Wish I could leave (long post, please help)

jusdreamin

I got married at the end of last year. My husband & I are both in our late 30s - I have bipolar, he has depression, and we met at a day hospital. Just after the wedding we found out i was pregnant.

Almost immediately we had problems. I moved into his with his son & mine was due to follow, which didn't happen. Being away from my son upset me (both sons are 18). My husband started saying he wasn't sure if he loved me etc; because I was still in the process of moving in I decided to keep my own place - but as it had rising damp & needed extensive work, I alternated between staying with my parents & spending the odd night with him. He wasn't happy as he decided he *did* love me, & kept pressing me to give up my own place.

My husband decided to go abroad on holiday alone just a couple of months before I was due - I told him that if he went it'd be over - he still decided to go (Gran Canaria as tobacco is cheaper, so it apparently was a *free* holiday). Of course I didn't finish with him .

I then ended up in hospital for a month till baby arrived - he was great. He borrowed my debit card to buy me food (a month on hospital food is impossible); I've since discovered he used my money to buy a new hoover, furniture etc. But, he was the perfect partner - loving etc. I was so happy he was with me when our daughter was born.

We decided to give it a go & emptied my house & gave notice to quit (tenancy ends this sunday coming). Now, however, things have changed again. I have yet to claim child benefit even though she is 7 weeks old - this is because my stepson is leaving and my husband wants to claim. He has persuaded me to part with a few thousand I had saved to buy a car - though I can't drive. I want to buy a pushchair (my money) yet he wants me to buy one that's £100 less... yet he's planning a day out on Saturday, including helicopter rides that'll cost more (guess who's paying - me).

So I'm stuck. I get ESA at the the moment, which has been halved - he gets incapacity & can't understand that they add his & mine together to get a *couples* allowance... so he still gets his whole amount, plus he's going to claim the tax credits and child benefit... yet I still have to pay for ALL the baby's stuff (nappies, clothes etc), and ALL our food out of £50 per week.#

He gets angry & is very controlling. He gets angry when our baby cries (its me that gets up at night as I'm breastfeeding & he takes sleeping pills & anti-psychotics). The other night he tried to push me off the bed when i was feeding her as he said I should leave her in the crib to cry "like normal ppl do".

I really don't love him anymore -I rushed into everything. I'm terrified of being stuck with him & getting into debt (he's already in debt as he's always buying).

His son left today & that now means I can't as he'll need the child tax credits to survive (which is why he wants me here & he is claiming even though it's usually the mum). I want to run, to escape... I can't stop crying. I gave all my furniture (a lot of it new) as he likes his *old* stuff... but now wants to buy new...

How do i get out as I'm REALLY miserable & scared of him (he has violent tendencies)... is there any way i could stop my tenancy ending on sunday?

jackieglasgow

I didn't want to read and run, have a {{{{hug}}}} from me. First thing, contact your landlord/agent and ask them if they have a new tennant yet, if not, would they consider reletting to you. Then contact a solicitor for advice, or CAB or even Women's Aid, most Women's Aid offices have a meet and greet thing where you can go for basic legal advice on what to do to leave a relationship. Good luck. X

brians_daughter

What a horrid situation to be in. You dont concern yourself with him - if you do want to leave you need to think of you and your child...how he survives is his problem.

You need to seek help, do you not have a mental health worker assigned to you? Call them for support, speka to your landlord re leaving - if he hasnt filled the property he will/should let you stay.
Speak to http://www.mind.org.uk/
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CMfDv_bFwKMCFYKY2AodZ1aEcQ for practical advice and support.

Sorry, i have never been in your situ so cant offer practical advice, but please get help with the orgainisations above x x Mnay more will be along very soon to help you out

Person_one

His problems don't need to be your problems anymore, if he struggles without tax credit he needs to find a solution to that, it is not your responsibility to fix it for him if you don't want to be with him anymore.

I think you're doing the right thing by deciding to leave and suggest you speak to your landlord first to see if there's any way you can stay in your home, then CAB, and if you're scared of him physically you can call the Women's Aid helpine on 0808 2000 247, they will be able to help.

thorsoak

Haven't you posted before about this problem?

kittiej

What a contrary Mary he seems to be.

What do you want to do?

Forget about him and his needs - he's an adult, you have to do what is right for you and your baby.

As said earlier ask the LL if you can keep your tenancy and move back into your own place where you can be free to relax without a black cloud hanging aroud you and your DD.

The money of Tax credits should be paid to the person who provides the most care for a child (afaik) and this doesn't sound like him. Child benefit is money for your daughter so what does he plan on buying for her with it?

I feel for you as you should be enjoying your new daughter and not having to cope with this chancer

Where's that Thors?

lifeisgood

Please, please get in touch with Womens Aid as advised in the posts above.

And did you phone the council, as suggested in this thread.

shell_girl

OP I think your other thread on this subject has been deleted, but if I remember correctly you had had quite a lot of good advice on there.

If you want to leave then contact your local Women's Aid group and speak to them about what support you can get. It doesn't necessarily mean going into refuge- you can get outreach support. Alternatively get down to CAB who can hopefully help you sort out the benefits side of things- this is urgent.

What would you advise your daughter to do if she came to you in 20 years time and told you that she was in this situation?

balletshoes

jusdreamin wrote: »

He gets angry & is very controlling. He gets angry when our baby cries (its me that gets up at night as I'm breastfeeding & he takes sleeping pills & anti-psychotics). The other night he tried to push me off the bed when i was feeding her as he said I should leave her in the crib to cry "like normal ppl do".

I really don't love him anymore -I rushed into everything. I'm terrified of being stuck with him & getting into debt (he's already in debt as he's always buying).

His son left today & that now means I can't as he'll need the child tax credits to survive (which is why he wants me here & he is claiming even though it's usually the mum). I want to run, to escape... I can't stop crying. I gave all my furniture (a lot of it new) as he likes his *old* stuff... but now wants to buy new...

How do i get out as I'm REALLY miserable & scared of him (he has violent tendencies)... is there any way i could stop my tenancy ending on sunday?

In your position, I'd contact the landlord and explain the position - your tenancy hasn't ended yet, so there may be a good chance that you can keep your tenancy going. Lots of people (including me) start off life with their baby, with a roof over their head and not much else. There are lots of charitable organisations out there where you can get baby items and furniture. Don't get financially tied to this man, by letting him have the child benefit and tax credits. That would be the worst thing you could possibly do, as it doesn't sound like he would use it for the benefit of your child.

You can't stay with him, don't let him bully you into thinking you "have" to stay because his son has left and that means less money coming in for him. Thats not your concern - your only concern should be whats best for your child, and you as her Mum.

jusdreamin

It's a housing association property, so they may not let me keep the tenancy - then I will be intentionally homeless. I'm too scared to phone them

gratefulforhelp_2

You've nothing to lose, do you?