Holiday without me?

camber_2

I've been married for nearly a year & we have a four month old baby. We had a whirlwind romance (I was probably a bit manic at the time).

Just before the wedding my then fiance went on holiday to Spain alone. I missed him terribly - but as he booked it before meeting me, I said nothing; he also PROMISED he would never WANT to go away alone again,

So in April this year he decides to go away to the Canary Islands for a week. I was absolutely livid - not least as I was heavily pregnant. He told me that he was depressed (he does suffer from a mental illness & depression (though what he's never told me)). He said a week in the sun would cheer him up - plus it wouldn't cost him a penny as he would get cheap tobacco, so saving on the ciggies . I did even threaten to leave him over it (for which I've been called a drama queen). It might have seemed an overreaction, but I cannot stress how unhappy I was that he'd chosen to do this.

When he returned he promised, again, that he wouldn't do it again. He said he wanted one last 'hoorah' before babs arrived (baby not Barbara Windsor lol).

So then he's been on again about how he would love to be in the sun again. And has now booked a holiday to the Canary's next month. This time I didn't fuss or moan - I thought maybe reverse psychology would work hmph!!!!

I am SERIOUSLY considering leaving him when he goes. He doesn't work (due to his illness) so we are not wealthy! He begruded me buying our daughter a new cot - yet can blow a few hundred on a jollie abroad! I recently used all my savings to buy a car for him - so how can he justify this.

There are so many reasons I'm against this. Money, I'm suffering from severe anxiety & agoraphobia since the baby was born, I'm bipolar - but off meds due to breastfeeding (though fear I'm coming ill again). Not to mention I hate the idea of him lying on a nudist beach - naked. I hate that he's *so* happy to be going again. This isn't what I signed up for... the married couples I know plan holidays together, the man usually works so they can afford it....

It's been suggested I go to - we can't afford it - besides I haven't got a passport. He used to go there with his 1st family - so I don't want to go there anyway. I feel like going on holiday alone next year. He says I can whatever makes me happy I can do. So christmas I told him I'm going to my family (what I want to do), but his son (19) is coming to stay so he wants us to be a *family*.

He's also bugging me with this woman he's friends with,. They used to sleep together before he met me - then she was horrible. Now she's constantly asking him to fix things & go to hers.

*max*

camber wrote: »

I've been married for nearly a year & we have a four month old baby. We had a whirlwind romance.

camber wrote: »

This isn't what I signed up for... the married couples I know plan holidays together, the man usually works so they can afford it....

This is what happens when you buy something without trying it on first. Half the time, it doesn't fit.

What exactly did you think you were "signing up for"? Did you discuss all this before marrying him, or did you have a little fairytale plan in your mind of how it would go? Did you actually get to know him first?

Re: the money, you knew before marrying him what his situation was, didn't you? Now you are resenting him for it.

You need to have a serious talk with the chap. I fear you may have jumped head first into something huge without realising the implications.

Alikay

Mental illness or not, that is incredibly selfish of him! There's no way I'd agree to him swanning off to catch a tan whilst I stayed home and looked after the baby especially since he doesn't work. It doesn't sound like he's giving anything whatsoever in the relationship, so I'd be putting a few ground rules in place, though its a bit late seeing as you're already married with a baby.

BTW I don't think you should be having to play "reverse psychology" type games - you're both adults and should be able to communicate your needs and reach agreements.

GobbledyGook

You need to speak to him sharpish. He obviously doesn't realise how important this matter is to you. It's downright selfish imo to be spending money on himself that you don't really seem to have. However he's done it before and it didn't split you up so he's perhaps thinking the same thing.

FWIW my ex and I both went away without each other when we were married. His idea of a holiday is sightseeing, climbing mountains and clubbing. Mine is lying on the beach or by the pool sipping cocktails and completely chilling. So he went with his mates and I went with my cousin. That worked for us, but importantly we agreed with each other about it. It was also never a case of one of us booking and saying "I'm going on X date", we discussed it first.

You do have to be fair though - do not have a go about him working, that wouldn't be right. However it's entirely fair to bring up that you don't have a lot of money so him spending hundreds without discussion is not really on.

camber_2

Of course we discussed it before we married - he said the first trip (before marriage) was the first he'd gone on in years - next month it will be the third in judt over a year... he'd PROMISED not to doit, now has reneged on it. I don't understand your point on finances Max; yes I knew the situation BUT our money is now joined, so I think it's unreasonable for him to choose how to spend it on a holiday

GlasweJen

scrape him off, he's taking you for an idiot and you are enabling him.

camber_2

Thanks Gobbledygook - I don't want a relationship where we holiday apart... which I said before we married, especially now we've a child. I was a single mum to my son for 18yrs, and *hoped* being a family meant not having to do the holidays alone. Its destroyed some of my love for him.

*max*

I didn't mean discussing the trips before you got married. I meant discussing the deeper subject of your views on marriage/partnership and the compromises you were each prepared to make in the relationship.

The issue you have with his trips away (I do agree he's being extremely selfish here, don't get me wrong) seems to be the tip of the iceberg. There is no sense of a loving relationship in your first post.

ruthber

He's completely out of order. I would be suspecting he might be going away with the other woman. (for all you know). He is totaly irresponsible and insensitive to your and baby's needs.

mandi

I am not surprised your angry & upset Camber. I would feel exactly the same . These are the actions of a totally selfish person let alone a married man with a young baby.

Personally I would give him the ultimatum that he either cancels , regardless of whether its paid for or if he insists on going tell him not to bother coming back .

camber_2

You're right Max - just after the wedding he "wasn't sure" he loved me, wanted me to keep my own house. Then he did love me... it took me sometime to believe it. Then this ex lover causing problems... He now says that me & our baby are all he has - the only thing that keeps him going... so why up & leave us for 2 weeks?