Holiday without me?

Charlie1978

camber wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I do think that the other problems compound things. Today our daughter is ill (her first cold) & cries when she coughs because her nose is stuffy; she's happiest sleeping on me, yet he moaned at me for not lying her down to do other stuff. He has a point - but /i can't bear for her to cry and not comfort her when she's ill. He is good in that he does a lot of the chores - but even then he CHOOSES to do this & at times I feel pushed out... i.e. I've always loved cooking & prided myself that others raved about it - he however has found fault in everything I've cooked - so I don't do it anymore. He's very critical of everything I do or say

Excuse him WHAT???

This is your child. Wanting their mummy. How he can pick fault with you comforting your child when they are ill is completely beyond me. But you know what is even more beyond me? Where the hell is your maternal instinct? Where is that little beast inside you that may not care what he says about you but once he says something to the detriment of your CHILD he needs to RUN. And FAST!?!?! Before you get his balls in a vice and twist until they are no more!!! Where is it???!!!

Please... for the love of GOD... get out now. You are suffering now because you don't feel strong enough to walk out the door. Stop and think about his controlling ways. About what he's tried to stop you doing for your child.

Then imagine your child having to put up with THAT as a sad, sorry excuse of a father. Your child won't be loved. He/She will be imprisoned. Just like you are. You want that for your child? Hell, stay there and put up with it. But on your head be it.

Flearoy

I think I know the condition this guy has. Chronic ar5ehole-ism.

Lucy1973

camber wrote: »

I live in his house, I lived in a housing association place before, but gave it up. I also (stupidly) gave away everything I'd worked to get for years - all my furniture and bits that make a house a home. It breaks my heart that everything - everything- that I had in my home with my son has now gone. He wouldn't let me bring any of furniture here, and I'm terribly sentimental (to the point of hoarding). He has pictures of his son etc up. To be fair he did let me put pictures of my son up, but when he told me he didn't love me I took them down with the intention of staying in my own place (I hadn't handed my notice in & moved in with hubby at that point). I KNOW it's stupid - but I do miss my old life. I sit and cry (am doing so now) thinking of how it was just me and my son for years - everything I'd worked for - now I'm here with his furnishings, his choice of decorating etc. Where his son grew up and he lived with his first life. I'm so damned unhappy I feel like jumping out a window. I just really don't think we match... we disagree on everything - nothing wrong with either of us being different - but we're just too different. I was plannning on leaving him while he was on holiday (the fact that he switches off the internet connection when angry, makes me worry what he'd do if I upped and left). His first wife left him for another guy & he was a wreck - but he still had his son. He keeps saying how me & our baby are all he's got & I do worry that he'd do something silly without us. His son has moved away & he doesn't speak to his parents or sister (not quite sure why, I've never met them), so we are all he has

You seem to be making excuses for him and his behaviour,sadly,so its a bit like banging our heads against a brick wall for us who are giving advice.
I also think its very odd that you still haven't meet his family. This,amongst the other stuff,rings alarm bells with me.

sassyblue

camber wrote: »

To be fair he did let me put pictures of my son up,

There is NOTHING FAIR about this man. If this is all true you should be running for the hills. :eek:

There are no ifs and buts here, this guy is a control freak and a loser.

Let him go on his holiday and GET OUT you need that time to get away and please, please listen and remember this - when he comes back and finds out you've gone he'll promise you the earth but DO NOT believe him.

Charlie1978 is absolutely right you need to protect your kids and let them grow up with YOU as their role model not this a55hole.

pinkshoes

camber wrote: »

He keeps saying how me & our baby are all he's got & I do worry that he'd do something silly without us. His son has moved away & he doesn't speak to his parents or sister (not quite sure why, I've never met them), so we are all he has

It's called emotional blackmail and is a form of bullying, and quite clearly an excuse so he can continue treating you like sh*t.

When is he next going away? I'd let him go, then move out when he's away.

Seriously, life is too short. You're supposed to enjoy life, not live it under the spell of someone else!

thorsoak

camber wrote: »

I live in his house, I lived in a housing association place before, but gave it up. I also (stupidly) gave away everything I'd worked to get for years - all my furniture and bits that make a house a home. It breaks my heart that everything - everything- that I had in my home with my son has now gone. He wouldn't let me bring any of furniture here, and I'm terribly sentimental (to the point of hoarding). He has pictures of his son etc up. To be fair he did let me put pictures of my son up, but when he told me he didn't love me I took them down with the intention of staying in my own place (I hadn't handed my notice in & moved in with hubby at that point). I KNOW it's stupid - but I do miss my old life. I sit and cry (am doing so now) thinking of how it was just me and my son for years - everything I'd worked for - now I'm here with his furnishings, his choice of decorating etc. Where his son grew up and he lived with his first life. I'm so damned unhappy I feel like jumping out a window. I just really don't think we match... we disagree on everything - nothing wrong with either of us being different - but we're just too different. I was plannning on leaving him while he was on holiday (the fact that he switches off the internet connection when angry, makes me worry what he'd do if I upped and left). His first wife left him for another guy & he was a wreck - but he still had his son. He keeps saying how me & our baby are all he's got & I do worry that he'd do something silly without us. His son has moved away & he doesn't speak to his parents or sister (not quite sure why, I've never met them), so we are all he has

Camber .... just read YOUR words that I've highlighted in red - you know that you should leave.

Does he worry that you (and your baby) might come to harm when he is away? I think not!

When he says "you are all he has" - remember one thing YOU ARE NOT HIS POSSESSIONS. He "needs" you to bolster his ego - to make him think that he is important. Remember he has also said that he doesn't love you....

Go to your local Council - tell them of the situation - that you no longer have a marriage and find out what your options are.

Be strong for the sake of your baby - do you want him/her to grow up in a home where father belittles mother all the time?

ecgirl07

Camber your story sounds very similar to a story posted before and im sure the advice given at the time of the other story backs up the advice on this thread.

The Family Forum can be a bit "its the mans fault get rid of him" sometimes which is unfair as we only get one side of the story but your story is consistent and the advice is consistent, you need to look at an exit strategy.

Caroline_a

Oh, dear Camber - everyone here is giving you such good advice. Let me just say that I think that, by posting all this on here you are using the board to set down all the dreadful things that this man is doing to you, possibly in an effort to justify the decision you (I think) have already made.

Leaving a situation like this is a bit like stepping off a cliff. It's about fear of the unknown, and very often the devil you know is easier than the devil you don't. I know, I've been there!

My advice, such as it is, is to keep reading what people are saying , leaving him is the right thing to do. Do it in small steps, speak to Citizens Advice about somewhere to live, don't worry about not having any furniture, Freecycle ( is it now called Freegle?) is wonderful for that, you will be so much better on your own. From what you've said he would have no chance of taking the baby from you, so long as you stay strong. Let him go off on his holiday, and when he gets back, you're out of there. Leave him a note if you want, if you dont, don't bother.

Do you have any close 'girlie' friends to talk to? They will be your best form of help, although make sure they are your friends and not his. Make your plans, keep them quiet and then wave him off.... and take the little one off to a life of peace and quiet.

Good luck, we're all here for you xx

Emmzi

there is a very useful sticky post second from the top of this board for women suffering from domestic violence.

He may not have hit you, but from what you are saying he does and says, and how he acts towards his won child, you ARE a victim of mental domestic violence.

Please read the advice there.

Do you have any friends or family you could stay with for a while?

Also be aware a typical ploy is to "make" you lose contact with friends and family. Is this happening to you?

kettlefish

I have been married for just over a year - no baby as yet though. I am NOT defending this bloke (he sounds like he is childish and seflish, regardless of the holiday incident/s) but I will say that people can be a bit dim, especially if they think "being dim" will get them what they want. Maybe showing him you're upset isn't enough, maybe you need to say what you've said here. Tell him that, when you signed up to this relationship, you expected the good with the bad. You knew you'd lose some independence, but hoped you'd gain some companionship. You knew having a baby together would make money tight, but you hoped teamwork would make it easier. Suggest that, if he needs a change of scene, the few hundred pounds he's spending on himself could pay for a hotel (or even a cottage if you do your research) for the three of you to go away. If he doesn't listen, then I think you know what you need to do.

And, in case he's made you feel like you're the one being unreasonable, or made you think you're expecting too much, you're not. I'm more than happy for DH to go away for a weekend for something special (stag do, vital footie match), but a week away just because he wants to?! No chance (and we're very comfortable financially!) I also think it's important to raise the point that DH wouldn't want to spend that much time away from me.