Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

jennyjelly

Oh Taxi, your poor daughter, and poor you, your last update has just had me sitting at my desk crying.

My son also wished his GF would have a termination, though she was adamant from the beginning that she would not, but once he got used to the idea he was like a dog with 2 tails.

The difference, it seems to me, is parental influence. His parents are behaving very badly trying to control the outcome of this, and he may just be going along with them for a quiet life. It could be that without them around he would also be pleased.

Could the young couple maybe spend a day away from all of you to talk it through with no input from anyone else? They may find that they can come to a joint decision that they are both happy with.

Finally I want to say what a lucky girl your daughter is to have parents like you, you sound fantastic. If only all children had the same love and understanding.

JJ
x

msb5262

Hello OP,

You poor soul - your family is really going through the mill at the moment.

To echo many posters above, you're obviously being brilliant with your daughter.

I really hope she can find a resolution which will leave her feeling ok but at present, the impression I get is that her boyfriend and his family are pressuring her towards termination.

I've got a horrible suspicion that he is telling her that their relationship won't survive if she has the baby - and unfortunately, it sounds as if her self-esteem won't survive if he pushes her to terminate.

The uncomfortable truth is that many relationships in this situation won't survive, whatever decision is made about the pregnancy. Once the point of unplanned pregnancy is reached, it can end a relationship unless both parties are really comfortable with the decision made.

Your daughter is probably feeling utterly torn between her feelings for her boyfriend and her feelings for the baby. It's very sad because she is probably in a position of having to choose one or the other.

Please forgive me for stating this so baldly but it seems like a real possibility:

I'm afraid that if she chooses the boyfriend and has a termination against her true innermost wishes, she won't be able to move on and the relationship will come to an end.


I know in your place I would be privately wishing desperately for the pregnancy to continue, but of course that isn't something you can communicate to your daughter. I am strongly pro-choice but personally I would find it extremely difficult to choose a termination, and I've got to say that it sounds as if your daughter, in her heart of hearts, feels the same way. If she has a termination, she may find it very hard to move on.

Very best wishes to all of you and I hope your daughter can find her way.
With a supportive family, anything is possible.

MsB x

Padstow

I sincerely hope the counsellor is completely unbiased and has no link to an abortion clinic, for obvious reasons.

clearingout

gosh, have just read this through and am so upset for you all. What a mess for the poor girl. I do hope that she's able to find the right solution for her. Hopefully an outside influence from the counsellor will give her the space she needs to make her decision.

I just wanted to share my situation with you - not entirely relevant but maybe some food for thought for yourselves and your daughter. I have found myself a struggling single mother of 3 small children at 40 after my husband had an affair and walked out. It's not been easy, he's not much better than a daft 17 year old, won't face up to his responsibilities and doesn't pay maintenance (he's a highly qualified professional who frankly, knows better!). In my late teens/early 20s, I got a 'good' education, went to university, travelled the world, lived and worked abroad, got a Masters degree, and was generally very independent. Then I met my husband, waited a while to have children and here I am! I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no 'wrong' or 'right' way of having children - I did everything 'right' but it hasn't changed the 'struggling single mother' outcome! I am envious of friends who are also divorcing but who have grown up children - they're able to get on with life in a way that I can't so whilst they were envying me in my 20s travelling and they were having their children...we've just swapped our lives around really!

I think there are only a few things you need to make clear to your daughter: that you love her no matter what, that you'll support her no matter what and that whatever her decision, she has to make sure it's the right one for her. There'll be 'highs' and 'los' no matter what her choice so it just needs to sit right with her. Hope it all works out. x

bettyB_2

your poor daughter. either way (pregancy or termination) she has a huge physically and mentally challengeing time ahead of her. She has to make this decision on her own, as ultimately, her body and mind will be the ones going through either experience.

I agree with these posters, and was thinking the same myself:

RAS wrote: »

What a roller coaster.

Whatever happens, I cannot see this relationship lasting; if she keep the child, he is not going to be happy, if he pushes her into a termination against her will she will not want to see him again, and even if she decides that is what she wants, I cannot see her finding his behaviour to date acceptable.

msb5262 wrote: »

I've got a horrible suspicion that he is telling her that their relationship won't survive if she has the baby - and unfortunately, it sounds as if her self-esteem won't survive if he pushes her to terminate.

The uncomfortable truth is that many relationships in this situation won't survive, whatever decision is made about the pregnancy. Once the point of unplanned pregnancy is reached, it can end a relationship unless both parties are really comfortable with the decision made.

Your daughter is probably feeling utterly torn between her feelings for her boyfriend and her feelings for the baby. It's very sad because she is probably in a position of having to choose one or the other.

It seems very clear from what you have written that the bf is not happy with her keeping it - but it makes no sense for her to have a termination against her will, or contrary to her true feelings, just to keep him happy.

even if she did terminate the pregnancy, there is no guarantee that they will stay together - so it's not a very reliable thing to base this decision on, which is a shame and very difficult to convey, as it's obviously at the forefront of her mind right now.

I think seeing an independent counsellor is a good idea - especially one that will explain the termination process to her. a lot of people think it is the easy way out, but it is not, as we have read from previous posts, it can be very traumatic. I am extremely pro-choice but I dont think she, or anyone, should consider termination based on anyone's opinion but their own.

And perhaps remind her of how happy she was when she talked about keeping it, and how sad she was when she thought about terminating after having spoken to the bf. to me, this shows that she has made her decision already, but is battling it mentally and with the bf. I'm not saying you should tell her this to talk her out of / into anything, but just that it's worth reminding her to follow, and trust, her gut feelings.

taxi36

RAS wrote: »

What a roller coaster.

Whatever happens, I cannot see this relationship lasting; if she keep the child, he is not going to be happy, if he pushes her into a termination against her will she will not want to see him again, and even if she decides that is what she wants, I cannot see her finding his behaviour to date acceptable.

This is my thoughts exactly.I feel (infact I KNOW) that bf and his family are putting pressure on my Daughter to have the termination. Bf is constantly saying that he does not feel ready to be a Dad and his family , well , they have just come right out and told my Daughter that "her life is over as soon as she gives birth".

See , we just dont see it like that.A child (well , ours did anyway) enriches you're life,they dont END it!

The bf's family are using obvious emotional blackmail and I have to admit that my Daughter is (god I just dont know the right word to use here) too Nieve (sp?) to see it fully. She is a clever Girl but is also the type who thinks that every-one has HER best interests at heart when to some-one more worldly wise this is not the case at all!

Myself and her Mum can see what they are doing but for every "bad" point they raise about being a young parent we just make sure that we tell her the GOOD alternative For eg the bf's family said to my Daughter "surely you would be best to have the termination because sure you want to go on that weekend to Blackpool with you're friend for her Sister's Hen night NEXT April and you cant do that with a wee baby" to which we counter balance this with "but ***** (Daughters name) we know how much you are looking forward to getting away with you're mates for the weekend and so IF you do arrive at the decision to keep you're baby we wouldnt expect you to miss out on the holiday,we would simply keep you're baby at home with us for the weekend allowing you to attend the trip."

Some may see this as us trying to sway her decision but I can assure you that we are not.What we ARE trying to do is make her realise that we will help her as much as we can (just like our parents did for us when we had her)

The bf's family tell her that she will "never have a penny to her name if she has the baby" to which we tell her that she will have the earnings from her part time job and her entitlement to tax credits which is actually a reasonable amount to raise a baby with .

I just want her to understand that for every negative there is a postive...

Tbh I can see this relationship fizzling out in the weeks/months to come. The two scenario's are that my Daughter HAS the termination and holds it against the bf for effectivly forcing her into it OR she keeps the baby and he clears off as he has already made it clear that fatherhood is not on his list of priorities!

I HAVE however told my Daughter 2 things:

1-If she has the baby and he does do a runner there are MANY MANY men (in later years) who are happy and wiling to take on a single mum with a child and if this is her bf's true colors then it is best if she see's them now....

2-Even if he does chose to walk away from his child he still has a responsibility to provide for his child fnancially.

This really is a rollercoaster

jackieglasgow

xstitchfru wrote: »

I have a wonderful 14yr old son because a youg girl became pregnant at 14, gave birth at 15 and chose, through the help of on adoption agency, us as his family. abortion is not the only answer if someone cannot look after thier child.

Just wanted to highlight this again, it may not be relevant for taxi's family, but if anyone else who is in a similar situation read this, I hope they see this comment too.


Taxi I wish your daughter all the best with her decision and her life, whatever path she chooses.

jellyhead

What a sad situation Although I think taxi and his wife are doing a fabulous job of parenting and I feel very sorry for their daughter I do also feel a tiny boy sorry for the boyfriend too. Only a tiny bit, because deep down I am anti-abortion for myself, and if my child got somebody pregnant I'd want the pregnancy to continue.

But there's nothing 'wrong' with what he wants, it's no different to teenage girls choosing abortion.

The tricky bit is that if she keeps the baby he may not want a relationship with her, but will still have to financially support the child and he or she may come knocking one day wanting to meet him. Girls can choose to end pregnancies but boys don't have that right.

My heart goes out to taxi's daughter though

I've had 'the conversation' with my 14 year old today, even though he is unlikely to need it soon. The fall-out is just so difficult for everyone when contraception fails. I've told him about the MAP and how important it is to get it if you think a condom has split, or you may be too drunk to remember if you used one or not (hopefully not, at his age!).

This is a great thread, and taxi I think you're an amazing dad.

jackieglasgow

And now I've just read your last post taxi, I just want to say what a shower of sh1ts they sound. They should not be trying to influence her either way. Maybe to that effect she would be better off not having the baby so that she can exclude them from her life. Awful people, they should be doing as you are, and offering her a balanced view. Very sad.

taxi36

Padstow wrote: »

I sincerely hope the counsellor is completely unbiased and has no link to an abortion clinic, for obvious reasons.

We are in Northern Ireland so dont have abortion clinics over here and so the councellor is totally unbiased.

This lady she is going to see runs a teenage pregnancy support group and talks to the teen mums about ALL aspects of coping with the shock of an un-planned pregnancy.

She offers advice all the good points of being a teen mum but also advises on the more "negative" sides.

She is neither for or against terminations.

If the teen decides that she would like to continue with the pregnancy she helps them claim any grants or entitlements that they may be entitled to. She helps them decide what hospital they would like to attend for care during their pregnancy .She discusses the various methods of pain relief , she helps them learn about claiming benefits (tax credits/family allowance) after the birth , contraception after the birth etc. Its an on-going thing.

However , if the teen mum decides that she really does want or need a termination this lady offers support and councelling at all stages of the process. She makes sure that the teen understands what is going to take place etc. There is a high level of after care available to the teen if they need it afterwards too. She cannot however help or assist in the chossing of a clinic at which the termination will take place as this is not allowed by law. She can tell the teen about the various different methods used.

Im so glad my Wife confided in a very close friend and was informed about this lady. She sounds invaluable and this service is totally FREE (You can chose to make a donation to keep the service running which we fully intend to do!)

I am hopeful about the meeting. Parents are more than welcome to attend with their teen but at this point I am un-sure as to whether my Daughter wants her mum (or even me and her mum) to attend with her. The choice as usual will be down to my Daughter to make.

I will of course post back later after the session to let you all know how it goes. And again , I hope you all know how much I appreciate the opportunity to voice all of this on this forum.