Now I am beig unreasonable - but can't help it!

euronorris

lookingforsun wrote: »

Thank you. I honestly don't know why it is so hard to just make the move. Sometimes life isn't really so bad, and we seem to get on.

Really? List the good qualities he has then. What do you like about him and your relationship together?

At this present moment in time I'm unable to think clearly - as I said I spent last night awake, and had hardly sleep... for someone with bipolar that is very dangerous, and has led to manic phases in me. This morning, after the police rang, I decided to go to bed, and at that exact moment DD woke up... I was so, so tired that I was grumpy with her, I told her to go back to sleep & that she was being horrible... I can't believe what a monster I am, I almost want to just leave her, as I can't believe i could be grumpy with her... and she just smiles at me. I am, however, angry with my son, he seems to view disappearing & worrying a great deal of people, as nothing to be concerned with.

Your son is an adult now, right? If so, and he wants to disappear, let him. He will have his reasons, and will come back when he is ready to.

Also, you cannot control him or how he feels, so don't even bother trying. Just let him get on with it, but let him know that you're there for him when he wants to talk.

I did go for the scan today. I saw the baby & the fast, flickering of it's little heart. DH came in with me, but didn't look at the screen. This has upset me more than ever, as DH didn't want his first wife to abort her baby (she didn't know the father) and was attached to it. He told me he wanted lots of kids with her. He also tells me that he may, in the future, want more (and I'm 40, so not with me).

His reasons for terminating are - that I had a caesarean last time, and my uterus may open; that I got too fat with DD; that he doesn't like sex with me pregnant (he refuses now); and that he may have an affair; our daughter will feel pushed out (on the contrary both our sons have been negatively affected by being only children).

Ignore his reasons right now, and concentrate on your own.

Do you want to keep the baby? If so, why? Is it because you feel you can provide a loving and stable home for the child, or because you can't imagine having a termination?

That is a serious question, and I know it's a difficult one, but you really should consider it.

Do you feel you can bring it up alone? Again, to be seriously considered because it seems if you do choose to continue with the pregnancy it seems that your husband may leave you. Do you honestly think you can do it as a single parent? Can you afford it?

So if I continue I will lose him almost certainly, and I know that everyone thinks I should abort, but having seen that little heartbeat - I just can't stop crying.

That's perfectly natural. Even if you choose to terminate the pregnancy, it doesn't mean you have to be happy about it on every level. If you feel like crying, let it out.

The reason I'm with him is quite simple - I'm insane! I keep repeating the same mistake over & over, hoping for a different outcome. All I've ever wanted was a family - a husband & a couple of kids, it's always eluded me, so now I'm trying to convince myself that I can make it work...

You can't make a relationship work if the other person isn't willing to put any effort in at all.

I actually think that you may be staying with him just so that you can hold onto that family image in your head.

Do you feel like you will have failed if you leave? You won't have. You will have tried everything you can to make it work, with no effort from him, and then recognised that it can't work.

And finally - yes - the irony of seeing DH play happy families with his DS, whilst being so detached from our unborn, isn't lost on me. I know (logically) that his son is in no way to blame, or responsible, but in all honesty I'm growing to resent him. I know it's wrong - but I cannot help that I feel that way. He dotes on his son far more than on our DD, in fact he talks nicer to him.

Actually, yes you can help it. You are directing your anger and resentment at the wrong person. You recognise that it is your husband's fault, not his son's, so time to start re-directing that anger and resentment and put it to good use.

Stop playing the victim and hoping that it will all work itself out. It won't. You have to take charge of the situation, and nothing will change until you do. So, dust yourself off, pick yourself up and start planning your new life now.

I know this is harsh, and some people are gonna slate me for this, but I've seen it before with a friend of mine. In the end, being harsh and having the support of her friends removed was the only thing that spurred her into taking charge of her own life and she is much, much, much happier for it now.

Also, I'm not going to give any further advice than I (or anyone else) has. You know what to do, you have to do it now. Saying anything else is just a waste of time and energy.

I truly hope you sort all this out and wish you the best of luck for the future.

*Louise*

OP - I have read all your threads in the past and I can't believe you are still with this man.

Free yourself - he is just bringing you down!

Incapuppy

lookingforsun wrote: »

His reasons for terminating are - that I had a caesarean last time, and my uterus may open; that I got too fat with DD; that he doesn't like sex with me pregnant (he refuses now); and that he may have an affair; our daughter will feel pushed out (on the contrary both our sons have been negatively affected by being only children).

Oh my poor love; what will it take for you to realise that you (and indeed anyone) is worth far, far more than that?

You seem like a good, caring person - you still insist on trying to make excuses for and defend your pig of a husband even after everything he says and does to you. You have tried to make this work, you are not a failure if you walk away. I know that your OH has mental health problems and that you feel you should support him because of this; normally I would applaud you but there has to come a point when despite your best efforts you have to walk away for your own health, wellbeing and sanity (and that of your children).

If you do nothing then I can only predict further posts under different user names from you in the future, such as 'Devastated - my Husband forced me to have an abortion and I was too weak to say no' or 'My Husband is sleeping with other women but I still love him, what should I do?'

Please see sense OP

I'm really not sure that I'll reply further to this thread because even though I feel for you it really feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Please listen to the advice you are being given (we can't all be wrong, surely?) and I wish you well.

dmg24

patchwork_cat wrote: »

I am going to get slatted for this, but maybe your DH has a point about the abortion. You have mental health issues, as does your DH and your DS. Do you really feel that it is best for everyone to have another baby that may also have mental health issues? Even failing that the amount of stress etc.

I think you have made a brave statement, and a valid point to consider. If baby is born I can see it being a social services case from day one.

msb5262

OP, I am genuinely very worried about you.

Your emotional wellbeing and that of your daughter and your unborn baby are at huge risk.

I can't help feeling that by continuing to respond to your many threads, we are enabling this to continue - even though the advice you have received has been unanimously saying that your OH's behaviour is unacceptable.

PLEASE get to your GP as soon as possible and explain the whole situation to him/her.

That's my last contribution - I hope you can understand why.


MsB

threemuttleys

OP...firstly ((hugs))

secondly, what are you sitting about and letting this man treat you (and your daughter) like a pile of uselessness. Is this what you want your daughter to expect from a man when she grows up?

Please, go and get some help for you, and your childrens sake (all of them!) Go and get your life back on track, we only get one chance, life is not a rehearsal, but a live show. So put on a better show (and you dont have to have a leading man to be happy!)