Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

make_me_wise

taxi36 wrote: »

I have decided that we need some outside help on this matter. i have contacted a councellor who specialises in advising and helping teenage girls who find themselves pregnant and facing the difficult decision of which path to take, according to this lady her aim is to guide the teenager to discuss the situation in depth and then she offers the teen BOTH sides of the coin , telling her the good AND the bad. She also has access to information about what help (financial) will be available to our Daughter if she has the baby. They will also discuss termiantions and how my Daughter will most likely feel before , during and after the termination . The councelling also extends in the weeks/months AFTER the procedure if necessary.

I have told my Daughter that this councellor is available to her tonight if she wants to go and to be honest she jumped at the opportunity.

I just hope we get the right outcome.

Your nerves must be shot to pieces taxi36. My goodness what a roller coaster of emotions you are all going through right now. I dont even know your daughter but your description of the way she is changing her mind and the turmoil she must be in breaks my heart.

I think you are doing the right thing by arranging for her to see a councellor. Something she obviously wants by the way she accepted the opportunity. We cant know fo sure what was said when she phoned the boyfriend but I do feel there was probably some emotional blackmail.

Having someone to talk to who isn't directly involved and can give her perspective from all angles will help her greatly. I hope that whatever she decides to do that by taking this step first she will be at ease with her choice.

taxi36

msb5262 wrote: »

I really hope she can find a resolution which will leave her feeling ok but at present, the impression I get is that her boyfriend and his family are pressuring her towards termination.

I've got a horrible suspicion that he is telling her that their relationship won't survive if she has the baby - and unfortunately, it sounds as if her self-esteem won't survive if he pushes her to terminate.

Your daughter is probably feeling utterly torn between her feelings for her boyfriend and her feelings for the baby. It's very sad because she is probably in a position of having to choose one or the other.

I'm afraid that if she chooses the boyfriend and has a termination against her true innermost wishes, she won't be able to move on and the relationship will come to an end.

MsB x

I fully agree with everything You ahve said. It is my thoughts and feelings to a tee!

Apricot

taxi36 wrote: »

This really is a rollercoaster

Just for the record taxi - I think what you and your wife are doing is fab.

My mum was 16 when I was born, she managed to provide my sister and I with a private education through hard work and determination.
My mum is the first to admit that she couldn't have done it without the help of my grandparents & they really played an important role in my life.

I think whatever decision your daughter comes to, you should feel as though you have done all you can to enable her to make her decision in a level headed way.

KiKi

taxi36 wrote: »

1-If she has the baby and he does do a runner there are MANY MANY men (in later years) who are happy and wiling to take on a single mum with a child and if this is her bf's true colors then it is best if she see's them now....

2-Even if he does chose to walk away from his child he still has a responsibility to provide for his child fnancially.

This really is a rollercoaster

Or 3 - she has the baby and BF decides to ignore the pressure from his parents and fall in love with his child once it's born. It's amazing what a real-life baby can do to a potential father who just can't emotionally link himself to something that's not real to him, yet.

Best of luck at the counsellor later.

KiKi

taxi36

make_me_wise wrote: »

We cant know fo sure what was said when she phoned the boyfriend but I do feel there was probably some emotional blackmail.

There is a lot of emotional blackmail from the other family. We had to cancel our family holiday over to Scotland this year (we were due to go in July) as money has been a bit tight lately as I am in my first year as a self-employed cabbie after losing my job through redundancy and all the kids were diappointed..

The bf's mother said to my Daughter "sure you know that if you have the termination we will all chip in together to get you and bf a wee weekend away somewhere to cheer you up , but we will only be able to do this for you if you have the termination because if you are keeping the baby theres no point going away for the weekend as you wont be able to have a wee drink and enjoy yourself!"

If this is not emotional blackmail then I fail to see what the heck it is!

We used to get on "alright" with this family. We have known them since our kids got together 2 years ago and actually classed them as friends (not besties or anything but you know..we could pop in for a coffee and a yarn at any time we wanted and the 2 mums chatted by text/phone regularly) but to be honest , regardless of the outcome of this situation I can't see that this "friendship" will continue. I think tbh I would find it hard to be around a family who have so little consideration for my Daughter and the situation/decision she faces atm.

Does any-one think I should start telling my Daughter that I WANT her to have the baby? Seems the other family are making their feelings on the situation obvious. Are me and my wife doing ourselves "harm" by not voicing our opinion? Should we be taking a different approach do you think?

taxi36

KiKi wrote: »

Or 3 - she has the baby and BF decides to ignore the pressure from his parents and fall in love with his child once it's born. It's amazing what a real-life baby can do to a potential father who just can't emotionally link himself to something that's not real to him, yet.

Best of luck at the counsellor later.

KiKi

To me option 3 sounds like the perfect ending

vroombroom

taxi36 wrote: »

Does any-one think I should start telling my Daughter that I WANT her to have the baby? Seems the other family are making their feelings on the situation obvious. Are me and my wife doing ourselves "harm" by not voicing our opinion? Should we be taking a different approach do you think?

Personally no, I dont think you should tell her you want her to have it. She might feel torn between her family who want her to have it and her boyfriend who doesnt want her to have it.

I think the support you have given her so far has been fantastic. Just continue to tell her you will support her and be there for her whatever decision she comes to, maybe reiterate its her decision and not her boyfriend or his family x

msb5262

taxi36 wrote: »

There is a lot of emotional blackmail from the other family.
Does any-one think I should start telling my Daughter that I WANT her to have the baby? Seems the other family are making their feelings on the situation obvious. Are me and my wife doing ourselves "harm" by not voicing our opinion? Should we be taking a different approach do you think?

Hi again taxi36,

You ask for advice - for what it's worth, I don't think you should just come out with your opinion.

If your daughter asks what you would like to happen, you could say that "of course it's not our decision but we would be delighted if...".

If she doesn't ask, you could always ask if she wants to know your personal feelings on the matter or if she feels happy just knowing that you'll support her whatever decision she makes.

Please don't just tell her what you want, as that will put her in the very difficult position of knowing that whatever she decides will potentially alienate either her own parents or her boyfriend's parents.

As I said upthread, I'd be longing for the decision to be keep the baby but equally, I wouldn't want my daughter to continue with a pregnancy she didn't really want. I'm sure you feel something similar.

Best wishes to you all

MsB

msb5262

jaibaby,

Do you realise that this equates having unprotected sex (approximate duration 20 minutes??) with bringing up a child (approximate duration 16 years)? Was that your intention? It's not really a very good analogy, I'd say.

Babies and children shouldn't be brought into the world as a punishment for unprotected sex or contraceptive failures. They should be here because they are wanted and because they are loved and properly cared for.

Your attitude to your young sister really shocks me. A baby shouldn't be a wake-up call - it should be a source of joy and pride. You sound almost smug that your sister is going to find out how hard it is to bring up a child.

Please think carefully before posting like this on a thread where most people have been sensitive, thoughtful and considerate of the feelings of others.

MsB

taxi36

msb5262 wrote: »

jaibaby,

Do you realise that this equates having unprotected sex (approximate duration 20 minutes??) with bringing up a child (approximate duration 16 years)? Was that your intention? It's not really a very good analogy, I'd say.

Babies and children shouldn't be brought into the world as a punishment for unprotected sex or contraceptive failures. They should be here because they are wanted and because they are loved and properly cared for.

Your attitude to your young sister really shocks me. A baby shouldn't be a wake-up call - it should be a source of joy and pride. You sound almost smug that your sister is going to find out how hard it is to bring up a child.

Please think carefully before posting like this on a thread where most people have been sensitive, thoughtful and considerate of the feelings of others.

MsB

Thanks MsB - you summed up my feelings perfectly.