Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

taxi36

angelil wrote: »

It sounds like you and your daughter are handling things well OP.
It is amazing to me that the two of them, in spite of knowing the consequences of pregnancy, clearly did not think them through enough if a baby is now on the way that neither of them are that ready for and that not both of them necessarily are prepared to keep. I know that contraceptive failures do happen, but having been sleeping with my fianc! for 6 years without even a near miss I do find it difficult to see how.

I cannot remember telling anyone the reason behind the pregnancy...did I tell you why the pregnancy has occurred? There are MANY reasons for failed contraception etc . My highlighted section of you're quote : This is "pot luck" or maybe you are just not as fertile?

I am also surprised that it took so long in this 8-page thread for finance to come up;

who is worried about finances?

while your intentions of supporting your daughter financially and pastorally if she does have this baby are admirable, I am not sure that it gives a great impression if people are allowed to believe that they can do as they wish while others pick up the tab. I would try to encourage her to become financially independent as soon as is possible (whether this is before or after the baby is born, if she keeps it); after all, it is not you or your wife who would be choosing to have this baby but your daughter (and possibly her partner) and if you believe that she is enough of a responsible adult to make this decision then to my mind she ought to be responsible for ALL aspects of that baby's well-being and upbringing, including financial aspects

.

Obviously you need to read my posts again? My Daughter WORKS. What makes you think that we would be expecting any-one else to "pick up the tab"?

What a horrible opiniated person you are!

Pollycat

angelil wrote: »

It sounds like you and your daughter are handling things well OP.
It is amazing to me that the two of them, in spite of knowing the consequences of pregnancy, clearly did not think them through enough if a baby is now on the way that neither of them are that ready for and that not both of them necessarily are prepared to keep. I know that contraceptive failures do happen, but having been sleeping with my fianc! for 6 years without even a near miss I do find it difficult to see how.
I am also surprised that it took so long in this 8-page thread for finance to come up; while your intentions of supporting your daughter financially and pastorally if she does have this baby are admirable, I am not sure that it gives a great impression if people are allowed to believe that they can do as they wish while others pick up the tab. I would try to encourage her to become financially independent as soon as is possible (whether this is before or after the baby is born, if she keeps it); after all, it is not you or your wife who would be choosing to have this baby but your daughter (and possibly her partner) and if you believe that she is enough of a responsible adult to make this decision then to my mind she ought to be responsible for ALL aspects of that baby's well-being and upbringing, including financial aspects.

You are very judgemental, angelil.

You say you've been sleeping with your fiance for 6 years without even a near-miss.

Have you considered that one or the other of you may be infertile?

I hope you get more sympathy on here than you are currently giving the OP if that is the case if/when you are trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant.

I won't comment further on your points about who is paying for this baby.

I agree with taxi36 - you are a horrible opinionated person.

Not only that, you seem incapable of reading a thread and grasping the salient points before posting rubbish.

make_me_wise

angelil wrote: »

I am also surprised that it took so long in this 8-page thread for finance to come up

Why? This thread is all about a dad asking for advice on how to best support his 17 year old daughter, whilst she decides whether to continue with her pregnancy. He also needs emotional support from people whilst he navigates through a stressfull and worrying time.

The financial affairs of this family either now or in the future are none of anyone elses business and have nothing to do with this thread.

It hadn't come up in 8-pages of this thread till you came along, because the rest of us have realised this and shown respect to the OP. Something you seem to know nothing about with your opinionated, tactless approach.

jennyjelly

The more I read in this thread the clearer the division becomes. Some people are really showing a very unpleasant side.

Equally, the more of Taxi's posts I read the clearer it is that this girl is surrounded by loving supportive people and is herself very mature and level-headed. If she decides to have the baby (and I hope and believe she will), it's one very lucky child.

OP, if you really feel that she wants this baby I hope you will be the first to break cover and admit that you do - once she feels she has your permission to be happy about it she will find it much easier to say what she really feels.

I hope you can ignore the people whose comments are aimed (deliberately or not) at upsetting you and concentrate on the positive side of the situation.

make_me_wise

OP something has been bothering me a little. After reading some of the repsonses from people who are from NI and have a far more in depth knowledge of the realities of your situation there, I have wondered something.

Do you and your wife have a good support network of people helping you both? Are there people in the 'real world' that you can turn to for help as well as coming on here. I just feel that you both probably really need that right now. Its very hard to give loads of support to someone as you are with your daughter and not recieve any support yourselves from others closest to you.

I do hope that whatever happens there is help and understanding from those dearest to you, for all of you

Sally_A

I don't normally put my opinion on these forums, but there are so many so quick to judge, or have not read the whole thead.

Well done taxi36, I understand that inside you are panicking, but doing your utmost to exude an outer calm.

Being the parents of the daughter, despite that the whole thing should be 50/50, your daughter will untimately take responsibility, so it will have more of an impact on you than b/f's side.

If I got pregnant at 17, I'd have had the attitude of "just get rid", thankfully I was never in that situation, as I've got older, and appreciated the fulfillment I've had from having a daughter, i would be hard pushed to convey the same attitude.

I think you've treated the situation very well :T:T

meritaten

May I just say that I did read the original post as being angry, upset etc! I also didnt feel that the OP had given his daughter enough time to come to a decision before calling in the other family to 'discuss' this decision.
I have been in the OPs situation and perhaps I am a strange parent, but it didnt come as a shock to me to hear my daughter was pregnant - I knew she was sleeping with BF as I had accompanied her to Family Planning and knew she was on the pill. I did though feel that any decisions were hers and her BFs to make. Me and OH were the back-up team!
I have been delighted to read OPs later posts - I am sorry taxi - I didnt realise how much shock you were in when writing the Original Post.
I sincerely wish you well - and WHATEVER decision your daughter makes will be the RIGHT one! wont it!

LittleMissMPB

taxi36 wrote: »

The range of emotions we are feeling today ranges from anger-shock-disapointment-disbelief-fear-anxiety-confusion.

At this point in time no decision has been made about whether the pregnancy will continue.Ashamed as I am,we have not discussed this with our Daughter as yet as we are still in the angry stage and so out Daughter has retreated to her Boyfriends house.
We plan to get the 2 families together later on tonight to discuss matters,although the end decision will be our Daughter's, we will not make her do any-thing she does not want to do.

Can any-one help me through this? Has your child been a young parent? Were you a young parent yourself? Have you helped your child have a termination? Have you yourself had a termination? Is you're own teenager currently pregnant?
Please. Im pretty cut up atm and would just appreciate some help:(

*raises hand* I'm sorry I haven't read any other replies yet, but I may be able to give you it from her veiw point. I got pregnant at a young age. It was unplanned even though I had been careful. I was terrified of telling my mum, but I knew it had to be done when I started being sick every morning. I think my mum handled it pretty well, I can still remember the conversation.

mum: how did it happen
mw: do I really need to explain?
mum: ok, I'm not angry, just disapointed (cue me feeling terrible), do you know what you want to do?
me: we're still talking about it
mum: whatever you decide i'll support you

(I did keep the baby and now have a beautiful 3yr old, best decision I ever made)

Your daughter needs to know she can come to you. Judging by what she said to you already I'd say your pretty close? She will be scared, confused, overwhelmed even more than you are. She will be worried about everything too... worried about disapointing you... this doesn't mean her life is over if she wants to keep the baby, it just means she might do things a little later, or along side being a mum. Let her know you are there for her, that's what she needs more than anything. Even if she does want to keep the baby, and her boyfriend doesn't, if she doesn't feel like she has any support then she will most likely have a termination because she won't know how to cope.

When my daughter was around 6months old I fell pregnant again (you'd think I'd have switched from the pill after the first time huh). I desperatly wanted to keep the baby, my partner at the time was dead against it. I was living with him away from my parents (with the first pregnancy I was at home with my mum), and he kept threatening to leave and take my daughter if I kept the baby. Looking back now, the relationship was far from healthy. I was still young, and scared, and had the termination. By the time the hopsital got the referral I was 14 weeks and it was honestly the worst experience in my life. I regretted it immediatly and became very depressed, I think it would have been easier had they not let me get so far along, as at this stage the baby was 'formed', and I had to go through 'labour' and push it out, but the feelings behind doing it, when it's not what you want to do, are enough to ruin your life too. For a good year at least it was all I could think about, the guilt, the 'missing' my baby and even the shame behind having done it. It's not something I usually talk about, but if I can put someone off having a termination I will. I am pro-choice, 100%, but only if that person is 100% sure it's what they want to do, and the decision is their's and their's alone... I hope this is making sense? It's not a small decision.

Having my daughter was the best decision I ever made though. She is now a happy and healthy 3yr old, we have our own place, and although I'm no longer with her father, I am with someone else and in a much more healthy relationship. We have just had a baby son (planned this time) and when he is a little older, I am planning on going back into education in some way. I'm not sure how, or what I want to study yet, but I know I want to do something.

Having my daughter didn't make me miss out on anything, if anything it made me grow up and want to set a good example for her. I work (well, when not on mat leave), and my partner works. While my daughter was young and I went back to work, I managed to do an NVQ lvl3 in Customer Services. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it was a qualification for doing something I was doing already so I did it as it was funded by the company.

So I guess in short, what I'm trying to say is, be there for your daughter. Let her know it's not the end of her life, let her know she can go on to do things later on, there is government funding avaliable for childcare while she goes to school or 6th form or college so she won't have to pay for that... there's a lot of help out there if you look for it.

If you want to send me a private message you can. Or you can let your daughter talk to me if she needs someone who has been in the same position to talk things over with, I would only tell her of my experiences, and not what to do or what I think she should do.

You have my best wishes xx

LittleMissMPB

catkins wrote: »

So many posters giving the OP a hard time. If it were my daughter I would be fuming and no way would I want her to have the baby. There is practically no chance she will stay with the baby's father so hardly a good way to start out is it?

I know accidents happen but babies should be planned within a secure and happy relationship. I can't believe how many posters say they also got pregnant so young - have people never heard of contraception?

Yes, babies 'should' be planned within a secure and happy relationship, but it doesn't always work out like that. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was on the pill. I hadn't missed any, I wasn't on anti-biotics, it just failed. She wasn't planned, but she was, and always has been/will be very much wanted. I also like the way you assume she will not stay with the father. It's people with attitudes like that which make young mums feel bad. Makes them feel self consious even walking to the shop with their baby, do you know how much they get stared at? Dirty looks? It takes guts to be a young mum, and you have to have confidence like never before, as even midwives are very quick to judge. I am friends with many young mums (some babies planned, some not) that are still with the fathers, in fact I'm the only one in our circle of friends who isn't.

What's so wrong about being a single mum anyway? Surely it's better to be a single mum than to have a baby an unhappy relationship, at any age? Unplanned pregnancies happen at any age too btw. I was a single mum for a while... I honestly loved it. We had our own routine, we were both happy, yes it was hard work, but I honeslty believe my daughter has had the best possible start in life I could give her. We aren't made of money exactly, but she now goes to a good pre-school, swimming, tumble tots, and my son will do the same when he is old enough (if he wants to). There is nothing my children don't have that they need... I give them a warm home, we have plenty of food in, I or my partner cook a meal most days (some days I am lazy and it is fishfingers and chips, but what mum has *never* done that?), they have plenty of clothes, their shoes fit well, my daughter has excellent manners (doesn't apply to son as he is only 9weeks old) and is actually better behaved than most children her age out in public. I never think twice about taking her out for a meal or something, as I know she will do as she is told and she will always say please and thank you. She doesn't stand on her chair shouting, or run up and down between tables etc. Yes there is times when she plays up, all children do, but she knows how to behave.

I think people should stop judging young mums, and look at each situation individually. There will always be the odd one who gives us a bad name, but the majority are studying, or have jobs, still with the fathers and don't just sit around smoking and watching jeremy kyle while waiting for their dole money, as many people seem to think.

make_me_wise

LittleMissMPB wrote: »

Yes, babies 'should' be planned within a secure and happy relationship, but it doesn't always work out like that.

Very wise words there. Even when babies are planned things dont always work out as you'd hope. A cousin of mine did it by the book; got married, had a career, got financially secure and felt secure in her relationship with her husband. Her baby was planned.

6 months into her pregnancy something turned in her husband and he started to hit her, apparently this is common. Things escalated and she spent the first couple of years of her babys life living a hellish existence till she finally found the courage to leave. She is now a lone parent and getting by, though it is very hard.

So much for best laid plans. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.