Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

belfastgirl23

Sorry to hear that her BFs parents are being so negative, although you probably understand some of the emotions yourself taxi but at least you had the sense to put a filter between brain and mouth. I think this kind of thing can present different types of challenges for the parents of the boy involved and the parents of the girl involved - the girl's parents sort of have no choice but to deal with it, whereas the parents of the boy feel more distanced from the baby.

Please encourage your daughter to have a bit of perspective about how they're being. If she does choose to go ahead with the pregnancy these people will potentially be in her life forever and although they have behaved in a shameful way, they're only human and are suffering too. I'm not saying stand up for them but encourage her to think about how they might be feeling and to understand it - they probably need the same space and time that she needs. And whilst you might have a very strong urge to defend your daughter (only natural!) again you don't know how things will work out and it's important to be the bigger person here.

I'd also urge you to have faith. Things happen for a reason and in time they do work out as many of the inspirational stories here will tell you. Things are dark now but they will get better!

As a PS I don't think it's 1950s in N Ireland, probably 1980s and on the termination issue, the big problem will be explaining why she's disappeared for several days in the run up to exams - in case she does go this route this is something she needs to think about..

Sid_Wolf

I have no advice, but i'd just like to say that you and yourwife sound like wonderful parents, and if i were your daughter I would be proud to call you my dad.

I've seen both extremes, one cousin, pregnant and 15, dropped out of school, now lives off benifits and her drug money. But her mums not a great influence and she was in trouble before she got pregnant, so i dont know how much of an effect the baby had

other cousin, pregnant at 17?? i think, finished her A levels, passed her driving test & bought a car, now in final year of Uni and is expected to get top marks.

Best of luck to you and your daughter, keep us posted

Nicki

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

As a PS I don't think it's 1950s in N Ireland, probably 1980s and on the termination issue, the big problem will be explaining why she's disappeared for several days in the run up to exams - in case she does go this route this is something she needs to think about..

I have been away for nearly 30 years now, so that would probably sound right :rotfl:

I quite liked the 80's as a decade though, so you may be tempting me back

Sorry things didn't go fantastically well tonight OP. The "too young to be a granny" comment though crass in the circumstances is a fairly common reaction to announcement of a first pregnancy though. My MIL said it, and meant it, when I announced our first pregnancy at the grand old age of 30 (me and OH, not her!) and I've seen it said on some of the pregnancy threads on here too. They may yet come round.

jinky67

Re the not ready to be a Granny comment, my Mum said that to me as well. She also said there was no baby living under her roof. I really didnt appreciate that at all. So I bought a house with the baby's Dad
Strangely she adored my DS the minute he was born. Still grates on me that she said that, even after 18 years

JC9297

I think the OPs feelings are totally understandable, some people have been harsh saying he shouldn't feel anger or disappointed, and I understand where the boyfriend's parents are coming from, although they should have handled it better.

If my teenage son came home and told us his girlfriend was pregnant I'd be gutted. I want him to be able to have a gap year, go to university, build up a career, travel the world - whatever he wants without having responsibilities for anyone else for a few years.

I know there are lots of people saying they got pregnant young, had the baby, still got a degree etc, and whilst they don't regret having the child it is not what they aspire to for that child. Of course people have to adapt and change plans in life but very few parents would react with elation at the news, mainly because parents know the hard work involved.

A lot of people have said to the OP the parents should not be involved in the decision, but then expect them to offer lots of support so that the daughter can carry on studying/working (which the OP has said they are happy to do).

But in all honesty that is not what most people would want their role as grandparents to be. When older people have children they make decisions regarding staying at home/returning to work and childcare and it usually doesn't depend on the grandparents. As the OP and his wife are still young they may have younger children and probably jobs, so already have their hands full, maybe even looking forward to a bit more time to themselves as their children are older.

Also many people talk about women regretting having terminations. Obviously nobody is happy about having a termination but many women have them when they are young and go on to live happy lives, including a family when they want, and do not spend their lives in turmoil over it. The difference is these women don't tend to go around saying this, whereas women who do feel guilty tend to want to warn others that they will regret it too.

Sorry turned into a long post, but there are no right or wrong answers just different viewpoints.

taxi36

MORE ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

As an up-date.

When we arrived at the fathers house we were met by our friends - the fathers parents - the teenagers were upstairs still chatting. We called them downstairs and all sat togther informally just discussing the situation. No raised voices,no intimidating,just the good and the bad sides of having a child at 17/18.

Shortly into the conversation the boys mum said "well I was 23 when I had you and it was hard" to which I replied "Parenting can be hard at any age though , not just as a teenager" to which she replied "yeah but they have no support" to which I told my Daughter "you will ALWAYS have the support of me and your mum".

The boys father then said "you will end up in a dingy flat with no money , no job , no hope and SOCIAL SERVICES WILL COME AND TAKE THE BABY AWAY" at which point I told our Daughter "Sweetheart , whilst I am on this planet NO-ONE will ever take your baby away from you if you decide you want to keep it".

We then decided that our Daughter could not arrive at the decision best for her whilst she was around these people with their attitudes so we brought her home with us and we sat talking for ages. She is a good girl , never given us a second of trouble. I just know she will make the right decision.

I intend to keep her close to home until the decision is made though as I would rather she did it without influence from the other family who have made it clear that they want her to have a termination.

If the decision to terminate is reached then I want it to be her own decision and not theirs!

Funny how you can go off people very quickly :rotfl:

seafarers_wife

Ive not read all the replies but this is my side of being the daughter that was pregnant ok i wasnt a teenager but i was 22.

I was so scared to tell my parents i was pregnant, when i phoned my mum up i was crying and apologising for being pregnant. she called me a silly girl and it was left at that, she then discussed it with my dad and they were making plans to organise my life without discussing it with me or OH. they wanted me to do what was right for me, but if i kept the baby they were all for me moving back home, giving up my job and them supporitng me and said child.

that annoyed me as i was an adult, i was working, OH was starting out in a good career so we could support ourselves and a baby. im not as close to them as i used to be because of that and also they were adament that OH's parents not be told till we had decided what we were doing. i didnt want his parents told as i hadnt met them yet but it wasnt for them to dictate.

We decided not to keep the child and have a termination but that was the right decision for us at that point in our lives and isnt the right decision for everyone, it was horrible and there is no getting round that especially as i was 12 weeks when i went through it so was right on the cusp of having the decision made for me, but that was only because i hadnt found out i was pregnant till i was 10 weeks gone.

support your daughter in whatever decision she makes, dont show any emotion as anger, disapointment etc as it will feel like you are juding her and she will resent you for it at some point in her life. please dont go ahead with the family meeting either that isnt what she needs right now, she just needs to know that you both love her and will support their decision whatever they decide. have them both round for dinner and discuss it like adults but if you get his parents round it will feel like you are ganging up on them and they wont like it.

January20

I actually think it's good that you met the other parents last night. No, you didn't get the result you wanted and you probably have lost the friendship but you have actually found out what they think and how they would influence your daughter and her bf in doing what they -the parents - think is best. Of course, it could also be that they are just very shocked too, who knows!

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is away from these people and I hope that she comes to a decision that is the right decision for her.

Sezzler

i think the OP's family are supportive, and I wish them all the luck no matter what decision their daughter makes.

From having a friend who also had her baby when she was 17 I can saw that it was also a massive change to her parents lifestyle. Obviously they supported her fully which meant financially as well as looking after the baby, it was almost like they were new parents again as well. They had to change their lifestyle considerably to help look after the little un.

Although my friend had a part time job, she was also studying so there was no way she could have afforded everything without her parents help.

Her boyfriends parents were not so supportive, they were much more of the opinion that they would baby sit every now and again but it was her child not theirs so why should they change their lifestyle, holidays etc.

Op sounds very supportive

euronorris

taxi36 wrote: »

Lots of excellent posts made since I last posted. Thank you to you all especially Nicki at post number 79.

To the poster - sorry I cannot recall who has said what - who said that I should not be calling the baby the "little one" , Just to clarify on that matter, I called the baby "it" (not in a bad way , I just said something like "only you can decide if you want to keep it" and my Daughter quickly said "it's not an "it" it's a baby".

Just got back from the fathers house. It didnt go too well. My Daughter hasnt yet made up her mind (we wont hurry her at all) but the fathers family dont want the pregnancy to continue. His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.

The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Needless to say I informed them that if he did walk away then the loss would be all his!

I will post back when a decision has been reached . And thanks to everyone again for all the kind posts and pm's

I'm so sorry to hear that his parents are being less understanding and supportive.

All the more reason for you to be as supportive as possible to your daughter and her bf (IF he wants your support).

That must've been so, so, so hard for your daughter. Is there any way you can take a week off and get away for a bit? Just to give your daughter some space to clear her head, so that she can really think about this without people like them trying to enforce their wishes on her? I realise money is tight for all of us, so perhaps a trip to a very trusted family member or friend?