Teenage (unplanned) pregnancy

GobbledyGook

I know that you think your daughter knows that you and your mother will never turn your back on her, but please make sure you tell her because an unexpected, unplanned pregnancy can send your world so spinning that you don't actually know anything anymore.

Also please don't lose your high hopes for your daughter. If she is hard working and clever she'll still achieve highly - she'll just have to work extra hard to achieve it.

Getting the two families together is all very well, but please do ensure that no-one puts their feelings and points across before your daughter and her boyfriend have the chance too. In fact, please ensure they are actually happy for this get together to go ahead first! At the end of the day it is their baby therefore it has to be their choice because they are the ones who have to live with the consequences.

What age is your daughter?

Sambucus_Nigra

Are we talking 13 or 19?

rachbc

I work with young mums - from pregnancy testing onwards - they are often terrified of telling parents so it is greats that she has been able to, however please please put your own feelings aside and start looking at what your daughter wants. Right now she will probably be scared and confused and despite you thinking that she knows you will support her she might not beleive this right now - especially if she is 'hiding out' at bfs.

If she needs independant counselling about making a decision whether or not continue with the pregnancy this should be available through your local CASH clinic, especially if there is a dedicated young people's service. Many young women have terminations and feel it is absolutley the best thing for them at the time - however when a young woman is rushed or persuaded into a termination they very often the end up pregnant again very quickly after - so whilst it is obviously important that your daughter knows it is an option available to her it is important that it is her decision.

If she does decide to continue there is funding and support to enable her to return/ continue with education - you don't say how old she is but if she is still at school then she will be allowed 16 wks maternity leave and there should be someone in the LEA who will work to support her return to school, find her chidcare etc.

If she is at college/ wanting to go to college there is funding for childcare through care 2 learn to pay for her baby to go to nursery whilst she studies and support from the connexions service.

taxi36

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Spot on.

It's a real shame she felt the need to 'retreat to her boyfriends' at such an emotive time.

How else do you expect her to discuss the mater with her boyfriend if she does not go to his home to discuss it?
At the end of the day (and this has already been said) the decision is my Daughter's and hers alone. No-one can make the decision for her.

thorsoak

Taxi36 - I can understand your disappointment/anger - but as others have said, please do not let these emotions come between you and your daughter - vent them here by all means - a good way to let off steam - but keep them under control when talking to your daughter and boyfriend and boyfriend's family.

First of all - do you know how your daughter feels about the pregnancy ? Obviously she is afraid at the moment - afraid of your reactions/her boyfriend's reactions to add to whatever conflicting emtions she herself has. Try putting yourself in her shoes - she will know what dreams and hopes you and your wife have pinned on her and she will be feeling that she has let you down. But that is irrelevant now. What she needs to know now is that she will have your support and love regardless of what she decides to do - terminate, have the baby, keep the baby, keep the boyfriend, etc etc etc. Let her know that she will have your support and love in whatever she decides to do - and please remember it will be HER decision - your place in this will be to keep other people's pressures any from her - let her make her own decisions in her time.

And if, at the end of it, she decides that she will keep the baby, and go on with her education/career - with or without the father - then you won't be the first grandfather who has had his plans and dreams for his little girl turned on their heads.

Keep calm - and keep other people calm - and vent here!!

taxi36

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I know that you think your daughter knows that you and your mother will never turn your back on her, but please make sure you tell her because an unexpected, unplanned pregnancy can send your world so spinning that you don't actually know anything anymore.

Also please don't lose your high hopes for your daughter. If she is hard working and clever she'll still achieve highly - she'll just have to work extra hard to achieve it.

Getting the two families together is all very well, but please do ensure that no-one puts their feelings and points across before your daughter and her boyfriend have the chance too. In fact, please ensure they are actually happy for this get together to go ahead first! At the end of the day it is their baby therefore it has to be their choice because they are the ones who have to live with the consequences.

What age is your daughter?

She is 17 years old.
No-one but her will be arriving at the decision of what to do.
She already knows that .
This is why she has gone to her boyfriends house today to discuss things with him. We will then call over tonight (we are all actually friends so going to the house is not unusual for us) and find out together what they plan to do about the situation.
Her decision is all that matters though. i just want her to make the right one.
I have already posted that we will do all we can to support them,we will encourage her to remain in education and to return to her part time job. We will happily look after the baby whilst she does this.

wannaberich81

you sound like wonderful parents

RAS

taxi36 wrote: »

She told us last night and has gone to her boyfriends house today to discuss things.We told her last night that before she makes up her mind what she wants she has to talk it through with the father and be sure that the decision she arrives at is the right one and not one that is made in haste.

And you're assumption that she is over 18 is incorrect.She is 17

She told us this REGARDLESS of her decision as we are in Northern Ireland + so she would need to travel to england for the termination.

OK

Beginning to get more of the context.

Not sure which side of the divide you are on, but recognise that neither accepts abortion. Sadly the underlying belief behind that mean that she is less likely to ave access to good family planning at that age.

This must however be a decision for your daughter and her BF and next time you speak to her you have to apologise for your initial reaction.

And as everyone says, you need to support the decision and if she decides to have the baby, you need to help her complete her qualifications. But you are not door mats who are going to pick up the pieces; if she has the child, bye bye nights out and partying for both of them.

taxi36

thorsoak wrote: »

Taxi36 - I can understand your disappointment/anger - but as others have said, please do not let these emotions come between you and your daughter - vent them here by all means - a good way to let off steam - but keep them under control when talking to your daughter and boyfriend and boyfriend's family.

First of all - do you know how your daughter feels about the pregnancy ? Obviously she is afraid at the moment - afraid of your reactions/her boyfriend's reactions to add to whatever conflicting emtions she herself has. Try putting yourself in her shoes - she will know what dreams and hopes you and your wife have pinned on her and she will be feeling that she has let you down. But that is irrelevant now. What she needs to know now is that she will have your support and love regardless of what she decides to do - terminate, have the baby, keep the baby, keep the boyfriend, etc etc etc. Let her know that she will have your support and love in whatever she decides to do - and please remember it will be HER decision - your place in this will be to keep other people's pressures any from her - let her make her own decisions in her time.

And if, at the end of it, she decides that she will keep the baby, and go on with her education/career - with or without the father - then you won't be the first grandfather who has had his plans and dreams for his little girl turned on their heads.

Keep calm - and keep other people calm - and vent here!!

Thank-you.I appreciate you're comments.
Seems some people have taken my emotions for displeasure. Of course I am disappointed with the situation,I will NEVER be disappointed with my Daughter though no matter what she does in life. She is my Daughter + I love her without condition.
Some people mention that she has gone to her boyfriends house as I was angry but I honestly didnt show this anger to my Daughter. She told me + my wife. There were a few tears (from Daughter) and then she said she wanted to go to bed , which she did. This morning my Wife texted her from work to say that she loved her very much + that we were both here when she was ready to talk further. Daughter then texted back to say that she was going to her boyfriends to have a good chat.
She knows we love her and knows we are here for her

pigpen

taxi36 wrote: »

Hardly old fashioned! I am 36 years old + my wife is 35.

We do know what it is like to be very young parents as we had our Daughter when we were nothing more than teenagers ourselves.

Oh great.. so she'll think you are hypocrites too..

Your wife will have been 18 or thereabouts when she had your daughter.. so it is ok for you 2 but not for her? Did it end your life? Did the world stop turning? Now you know what your parents felt..

It is statistically proven children of young parents often go on to be young parents themselves..

You might have struggled when she was little so in a way you know a little of what she is going to experience.. prejudice from nosey strangers etc.. She needs a hug and probably another hug...

treat her how you wished people had treated you.

How many times were you as dad told to leave her mum? you think it is any different today?