Now I am beig unreasonable - but can't help it!

lookingforsun

When I married DH I had my own house, and he his. I lived with my son (then 18) and he with his (the same age).

I moved into DH's house & my DS moved into my parents - and we were originally going to get a 3 bed house (DH's son refused to share a room). The 3bed house never happened & my DS did settle into my parents very well... but it caused no end of resentment from me - liveing with an 18yr old near stranger, having his dad being very close to him, while mine was 'persona no grata'!

After our daughter was born DH's son moved to his mum's, on the other side of the country.

He came up to stay for xmas and spent a couple of weeks in DD's room. I did set some boundaries before he came - such as I didn't want to feel left out, and sidelined (which I did while he was here - which I understand as I moved into HIS house), but now he was gone, and this was no longer his home, but is mine, so I didn't want to feel uncomfortable anymore.

Anyway, the boundaries were broken straight away. I had to sit up in the bedroom everynight from 7pm, because SS was playing video games (not with DH, but on his own), I couldn't watch TV as DD was asleep, so I became quite upset by this. The odd time DH wanted me to speak to him, SS would appear at the door, and I became really withdrawn...

Anyhoo, SS is now coming down again. I know DH is excited to see him & am happy for him, but he phoned and arranged it with him - and I didn't have a say.. and I don't know whether I should or not. I feel like an outsider.

What upsets me is my DS was NEVER allowed to stay the night as when SS was here there was no room, and DH didn't WANT my DS sleeping on the sofa, yet his son is coming to stay on the sofa???

Fair enough I understand he wants to see him, that's not what's upset me so much - it's that he's coming down for the entire summer. And he eats A LOT! And DH spends £100 per week on food for the two of them - and we cannot afford it. His son is now 19, and is doing a college course (further education NOT degree), so he gets EMA. As far as I'm concerned if he wants to come he should save that up, or get a job (OK I know there aren't many around), but I'm p***ed off DH expects me to use my money to buy his son food (I buy all the food). I would if he was staying for a short time - but for a whole 6/7 weeks?

The other thing, my DS has a very expensive telescope that my parents bought him - but they haven't got room for it, so he asked if we could store it (and use it), so DH is telling his son they can spend nights stargazing!!! I don't want that - it's my son's & he can't use it where he is - so why the blazes should SS?

Also (the thing that gets me & will get to say something I'll regret), I'm pregnant & DH wants me to abort it - yet he was saying to SS that his 'sister' can't wait to see him - yet he wants to KILL her proper sibling - I know it's wrong but I don't want SS near her... and I'm so, so bad-tempered - just because DH didn't ask me - as if I don't live here

consultant31

I'm afraid I'd be annoyed too. Why can't the holidays be split so that your son can come for a couple of weeks and SS can come for a couple of weeks afterwards?

Lads of this age can eat their own body weight in food and I don't think a 19 year old should expect to be fed every meal without making some contribution, even if it's just doing the washing up after meals.

I also would stop him playing games while you sit in the bedroom - that's just plain ridiculous. Make a stand now or you'll be taken for a mug for ever.

Where's your OH while you're sitting in the bedroom?

happy35

Does you DH pay maintenance for SS? If yes you could ask him for this and put it towards his food

Apart from this I would be very upset with the situation you are in, I would find it hard to live with SS when my DS was elsewhere but could live with me. I think it might be worth you talking to a counsellor about how you feel if you are unable to talkto your DH.

The telescope would be going to my parents while SS was there, I know you DS wouldnt be able to use it but at least no one else is so there is no chance of it being damaged.

The abortion is something you need to decide on whether this is what you want,if DH is opposed to another child would you be able to manage on your own? This is the worst case scenario but is something you need to consider.

you do sound very unhappy and stressed with the situation and by bottling things up your resentment will only grow further

Could you talk to your DH calmly about how you feel, how unfair you think things are etc? Would DH take on board what you are saying?

PasturesNew

Do you have room in the garden for a small touring caravan for these lads to stay in when they're visiting you? It's legal for them to sleep in a touring caravan in the garden, if they're using the main house for things like the loo, meals, etc... but it could be a cheap way for you and them to have space.

ecgirl07

this thread will eventually lead to all the advice you have been given in the many threads you have started in the last 6 months. You are not happy with this man, living the life you are living, the best you can do is leave him and start afresh. It is maybe harsh posting this so early in the thread but it is a distillation of the advice you have been given for the last 6 months or so.

pigpen

Sound like hubby is the one being unreasonable.

Why did ou not move to a bigger house? Surely this is paramount now with a new baby on the way.. there is no way you will manage.. and don't even look at 3 beds.. go for a 4 and immediately put 2 bed in one room so both your son and his son can stay and have their own beds.. if his son doesn't want to share a room.. good, he can't visit!!

I'd be saying no more than a week visit TBH.. he can come back later for another week but every other week is enough.. he isn't a baby after all...

I must say hubby and stepson sound like a pair of tools. Selfish, uncaring and unfeeling towards you and your little girl.

You must stand up for yourself and all 3 of our children otherwise hubby and SS will stomp all over you! Grow a big hairy set and give them what for ... (((hugs)))

patchwork_cat

ecgirl07 wrote: »

this thread will eventually lead to all the advice you have been given in the many threads you have started in the last 6 months. You are not happy with this man, living the life you are living, the best you can do is leave him and start afresh. It is maybe harsh posting this so early in the thread but it is a distillation of the advice you have been given for the last 6 months or so.

OP has only been a member for 2 weeks!! However I see what you mean about 3 other threads in that time.

meritaten

are you a wife or a housekeeper? cos it seems to me that when it comes to your OH HIS family can come stay and you are a skivvy - but when it comes to yours - they cannot.
and you are pregnant and OH wants you to abort. You dont want to.
Hun, why are you with this man? what do YOU get out of it? if you refuse to abort what will he do? and how would he treat the baby? (he treats you and your son badly so why would he treat a baby he doesnt want any better?). hard questions I know. only you know the answers.

ecgirl07

patchwork_cat wrote: »

OP has only been a member for 2 weeks!! However I see what you mean about 3 other threads in that time.

august

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2648613

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2667165

october

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2821148


Im posting these to put into perspective for the op that she is consistently unhappy in her relationship and consistently gets similar advice. I understand that it is terribly hard to get out of an unhappy situation and you have to be ever so brave to make the break but based on the op's posts under different guises i can only advise she thinks very strongly about leaving and getting out. In the latest thread there was accusations of being judgemental, im not posting the links in this way but to give a perspective to the op about the pattern of her life.

patchwork_cat

ecgirl07 wrote: »

august

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2648613

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2667165

october

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2821148


Im posting these to put into perspective for the op that she is consistently unhappy in her relationship and consistently gets similar advice. I understand that it is terribly hard to get out of an unhappy situation and you have to be ever so brave to make the break but based on the op's posts under different guises i can only advise she thinks very strongly about leaving and getting out. In the latest thread there was accusations of being judgemental, im not posting the links in this way but to give a perspective to the op about the pattern of her life.

The OP's in each of these threads are different to this one, as you say. (must admit it does seem a familiar story) The OP's join date is April 2011. How can you be sure that this is the same person (I think you are probably right!) and more importantly how can you keep track back 9 months!?

ecgirl07

patchwork_cat wrote: »

You obviously know something that the rest of us don't as the OP's in each of these threads are different to this one, as you say. (must admit it does seem a familiar story) The OP's join date is April 2011. How can you be sure that this is the same person and how can you keep track back 9 months!?

apologisies to OP if im wrong, but the stories are the all linked by the small details since the moving in with her husband and giving up her own house.... some stories just stick with you and ring familiar bells, this one does.