could ever say or do would change that .

I saw fear , uncertainty and confusion in her face and wished I could make it all better for her but again I reminded her that we would be here every step of the way whatever her decision.



Sorry to blab on and on and post such a long post. It helps to get it all out.

Torry_Quine

That is really beautiful and I am in no doubt that whatever happens you will always be there for her.

RAS

Part of what your daughter has to do now if grieve if she is to be able to make her decision; for the loss of the boyfriend that she thought she had because he is not there for her now and for the loss of the life she thought she had for herself; whatever she decides she has had to grow up very fast these last few days.

jennyjelly

Taxi, I empathise.

Last year our 18 year old son announced that his GF was pregnant ("condom malfunction" apparently!). He was devastated as he had planned to travel and knew that was the end of his dreams, we were devastated for all the normal parenty reasons, felt that he had ruined his life etc, but kept a low profile and gave them as much emotional support as possible. His GF really wanted the baby as soon as she found she was pregnant so there was never any question of an abortion. Time passed and DS fell in love with idea of being a dad, proudly bringing home bargains for the baby, planning how to look after his little family, keeping is head down at work and doing as much overtime as possible. DH and I started to relish the thought of being grandparents and looking forward to the big day.

At 20 weeks the scan showed that the baby was badly deformed and would have severe mental and physical disabilities. After much discussion they made the only realistic decision, to terminate the baby. They were both heart-broken, I have never seen my son cry so much. We all did.

Everything they went through made them so much stronger as a couple and after a short while they made a conscious decision to try again, and the result is due in November. They are incredibly happy about it, have both grown up and grown closer, and although they have very little money and nowhere to live we know they will be fine. DH and I and GF's mum are all there for them, they won't need to live in a 'dingy flat' and although they will struggle the babe will have more love than it needs.

I tell this story to illustrate how a baby changes attitudes. DS says he can always do his travelling later with his family, and now the grandparents are over the shock we are all pulling together to make it work.

I'm sure you will support your DD whatever she decides to do, you sound lovely people. It's not the end of her life, and as long as she follows her heart in making the decision she will never need to feel any regret. Try to be patient with the BF's parents as they will probably come round.

I wish you all the luck in the world and please tell your daughter and her BF not to worry, things have a habit of coming out ok in the end.

JJ
x

jellyhead

taxi36 wrote: »

Our Daughter asked me last night "Dad , how do I decide what to do when one of us wants the baby and one does not".At that precise point in time I looked at my Daughter and knew that in her heart she wants this baby.

Sorry to blab on and on and post such a long post. It helps to get it all out.

Oh, your poor girl. When I read that I wanted to give her a hug.

taxi36

I agree that the past few days have been a major "wake up" to my Daughter.Usually the biggest decision she has to make in life is which color nail polish she should use:rotfl:.

I am proud of her.

Can I just say something. I have read over my original post in this thread and boy how things can change in the space of just a few days.

Reading through my post I CAN see how some readers may have deducted that I was angry at my Daughter and that I felt her life was over and the high hopes myself and her Mum had for her were now gone.

Looking back it's clear (to me) that the first post was made when I was deep in shock . At no point in time though did I ever feel disappointed in my Daughter. The situation she has found herself in disappointed me . I was disappointed that at 17yrs old she finds herself with such a life changing decision to make.

I did actually consider going back and doing some editing to my original post but decided against it as there may be others in the future who stumble upon this thread who have found themselves in the same situation and for them to witness my journey and see the difference a few days can make..well if it help just one other reader then it will be worth while.

If you ARE that reader and find yourself in the same situation (although I do not proclaim to be an expert) please take comfort from the thought that feelings change a lot over the initial few days. The way (I bet!) you are feeling now IS NOT how you will be feeling on day2/3.

The sheer panic of "omg what will we do" and the shock of thinking "I cannot believe this is happening" soon subsides and although a long journey still lays ahead in what-ever decision is reached you come to realise that "hey , ok , she is 17 , but one thing is for sure...she's not the first 17 year old to fall pregnant and she sure as hell wont be the last!"

Everything happens for a reason and that's the thought I'm holding onto.

If I am honest (sshhh , this is a secret) I am actually hoping (fingers crossed) that my Daughter decides to keep her baby. I dont 100% agree with terminations although i fully understand that it is as well they exist as every case/family/situation is different. I am actually getting used to the "Grandad" label :rotfl: i have not even shared this with my Wife as yet as we have agreed to leave it a few days to allow the situation to absorb before we discuss it.

This forum has proved an un-measurable help to me this past few days and to be honest , without it I would have been lost.

You are all very special people.

I will of course post back as soon as my Daughter has arrived at her decision.

taxi36

jennyjelly wrote: »

Taxi, I empathise.

Last year our 18 year old son announced that his GF was pregnant ("condom malfunction" apparently!). He was devastated as he had planned to travel and knew that was the end of his dreams, we were devastated for all the normal parenty reasons, felt that he had ruined his life etc, but kept a low profile and gave them as much emotional support as possible. His GF really wanted the baby as soon as she found she was pregnant so there was never any question of an abortion. Time passed and DS fell in love with idea of being a dad, proudly bringing home bargains for the baby, planning how to look after his little family, keeping is head down at work and doing as much overtime as possible. DH and I started to relish the thought of being grandparents and looking forward to the big day.

At 20 weeks the scan showed that the baby was badly deformed and would have severe mental and physical disabilities. After much discussion they made the only realistic decision, to terminate the baby. They were both heart-broken, I have never seen my son cry so much. We all did.

Everything they went through made them so much stronger as a couple and after a short while they made a conscious decision to try again, and the result is due in November. They are incredibly happy about it, have both grown up and grown closer, and although they have very little money and nowhere to live we know they will be fine. DH and I and GF's mum are all there for them, they won't need to live in a 'dingy flat' and although they will struggle the babe will have more love than it needs.

I tell this story to illustrate how a baby changes attitudes. DS says he can always do his travelling later with his family, and now the grandparents are over the shock we are all pulling together to make it work.

I'm sure you will support your DD whatever she decides to do, you sound lovely people. It's not the end of her life, and as long as she follows her heart in making the decision she will never need to feel any regret. Try to be patient with the BF's parents as they will probably come round.

I wish you all the luck in the world and please tell your daughter and her BF not to worry, things have a habit of coming out ok in the end.

JJ
x

A truely heart wrenching post , I am sure this devestated you're poor Son and the entire family.

I am glad they decided to try again and are due to be blessed with another little one.

You too sound like an amazing family . It's just amazing how families can come together when needed.

With every post I read I get a little more positive about our situation.