Now I am beig unreasonable - but can't help it!

quantumleap

I don't doubt that this is all true - and to be honest I'm not going to offer much advice. However I would say that the scenario you posted about in your initial post is actually very different from the reality and I don't doubt that you would have got very different advice had you revealed all about your own son in the beginning.

You painted your husband as being in the wrong - and in many ways I guess he is. However with this added information regarding your son I can understand why your husband would not want him in the house.

To get genuine and constructive comments and advice you really do need to post a true reflection of the situation you need advice on - your sons recent history was a glaring omission.

liney

lookingforsun wrote: »

Hi, I didn't actually choose my husband over my son, although I'm well aware that it appears that way & may be what I have writted - and to be honest, it IS exactly how I feel.

My CPN was the one who actually advised me to kick my son out. My son had fallen in with some sort of 'cult'. He was 'seduced' by an older, and very pretty woman member. She used to come round to my house, dressed in nothing but the skimpiest pair of shorts, or a tiny mini-skirt, and a low-cut, tight fitting top. She used to go into my son's bedroom under the guise of helping him to decorate (which they did do). She made me feel uncomfortable, but any attempt to discuss it, would provoke wild outbursts.

One day I arrived home to find my son gone, and a note from the woman to say he'd taken an overdose. Upon arriving at hospital I discovered that he'd asked the woman to take off her clothes and held a knife to her throat.

He refused to stop seeing the woman, and became increasingly violent. He punched me, tried to throw me down the stairs, broke furniture, doors etc. It was then that my CPN told me that he may be better off away from me. Then when I found out I was pregnant (before the wedding), my son's CPN said that if he lived with me when the baby was born, they'd have to do a risk assessment, as they weren't sure he would be safe.

Last night my son went missing. He phoned me to tell me he was jumping off a building, and rambled about nonsense. The police were called, they were here during one of his threats.. police helicopters were out, my DH went out, so did my brother. I spent a sleepless night.. he finally returned at 8am this morning - no explanation.

I have a hospital appointment this morning as I've been bleeding, but my husband now won't take me, as he's 'tired'. I'm really annoyed as I didn't sleep sunday night either (as DD decided to play up), yet I STILL have to be up now and deal with her - what if I wanted a lie-in (goodness knows I need one).

This is all true, and I fear that I may have now revealed too much, as anyone who vaguely knows me will recognise this (and my son's friends who were all woken at 2am by the police).

How exciting.:cool:

lookingforsun

Thank you quantumleap, I know it's different, I guess in my head my son is my little boy & I still feel the same way about him... I keep thinking about when he was young, trying to figure out where I went wrong... it is torture not being with him, yet when he did stay here (in November when DH was on holiday), it was like old times in a way. I do get on better with him now. But I'm still his mum & still see the little boy

lookingforsun

liney wrote: »

How exciting.:cool:

No not really, very tiring.

SailorSam

I don't think you've said how old you are but if you've got a grown up Son you're obviously not a silly 16/17yr old who thinks she's in love. Why are you with this guy, if you're feeling so unhappy now, how do you think you'll feel in 20yrs and you'll look back on a lifetime of being a doormat.
You need to leave him and find someone who'll love you, and if you're going to do that i think it would be better not to have any more children to take with you, so i think you should seriously think about whether your husband is right, should you have an abortion.

make_me_wise

It seems to me that there is a huge communication problem between you and your OH. Have you sat him down and tried to tell him exactly how you feel. Or is he aware of your feelings but choosing to ignore them and do things whichever way suits him? From your post I dont get the impression your relationship is very healthy.

Obviously we are only able to have one side of the story on a forum. However I wouldn't be pleased if my OH invited someone to stay without discussing it with me first. Your own son doesn't seem to have been considered in all of this at all. As another poster said it would be much more of a compromise if SS stayed for 3 weeks and your son was invited to do the same. There is very little balance in your relationship I feel.

I hope the responses on here will encourage you to have a frank and honest talk with your oh. I dont think you would be unreasonable if you were to tell him that the current arrangements are not okay with you and that you all need to compromise and include your son too.

The main crux of the problem I would imagine is that your oh is trying to make you abort a baby, whilst playing loving dad to his son. You have to see the irony in that and it must be painful. As countless others have asked "Why are you with this man?"

sassyblue

Why are you asking for more advice on here? Go out and make the life you want ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

Decide what YOU want and work towards it.

It's quite simple.

Incapuppy

make_me_wise wrote: »

Or is he aware of your feelings but choosing to ignore them and do things whichever way suits him?

The various threads that have been posted under different user names indicate that this is exactly how the OP's husband behaves no matter what the situation involved; OP when will you listen to any or all of the advice you have been given??????

TBH, with your update from today regarding police helicopter searches for your son it really does seem to re-inforce what others have said about you appearing to revel in the drama of it all.

Do I think you are revelling in this or any of the other situations that you have posted about? No, I don't but WHEN WILL YOU ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT instead of just posting about one drama or crisis followed by another?

I suggest you take action to secure the future of your unborn child, your baby and yourself; what else can anyone else advise that hasn't already been suggested over and over?

sassyblue

Incapuppy wrote: »

The various threads that have been posted under different user names indicate that this is exactly how the OP's husband behaves no matter what the situation involved; OP when will you listen to any or all of the advice you have been given??????

TBH, with your update from today regarding police helicopter searches for your son it really does seem to re-inforce what others have said about you appearing to revel in the drama of it all.

Do I think you are revelling in this or any of the other situations that you have posted about? No, I don't but WHEN WILL YOU ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT instead of just posting about one drama or crisis followed by another?

I suggest you take action to secure the future of your unborn child, your baby and yourself; what else can anyone else advise that hasn't already been suggested over and over?

I don't see that.... maybe the OP is just desperate for someone to talk to? but l agree with the rest, it's about time talking stopped and action started.

lookingforsun

Thank you. I honestly don't know why it is so hard to just make the move. Sometimes life isn't really so bad, and we seem to get on.

At this present moment in time I'm unable to think clearly - as I said I spent last night awake, and had hardly sleep... for someone with bipolar that is very dangerous, and has led to manic phases in me. This morning, after the police rang, I decided to go to bed, and at that exact moment DD woke up... I was so, so tired that I was grumpy with her, I told her to go back to sleep & that she was being horrible... I can't believe what a monster I am, I almost want to just leave her, as I can't believe i could be grumpy with her... and she just smiles at me. I am, however, angry with my son, he seems to view disappearing & worrying a great deal of people, as nothing to be concerned with.

I did go for the scan today. I saw the baby & the fast, flickering of it's little heart. DH came in with me, but didn't look at the screen. This has upset me more than ever, as DH didn't want his first wife to abort her baby (she didn't know the father) and was attached to it. He told me he wanted lots of kids with her. He also tells me that he may, in the future, want more (and I'm 40, so not with me).

His reasons for terminating are - that I had a caesarean last time, and my uterus may open; that I got too fat with DD; that he doesn't like sex with me pregnant (he refuses now); and that he may have an affair; our daughter will feel pushed out (on the contrary both our sons have been negatively affected by being only children).

So if I continue I will lose him almost certainly, and I know that everyone thinks I should abort, but having seen that little heartbeat - I just can't stop crying.

The reason I'm with him is quite simple - I'm insane! I keep repeating the same mistake over & over, hoping for a different outcome. All I've ever wanted was a family - a husband & a couple of kids, it's always eluded me, so now I'm trying to convince myself that I can make it work...

And finally - yes - the irony of seeing DH play happy families with his DS, whilst being so detached from our unborn, isn't lost on me. I know (logically) that his son is in no way to blame, or responsible, but in all honesty I'm growing to resent him. I know it's wrong - but I cannot help that I feel that way. He dotes on his son far more than on our DD, in fact he talks nicer to him.