Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

peachyprice

This thread has made me think alot about my own sons. They've just turned 16 and neither of them have girlfriends yet but one piece of advice I am going to give them in the very near future is, when they do eventually get girlfriends, to have a conversation BEFORE they embark on a sexual relationship as to what they and their girlfriends would want in the event of an unplanned pregnancy and really ram home to them just how easy it is for sex to lead to pregnancy no matter how careful they are.

ailuro2

OP, I'm glad now everyone's slept on it there isn't the same element of shock.

I also think you should tell your wife and your daughter that you're getting used to the grandpa label, someone needs to spit it out as you and DD would both appear to want her to have the baby, whether it ends up having a father or a Dad ( there's a world of difference between those two words, isn't there?)

I think you're at the elephant in the room stage - it's just waiting for someone to mention that you all want to keep the baby, now the shock has died down maybe you coudl drop a big hint! Maybe ask the wife if she's any wool lying around, and does she feel like knitting anything with it?;)

I know you don't want to infkuence her either way, but if she's too scared to admit she wants to keep it and is being badgered by "his side" to terminate, maybe that extra level of support will give her the courage to turn round and tell you she's keeping it whether they like it or not.

Best Wishes to you all, definitely good to see you updating and letting us all know how you all are.:)

heretolearn_2

peachy - start talking now. Tonight. Don't wait until you think they have a girlfriend and then wait until you think they are about to start having sex with them. 1) they may well all ready be having sex without your knowing 2) they may go to a party and end up having sex casually as not everyone waits for a girlfriend 3) if they do wait for a girlfriend how will you judge when to do the talk.

I was drumming it into my boy since he was about 12. Would you believe one kid in his class had fathered three children by the age of 16? (and he was the runtiest/littleboylooking one there, I was so amazed when I found out, he didn't even look like he'd gone through puberty yet). It only takes one time and one mistake...to believe a girl who says she is on the pill/to be too embarrassed to buy/use a condom/ to have a girl who is telling the truth about being on the pill but who has also taken antibiotics/to put a condom on incorrectly and 'lose' it/to just get carried away.

I was extra careful as we are a very fertile family with quite a few little accidents over the years so he grew up with all sorts of dire warnings on how easy it can be to get pregnant!

Don't just do the talk - give them a bunch of condoms, tell them to go and practise in private, and then buy them some more to replace those ones.

peachyprice

heretolearn wrote: »

peachy - start talking now. Tonight. Don't wait until you think they have a girlfriend and then wait until you think they are about to start having sex with them. 1) they may well all ready be having sex without your knowing 2) they may go to a party and end up having sex casually as not everyone waits for a girlfriend 3) if they do wait for a girlfriend how will you judge when to do the talk.

I was drumming it into my boy since he was about 12. Would you believe one kid in his class had fathered three children by the age of 16? (and he was the runtiest/littleboylooking one there, I was so amazed when I found out, he didn't even look like he'd gone through puberty yet). It only takes one time and one mistake...to believe a girl who says she is on the pill/to be too embarrassed to buy/use a condom/ to have a girl who is telling the truth about being on the pill but who has also taken antibiotics/to put a condom on incorrectly and 'lose' it/to just get carried away.

I was extra careful as we are a very fertile family with quite a few little accidents over the years so he grew up with all sorts of dire warnings on how easy it can be to get pregnant!

Don't just do the talk - give them a bunch of condoms, tell them to go and practise in private, and then buy them some more to replace those ones.

I've done all that, it's the bit about talking about unplanned pregancy before they get their jollies I haven't done.

They've had a tin with an assortment of condoms in their room since last summer that I check from time to time, I haven't had to re-stock it yet (must remember to check the use by dates;))

Heamol

ailuro2 wrote: »

I also think you should tell your wife and your daughter that you're getting used to the grandpa label, someone needs to spit it out as you and DD would both appear to want her to have the baby, whether it ends up having a father or a Dad ( there's a world of difference between those two words, isn't there?)

I think you're at the elephant in the room stage - it's just waiting for someone to mention that you all want to keep the baby, now the shock has died down maybe you coudl drop a big hint! Maybe ask the wife if she's any wool lying around, and does she feel like knitting anything with it?;)

I agree, if I was in your daughter's sitation, OP, I would be so happy if I knew that my parents were thinking what I was thinking, and that it would be OK to want the baby and not to listen to the father's family!

Your love for your daughter comes through in every post you make, why not tell her how you feel, the other side certainly have not been reticent in making their views clear and now she needs her dad to tell her his views. It may be a massive relief to your daughter to hear that you in fact would love her to keep the baby. I know you do not want to influence her, but as you said (and she said to you) you already know that in her heart she wants the baby to be born.

After hearing the very negative viewpoints of the father's family and their claim that she would be "unsupported" and have "Social Services" taking the child away (as if!) maybe it is time for her to hear the positive and perhaps very welcome "secret" that you have shared with us here on the forum.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

postingalwaysposting

taxi36 wrote: »

She seemed to mull this over for a bit and then she asked me "Dad , do you ever wish you had terminated me? Did that thought ever cross you're mind" to which I told her honestly "No , not even for 1 second did we think about terminating you"

Hi taxi, I have been reading since your first post and one thing that has shone through your posts is that you have a secure, happy and mature young lady as a daughter. With your support I am sure she will make a fantastic Mum. I hope she comes to a decision without being made to feel she 'must' do something to please one family or the other.

One thing I will say is she will still have plenty of oppertunitys to still be successful in whatever she wishes to do with her life. Certainly with supportive parents like yourself. At school many of my peers maanged to get pregnant some have gone on to get degrees, start thier on business and one is in the army. It can be done

Take care, I shall be lurking for updates :cool:

angelil

It sounds like you and your daughter are handling things well OP.
It is amazing to me that the two of them, in spite of knowing the consequences of pregnancy, clearly did not think them through enough if a baby is now on the way that neither of them are that ready for and that not both of them necessarily are prepared to keep. I know that contraceptive failures do happen, but having been sleeping with my fianc! for 6 years without even a near miss I do find it difficult to see how.
I am also surprised that it took so long in this 8-page thread for finance to come up; while your intentions of supporting your daughter financially and pastorally if she does have this baby are admirable, I am not sure that it gives a great impression if people are allowed to believe that they can do as they wish while others pick up the tab. I would try to encourage her to become financially independent as soon as is possible (whether this is before or after the baby is born, if she keeps it); after all, it is not you or your wife who would be choosing to have this baby but your daughter (and possibly her partner) and if you believe that she is enough of a responsible adult to make this decision then to my mind she ought to be responsible for ALL aspects of that baby's well-being and upbringing, including financial aspects.

ailuro2

I hope if my daughter ever came to us with the same news we'd be able to support her and the baby while she continued to study, if that's what she wanted - even though it was on a part time basis - we're building up some money for Uni/college/rainy day/flat deposits for when our DD is older, yes I know we're lucky to be able to do that, and hopefully we won't need to use the money for anything else before she's of age to need it. Neither of us had much support from our parents when it came to further education, so we'll be 100% behind DD if that's the route she takes.

Errata

This was posted on another thread a couple of days ago (apols - I can't reference it right now). It makes dire reading -

Recent trend data suggests that 48% of all children born today will experience the break up of their parents' relationship. This matters because our polling shows that a child not growing up in a two-parent family is 75% more likely to fail at school, 70% more likely to be a drug addict, 50% more likely to have an alcohol problem, 40% more likely to have serious debt and 35% more likely to experience worklessness.

Plans_all_plans

Errata, whilst I am an advocate of the two parent family and totally agree that relationship breakdown can cause the terrible problems you quote...I really do feel that what matters most is the love, support and attitude of the remaining parent.

It is true that most of the people I met at uni did not come from 'broken homes' but there was a relatively good sized minority who did and who went on to get a uni education, without becoming a depressing statistic.

In addition, the love, support and encouragement of extended family will no doubt help any child born into a one parent family fulfil their potential.