Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

Loopy_Girl

taxi36 wrote: »

Im not being a hypocrite at all. Im asking you lot to allow me to discuss the matter.

Yes we had our child at 18 years old + we had the support of our parents , just liek our Daughter will have ours, ONCE SHE ARRIVES AT HER DECISION

I could be being blond here (happens now and again) but what is it you want to discuss?

You have already mentioned you are against abortion in this case
You will help out so daughter can continue studies/job
You and your missus were young parents so unless you are typing from a stolen PC piggybacking on someones broadband, you know that whilst it may be tough at times (but what parent doesn't have it at times) that it's not the end of everything

It's happened...probably not what you wanted for your 17 year old daughter (does anyone want that for their daughter) but it's happened now

Have to say I am still struggling with the 'being angry' and 'in bits' part of it...she's having a baby, she's not just told you she has a life limiting disease

A bit perspective needs to be focussed I feel.

ellas9602

Taxi36
I think you and MrsTaxi come across as loving and supportive, of course you are going to be emotional - this is a very emotional time for you.
I was PG at 14, had just turned 15 when I gave birth. My dad was very anti abortion and my mum was the opposite. My dad was very angry though too and called me a !!!!!/prostitute..this I will NEVER forget. The hardest part initially was my parents reaction, their dissapoitment in me. I still remember my dad crying because he thought i was really going to make something of myself - I was very clever at school.The guilt I felt at letting everyone down was immense. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy...looking back I think my dad did influence this decision but I don't resent this, in a way it made it easier for me because I REALLY REALLY didn't know what to do.
My mum and dad were brilliant from the day she was born, I had younger siblings too so we all just mucked in and I think she had a wonderful loving upbringing and as a result is a wonderful and loving daughter. She's 15 herself now, circumstances saw to it that I didn't have any more children so it seems a little fated to me. She is the love of my life and the apple of my eye and I wouldn't change a thing......
Good luck to you all x

shellsuit

Just be there for her and back her all the way in whatever her and her BF decide to do.

You did come across as angry and upset with her in your original post, but reading further, it seems you and your wife are just shocked.

You've been there yourselves, so surely you could answer your own questions? I don't mean that to sound rude by the way, just that you have been in her situation, so should have more of an idea than anyone here?

belfastgirl23

People are being pretty tough on you here taxi I reckon it's normal to feel all of those mixed emotions that you're feeling, and the fact that you can face up to them and 'own' those emotions is important. I don't see any value in pretending that you don't feel those things. Obviously how you are with your daughter is a different issue and when you're with her, supporting her will be your biggest priority. But you're entitled to your own feelings as well.

I think it's better to admit to yourself that you feel angry and disappointed than to pretend you don't feel those things. If you admit to it, it's easier to see where how YOU feel might be influencing your daughter. if you don't admit it then I also think you are less prepared to acknowledge that you are influencing here.

Just a cautionary word as one NI person to another, try to dissuade her from telling anyone outside the immediate circle if she's still considering options. The last thing she wants is if she goes for a termination to have everyone whispering behind hands...and even good friends can find this kind of gossip irresistable no matter how much they know they shouldn't do it.

I would also be wary about a parental powwow for now until your daughter says she wants it. obviously offer it in case it's helpful for her but at this stage she and her boyfriend need to be the ones taking control - however well meant, you would still be signalling that it's for the adults to sort out. But you have also acknowledged that she must decide. So however hard it is, sit tight for now and let her think things out.

Good luck!

January20

Taxi36, I am so sorry you have had to put up with a lot of unkind responses from people who obviously haven't been in your situation and haven't read your posts properly either! There is always a "holier than though" faction on these boards, those who think they would react so much better than you have, but in fact nobody knows exactly how they will react until they are facing the situation!

As a mum to an 18 year old dd, I completely understand the feelings you stated in your initial post and I think they are quite normal. I am very tolerant and open minded but I would still be very shocked if it happened to my dd. You might have been very young parents, it's doesn't mean that your own 17 yo dd getting pregnant is not a shock! It's normal. You are human!

I think you have reacted very well with your dd, making sure that she knows you will support her whatever she decides and I would just say keep the communication channels open and make sure she knows you love her no matter what she decides, and also make sure she is not under pressure from the other family to do whatever they want. It's her body, her life, she should have the final say.

RAS

I agree. I am not NI but am aware that there and in much of Scotland attitudes are very different to those in metropolitian England.

euronorris

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

I could be being blond here (happens now and again) but what is it you want to discuss?

You have already mentioned you are against abortion in this case
You will help out so daughter can continue studies/job
You and your missus were young parents so unless you are typing from a stolen PC piggybacking on someones broadband, you know that whilst it may be tough at times (but what parent doesn't have it at times) that it's not the end of everything

It's happened...probably not what you wanted for your 17 year old daughter (does anyone want that for their daughter) but it's happened now

Have to say I am still struggling with the 'being angry' and 'in bits' part of it...she's having a baby, she's not just told you she has a life limiting disease

A bit perspective needs to be focussed I feel.

I don't understand why you can't see what he's angry about.

The OP is probably grieving the loss of the life he had envisaged for his daughter. It was always going to happen at some point, as she makes her own decisions in life, but that doesn't make it any easier.

He knows she will get through it, but having been a young parent himself, I expect he understands just how much hard work it is and how much she will be giving up to raise a child at her age. I'm not talking about studying, that can still be done with enough support and hard work. I'm talking about about the decrease in/loss of social life, the loss of that carefree time when most of us are spending our surplus income on nights out or holidays, not nappies and baby clothes, and probably losing a fair few friends too (the ones that stick are the ones worth holding onto though- but it's still hard to lose all those friends in one go).

And if she decides to have an abortion, he has already stated that it will be hard for him to accept that loss of life too, but he will be supportive.

These aren't the choices that any parent wants their child to have to ever face, let alone at 17.

I get the impression that the OP really just wants to get all of this 'out', so that he is able to refocus himself and be as supportive and helpful towards his daughter as possible.

He recognises that he can't show all these feelings to his daughter, so he's looking for an alternative outlet. I feel he should be congratulated for that and encouraged to share his feelings, and certainly shouldn't be told how to feel.

colli

Sorry a quick reply, I've not had time to read through all the responses but feel some aren't as kind as they could be....

My sister and bil were in the same situation with my niece when she was the same age as your DD. Niece had taken all the steps of being a responsible young adult, using reliable birth control with a steady boyfriend with whom she was in love and had a committed relationship (BF turned out to be a total loser but that's another story) but not everything worked as it should have done and she got pregnant. She had an abortion. Certainly not an easy decision and probably the hardest choice she'll ever need to make at a very young age but it by no means ruined her life. Of course it was difficult to deal with and no doubt it will stay with her to some degree but I don't think anyone doubts now with hindsight it was the best choice for her. The right decision for your daughter may well be something different.

I'm not saying that there is any right or wrong answer to any of this but I've no doubt with a loving and supportive family (which it sounds like you are) your daughter can deal with just about anything life decides to throw her way.

Good luck and all the best, I've been able to see first hand the effect this has on the parents and I know it must be very difficult for you at the moment but I'm sure one way or another it will all work out.

January20

Thank you euronorris. Your post completes mine completely. You've expressed all the things that were in my head but I didn't put down in my post.

It is worth saying as well that whatever the girl decides to do, her life will not be the same ever again, whether she chooses abortion, keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption.

euronorris

And this is coming from someone who fell pregnant at 17 herself. I miscarried very early on, so the choice about what to dowas removed.

And my parents, siblings and friends didn't handle things as well as I would've liked. But, I do know that they handled things as best as they could. If they had had a forum like this open to them, to discuss it all and clarify and talk about their own feelings, they probably would've been able to handle it better.

If she miscarries (sad as it is, there is always a chance), please don't say 'Oh well, it's for the best, you're too young to be a good Mum anyway.'. That one nearly saw me punching my sister square in the jaw. Just hug her and tell her you're there for her. Everyone expected that I shouldn't be upset, like I'd been saved from this awful thing, but I didn't view it that way and was longing for someone to acknowledge my loss and pain.