Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

taxi36

I made a posting at 8am this morning,it does'nt seem to have been added though.Strange?

Well,last night my Daughter informed me that she had made her decision. She told me that she had decided on a termination. We chatted for a bit and we both told her that we loved her and respected the decision. We told her that we would be there for her to the very end. She looked so young,sad and fearful that I cursed the fact that at 17yrs old she had been made to make such a decision (I know no-one else can be blamed for the situation but I still hate the fact that she is in this position).

She then went off to her Bf's house to tell him off the decision - I knew that both he and his family would be pleased that this decsion had been reached as none of them hide the fact that a termination is the outcome they hope for.

I went to collect her from Bf's house at 10pm and she seemed a lot more cheery than she has this past few days although she didnt say very much on the short journey home. Once we had arrived home she said to me "where's Mum" and I told her that she was in bed watching the telly.

She said "can I have a word with you both?" to which I said "sure,of course" so we went upstairs and Mum turned the tv off and we all jumped into our bed for a chat and a snuggle . Then to my surprise my Daughter became all serious and said "you know what,I dont care what ***** (bf) and his family say..this is MY baby too and I want to keep it". The first words my Wife said was "Ok...can we ask why you have changed you're mind" and our Daughter said "well I know that he does not want the baby but it is growing inside me and I cant just forget that!" My wife said. "You are bound to be confused and you are bound to be afraid but you are 17 , almost 18 and any feelings of fear and doubt will fade with time and you know that me and you're Dad will teach you how to be a good parent because trust me , no-one is born knowing how to raise a child , it is something we learn over time and of course we all make mistakes on the way but if we learn from this mistakes then surely they are a positive thing?"

My Daughter looked at us ever so thoughtful looking and said "you know , you two are pretty amazing and if I can be as good a Mum to my Baby as my Mum has been to me and *** and **** (our other 2 kids) then I will be proud. Cue some tears from the missus

At this point she went off to phone her Bf to tell her that she had changed her mind as planned to keep the baby......

Half an hour later she came back upstairs in floods of tears and told us "I have changed my mind, I have decided that I'm just not ready to have this baby. If it's ok with both of you I'm going to go ahead with the termination."

Now , to me this indicated that her BF had said something to upset her and change her mind and my heart broke in two that anyone could attempt to change her mind again. I'm NOT saying that the father does not have a say in this but for God's sake, cant he see what he is putting her through? I get the feeling that there is a bit of emotional blackmail type behaviour going on here.

She then went off to bed and I could hear her crying . I tapped on the door and asked if she needed or wanted myself or her Mum to come in to sit with her and she said that she wanted some time alone.

She was up and down during he night and then went off to tech this morning.

I have decided that we need some outside help on this matter. i have contacted a councellor who specialises in advising and helping teenage girls who find themselves pregnant and facing the difficult decision of which path to take, according to this lady her aim is to guide the teenager to discuss the situation in depth and then she offers the teen BOTH sides of the coin , telling her the good AND the bad. She also has access to information about what help (financial) will be available to our Daughter if she has the baby. They will also discuss termiantions and how my Daughter will most likely feel before , during and after the termination . The councelling also extends in the weeks/months AFTER the procedure if necessary.

I have told my Daughter that this councellor is available to her tonight if she wants to go and to be honest she jumped at the opportunity.

I just hope we get the right outcome.

Again , please accept my apologies for the length of this update. It helps to get it all out.

Loanranger

The poor soul, my heart goes out to her and to you and your wife.

RAS

What a roller coaster.

Whatever happens, I cannot see this relationship lasting; if she keep the child, he is not going to be happy, if he pushes her into a termination against her will she will not want to see him again, and even if she decides that is what she wants, I cannot see her finding his behaviour to date acceptable.

Lirin

Your daughter sounds extremely emotional- and that's par for the course. She's thinking it through, and finding it so hard to make a decision- she will have reasons for whatever decision she looks at, too many pros and cons.

Outside counselling is a good move- I have just started a counselling course, and there are so many benefits. She will have so many questions/doubts/queries/wondering in her head, and being able to articulate that to someone not involved (not family) may be easier.

I really feel for her at the moment- it's not an easy decision to make at all, and it's fantastic that you and your wife support her so much. It's going to be emotional and hard for the next while, no matter what happens, and the fact that you're all pulling together will help not only her, but you and your wife as well.

vroombroom

poor girl, my heart goes out to her x

marywooyeah

OP I have to say and please tell me if its out of line, but what your daughter is saying now eg termination, keep, termination... strongly suggests that her bf is really trying to push her into it.
It was the same for me, I decided to keep my baby and grew attached and felt all those wonderful pregnancy feelings and my ex just went on and on "we'll end up on benefits, council house, what if you get depressed again you won't be able to look after it, it will hate you, i will hate you if you keep it if you loved me you'd get rid of it, what about your college you wont be able to finish your studies how are you going to take care of a baby..."
he pushed and pushed and blackmailed me emotionally, and said "if you do get rid i will love you again and we can have another baby at some point"

i didnt want to do it, but i felt like i had no choice and was more concerned with pleasing him and told myself that i didnt matter. at my "counselling appointments" i was given a very brief overview of the procedure (i now know the full extent and details of a surgical termination and quite frankly its horrific), i kept saying i dont want to do this i am doing it cos my boyfriend wants me to and at no point was i offered any help (eg a hostel or anything, nor was adoption raised at all) and i screamed out on the table that i didnt want to, next thing i know i woke up with horrible abdominal pains and loads of blood and realised he was gone.
many people have said they had abortions and they dont regret it but i have suffered so much with guilt, regret, mourning and it destroyed my life.
I am concerned that if your daughter so strongly wants to keep this child but is being pressured by her bf and his family then she could end up the same and its no good saying well you can have counselling afterwards cos nothing will ever bring the baby back.
I seriously think you need to charge here and help her to keep the baby even though you have sensibly allowed her to try and reach her own decision up til now, she seems to be in danger of being pushed into an abortion right now.

KiKi

Your poor daughter. It certainly does sound like something was said to her to make her change her mind. The fact that she was comfortable about keeping the baby, then in floods of tears about a termination speaks volumes about what she really wants.

Please remind her that she needs to make the right decision for her and no-one else.

KiKi

jpwhittle

I really think your daughter wants this baby to, Everything that happened in the last few days suggests she wants this baby. Please dont let her be forced into a descicion she will regret. She will do much better on her own with her mum and dad than on her own and the mess of an unwanted abortion. I think this family have really shown their true colours over the last few days and they dont sound ike a family id want to keep contact with when all this is done.
I know i commented on your origanal post but did also say you hadnt gone far wrong that your daughter felt she could tell you about this. I continue to think you are being amazing parents to your daughter, She definatly needs you at the moment. Please please dont let her get rid of this baby when its clear she still wants it. she sounds like such an amazing young lady and deserves the love and preciousness of this baby more than then controllingness of the other family. I know that may sound harsh and even maybe alittle odd but this boy really doesnt deserve your daughter if he can do this to her.

NAR

Firstly may I say what super supportive parents this girl has. The counsellor has to be a positive move as they can be very objective in their conversations with your daughter.
She finds herself in a dreadful situation with her b/f not being supportive/not really considering life with a baby. She knows you are not against the idea of her keeping the baby and so I'm sure she feels in an impossible position. No matter which path she takes there is going to be heartache for her; hopefully the counsellor will help her reach the right decision for her.

I had a similar situation to face 16 months ago, although my DD was 22 at the time. She and her partner are now in their own two bedroom house with my 10 month old grandson. OP I went through the various stages you have - very angry at the situation at the start, acceptance when decision was made to keep baby, preparing for arrival of baby, being on standby if her relationship did not continue. Thankfully her b/f is a hard working young man who just adores his son and my wife and I are very happy grandparents.

fannyanna

Jeez *wiping eyes*

Like someone else said what a rollercoaster - even for us as readers - I think your posts have captured so many of us and a lot of us are really willing you on and wishing for the best (whatever that may be for your daughter).

I think your daughter seeing a counsellor is really the best option.

Although you and your wife are being wonderfully supportive I'm sure your daughter knows deep down that you would both rather she had tha baby (although as you have said before I have no doubt that you will support her whatever her decision).

Couple this with knowing that her boyfriend and his family would rather she had a termination.

She's really stuck between a rock and a hard place bless her.

It really is early days (with regards to her making a decision) and I'm sure she's in so much turmoil at the moment. Hopefully speaking to someone who is independant to this situation will be beneficial to her x