Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

Errata

The boys father then said "you will end up in a dingy flat with no money , no job , no hope and SOCIAL SERVICES WILL COME AND TAKE THE BABY AWAY"

That's pretty toxic under the circumstances. Sometimes in difficult situations people nail their colours to the mast, as you have done and plainly as the father's parents have done.
In your shoes I would want a daughter to make her own decision about the future, but I would make very, very sure she understood all the implications of the choice she has to make by talking to people/organtisations who will give unemotional information and support.
There are many, many girls who become pregnant at a very early age; many have posted about their situtation on this thread. Many, many girls who become pregnant at a very early age have an abortion. You won't find them writing about their experience on a public forum such as this; they go on to have happy, sucessful and fulfilled lives, just like the ones who don't have a termination do.

Kimberley82

Your poor daughter, I really hope she can come to a decision that is right for her. What id the boyfriend saying?

I know you dont want her with his parents but make sure you dont cut her off from him, my parents cut me off from my bf until I made a decision, but I needed him to talk to as he was in it with me.

Nara

Hi,

I have read through the posts and wanted to offer my experience. Everyone who has posted about having children young seemed to have gone on to have those children and not regretted it :-) and the others who had a termination seem to be saying it was a bad decision, so thought i would offer my opinion and hope I don't get shot down in flames.!

I got pregnant at 19 by accident, we were useing contraception but it failed. I found out very quickly and only told my mum as I knew my dad would go mad. My mum was very supportive like you seem to be and told me it was my decision and my boyfriend's. At the time my boyfriend and I had decided to split up anyway with me finding out I was pregnant about a week or so after that so not the best timing.

I knew fairly quickly that I didn't want to have a baby, I felt too young to cope as a single parent even if my boyfriend had supported me, we didn't want to be together anymore and getting back together just because I was having a baby would never have worked out. My boyfriend didn't want to have a baby either.

I went on to have a termination when i was about 6-8 weeks pregnant and never regretted it, my life as it is now would not have been the same had i gone ahead with the pregnancy and I only know that now by looking back. I'm sure if I had gone ahead and had the baby that I would have managed but I feel I made the right decision for me and so I don't regret it. I understand how being in NI its going to make things harder if your daughter decides on a termination, I found the whole process over here straight forward and I wasn't judged by anyone.

Fast forward 7 years and I had my daughter with my long term partner after doing the things i wanted to do before children, like getting a good job/buying a house/being secure money wise. She is now 5 years old and the light of my life, BUT having now experienced having a baby and looking after her it only reinforces the fact that I feel I wouldn't have coped at a younger age, I'm sure others do but I wouldn't have...I found it difficult enough at 26 as my daughter was very ill for the first 18 months of her life, in and out of hospitals, feeding problems, sleeping problems, screaming 24/7, I barely coped at 26 years dealing with this, if I had been 19 I think i would have cracked up!

Anyway sorry for babbling on, I just wanted to say that termination is not always doom and gloom in feeling regret for the rest of your life.
I think the important thing to remember is that YOU get to make the decision and feel you are making the right one.

I think the way you speak about how you are letting your daughter make her own decisions and you support her fully is what the world's best parents would do and I admire you for it! Whatever decision she makes should be the right one for her or she will end up regretting it.

make_me_wise

taxi36 wrote: »

Just got back from the fathers house. It didnt go too well. My Daughter hasnt yet made up her mind (we wont hurry her at all) but the fathers family dont want the pregnancy to continue. His mother doesnt feel ready to be a granny and the father says it's a bloody disgrace.

The mother as much as said that her son isnt ready to be a father and that if my Daughter has the baby,the chances are her son will not stick around!

Needless to say I informed them that if he did walk away then the loss would be all his!

I am very glad that your daughter is now back home with you and her mum. She must be feeling very scared and worried at the moment. Out of interest what did the boyfriend have to say. Seems to me that his parents did alot of the talking on his behalf. Did he actually speak for himself at all?

I am aware that views on teen pregnancy and abortion in NI vary hugely with the UK. Even so I must admit to still being shocked by what I have quoted from your post.

You did really well to stand up for your daughter and advise the bf and his family that if he walked away it would be his loss. That must have taken alot of guts.

You have had a huge mix of reactions on this thread, which is to be expected on an internet forum. Please come back on here and vent as much as you need though, if you feel it will help

jellyhead

jinky67 wrote: »

Re the not ready to be a Granny comment, my Mum said that to me as well. She also said there was no baby living under her roof. I really didnt appreciate that at all. So I bought a house with the baby's Dad
Strangely she adored my DS the minute he was born. Still grates on me that she said that, even after 18 years

I can imagine Deep down I still haven't forgiven anyone who said my miscarriage 5 years ago was a 'blessing in disguise' :mad:

I think the reason my mother didn't say anything like that to me when I told her I was pregnant was because she'd been through it herself when she had me (they were only 16 and 17 when I was born). Mum had passed the exam to work at woolworths, which in those days was a big success for people in her circumstances, and Dad got an apprenticeship in engineering which would be very low-paid for a few years at least.

So, mum probably told herself that if any of her children got pregnant she would put something between brain and mouth, as somebody said earlier that taxi had managed.

I was over 18 and had left home, but I was still at uni and the father had already gone, so the circumstances weren't ideal.

rachel6188

I really hope your daughter comes to the decision best for her. You sound like fantastic parents and you just want the best for her. You have done the right thing bringing her home. Best wishes with it all x

Mojisola

taxi36 wrote: »

The boys father then said "you will end up in a dingy flat with no money , no job , no hope and SOCIAL SERVICES WILL COME AND TAKE THE BABY AWAY" at which point I told our Daughter "Sweetheart , whilst I am on this planet NO-ONE will ever take your baby away from you if you decide you want to keep it".

We then decided that our Daughter could not arrive at the decision best for her whilst she was around these people with their attitudes so we brought her home with us and we sat talking for ages. She is a good girl , never given us a second of trouble. I just know she will make the right decision.

I intend to keep her close to home until the decision is made though as I would rather she did it without influence from the other family who have made it clear that they want her to have a termination.

If the decision to terminate is reached then I want it to be her own decision and not theirs!

I'll bet your daughter is glad she's your daughter and not theirs! I think you're handling the whole situation as well as anyone could.

I couldn't condone the things the BF's parents have said but, seeing it from their side, they probably feel quite powerless and the words may have come from that emotion.

Their son's future is now out of his hands. The final decision as to whether to continue with the pregnancy is your daughter's but, if she does keep the baby, their son will be financially responsible for the child for the next 18 years. Your daughter will make a definite choice; he has to live with whatever she decides.

As they have been friends of yours, don't give up on them immediately. Let things settle down and them see if they change their view. People do say things in the heat of the moment that they later regret.

euronorris

jellyhead wrote: »

Deep down I still haven't forgiven anyone who said my miscarriage 5 years ago was a 'blessing in disguise' :mad:

Me either and it's 11 years since mine.

I don't know if I ever can forgive them for that comment. We've moved past it, but it's still always there at the back of my mind.

euronorris

catkins wrote: »

I know accidents happen but babies should be planned within a secure and happy relationship. I can't believe how many posters say they also got pregnant so young - have people never heard of contraception?

Yes thank you, I have. I was on the pill, always took it on time, never missed one, wasn't ill, wasn't on antibiotics or anything like that, and I still fell pregnant.

NO contraception is 100%, so don't be so quick to judge.

Plans_all_plans

Mojisola wrote: »

Their son's future is now out of his hands. The final decision as to whether to continue with the pregnancy is your daughter's but, if she does keep the baby, their son will be financially responsible for the child for the next 18 years. Your daughter will make a definite choice; he has to live with whatever she decides.

While I understand what you are saying, so will OPs daughter be financially repsonsible for the child. Not only that, she will be physically/emotionally responsible for the child too. If he chooses to do one, their son will get off lightly with only a financial responsibility.

If he didn't understand the potential implications of having sex, I'd suggest he's not responsible enough to be at it!