lazy husband

euronorris

barbiedoll wrote: »

Soemtimes, with men, you have to be very, very specific about what you want them to do. Just ranting about the "mess" (which he probably can't even see!) is just not specific enough. Same with dressing the kids. As far as he is concerned, the kids have clothes on, job done.

Ain't that the truth!

I remember asking my OH to lift the washing out once. He did just that. Lifted it out and left it on the side! *facepalm*

Now, I'm waaayyy more specific and say: Would you please lift the washing out and hang each item up to dry. And then it gets done perfectly, and without whinging either.

I was always reluctant to ask for things to be done at first because I was afraid he wouldn't want to do them, so would moan, and also because I didn't see why I should have to even ask. But....I've found he never moans if I ask him to do stuff, and it saves me from getting wound up.

He always does the hoovering in our place, as I find the hoover too heavy and stiff. And both of us avoid ironing like the plague!

Oh, and he will help out with the dishes, but only if he gets to wash them (he doesn't want to be the one drying). But I hate him washing dishes, he doesn't do it thoroughly enough and I spend most of the time dropping items back into the sink for him to wash again, after showing him where the dirt/grime is still showing. That makes me feel like a nag, and I expect he probably feels nagged too, so I'd rather just do it myself, but we are going to invest in a dishwasher asap.

ceridwen

Tish_P wrote: »

Yes, exactly! Men clean just as well as women if there's a cultural expectation that they will do so and and they're taught (or brought up to know) how. It's not that there's something inherently wrong with men's eyes or brains that means they are blind to bathtub rings and mugs of green furry ex-coffee, as people often seem to be suggesting in this kind of discussion.

Quite!

Must admit that I am surprised these sort of discussions are still going on all these years after I knew very well I would have to check out any potential Mr Right's attitude to fair shares for housework:cool:

My take was "If you want me for good buster - then the price is you do your share. Otherwise = end of discussion".

I do feel very strongly that its up to women to be quite "firm" that men simply wont get them as a partner/spouse in the first place unless they've accepted that they will "do their share".

So that was my attitude towards this QUITE some years ago now - that they either "pulled their weight" or accepted that they "punched above their weight" financially and I "punched below mine" (ie they brought in a high level salary and I didnt have to bother with doing a full-time job or getting a decent hourly rate of pay for my job, but would make up for it by doing the housework they didnt want to do instead). It was up to them to choose which of those two options they were going to choose - otherwise it was "Next please...:D".

I guess it DOES take a fair degree of confidence re men to feel strong enough to be ready to work out in advance whether a man will treat one fairly or no in this respect first (ie before agreeing to live with/marry him) - rather than taking the risk of finding out afterwards that he is selfish and lazy.

rachbc

??? My husband earns considerably more than me, works more hours and I still expect him to pick up his own pants, load the dishwasher, hoover the house and all the other jobs we decided were 'his' - and to do it without being asked/ told/ praised/ rewarded - he is after all a grown adult!

Oh and the anwser to what's for dinner? '!!!!!! wi' sugar on'

YORKSHIRELASS

Mmm interesting thread. I have been with my lovely OH for nearly 21 years. He is not very good at domestic stuff, he wasnt when I met him and I havent managed to change him. Its nothing to do with the way he was brought up because his brother is the complete opposite. I know the reason he doesnt help out around the house is because he doesnt know what to do half the time and doesnt want to look stupid asking.

When I was working I sometimes had projects to complete and worked ridiculously long hours to finish them. I would shut down the laptop at 11pm and walk in the lounge which would be like a bomb site. OH would be watching telly and would genuinely look surprised when I said something about the mess. Sorry guys but he really doesnt see mess in the same way I do.

I am off work at the moment so I do everything. To be honest it works better this way and I think we are both happier. Not sure what happens when I go back to work though.

The one thing I will say about my OH is that he always says thank you when I cook him a meal and if I have had a big cleaning blitz he always notices. One of my friends husbands is a completely obsessed about tidiness and will moan about anything she leaves lying around. Not sure I would want to swap really!

digitalphase

I'm very lucky with my bloke. Even though his mum did everything for him (housewife mainly, just small part time job) when he lived at home, he is very domesticated. Far more than me actually, and he is a good influence on me :rotfl:

Normally we share chores out pretty evenly, but at the moment due to me being quite heavily pregnant and suffering from SPD, he does a lot more than me. I don't always do dinner, but always do his packed lunch

I hate messy blokes, my ex was one, and he drove me mad. He was so lazy and unmotivated. He was a mummy's boy, good and proper.

My OH isn't a clean freak, but he certainly doesn't mind doing housework, DIY and doing anything to our cars! He doesn't need an instruction manual to do anything around the house either. Sometimes he moans a bit, but gets on with it :rotfl:

I am very lucky to have him :cool:

January20

ceridwen wrote: »

Quite!

Must admit that I am surprised these sort of discussions are still going on all these years after I knew very well I would have to check out any potential Mr Right's attitude to fair shares for housework:cool:

Me too. I am really surprised that these discussions are still going on. I am also very surprised that so many women expect men not to be able to do housework and indeed will invent ridiculous excuses for them and are willing to treat them like toddlers!

It's very disappointing and very depressing indeed to think that the 20-30 year old men of today have been brought up by women my generation - who should have known better - but yet have not seen fit to teach their sons vital lifeskills. What have all those years of feminism been about? It seems women have even more shackles than before and accept them quite willingly for the "right" to go to work! Great!!! [insert rolleyes sarcastic smiley]

It's not even a question of teaching them so they have a happy girlfriend/ wife in future, it's teaching them so they can look after themselves properly when they live alone, which in this day and age a lot of males do.

I can't believe so many young women accept such a bad deal, working full time often and then looking after the household and the children! Are they so desperate to have a man in their life?

gratefulforhelp_2

January20 wrote: »

Me too. I am really surprised that these discussions are still going on. I am also very surprised that so many women expect men not to be able to do housework and indeed will invent ridiculous excuses for them and are willing to treat them like toddlers!

It's very disappointing and very depressing indeed to think that the 20-30 year old men of today have been brought up by women my generation - who should have known better - but yet have not seen fit to teach their sons vital lifeskills. What have all those years of feminism been about? It seems women have even more shackles than before and accept them quite willingly for the "right" to go to work! Great!!! [insert rolleyes sarcastic smiley]

Well speaking as someone whose MIL brought up her DH to never lift a finger...I am tempted to see it as a Machiavellian way of ensuring he never cut the apron strings:eek:

euronorris

January20 wrote: »

Me too. I am really surprised that these discussions are still going on. I am also very surprised that so many women expect men not to be able to do housework and indeed will invent ridiculous excuses for them and are willing to treat them like toddlers!

It's very disappointing and very depressing indeed to think that the 20-30 year old men of today have been brought up by women my generation - who should have known better - but yet have not seen fit to teach their sons vital lifeskills. What have all those years of feminism been about? It seems women have even more shackles than before and accept them quite willingly for the "right" to go to work! Great!!! [insert rolleyes sarcastic smiley]

It's not even a question of teaching them so they have a happy girlfriend/ wife in future, it's teaching them so they can look after themselves properly when they live alone, which in this day and age a lot of males do.

I can't believe so many young women accept such a bad deal, working full time often and then looking after the household and the children! Are they so desperate to have a man in their life?

I don't know about anyone else, but with my OH, it's more a case that he has a higher irritation threshold when it comes to mess. Of course he sees it, he's not blind and he certainly isn't stupid, but it doesn't bother him as much. Apart from the floors, he can't seem to stand having even slightly dirty floors, so he's always hoovering up, whereas I will avoid that for as long as possible! lol

He knows how to cook, and we share that task mostly, but I tend to cook more because I enjoy it and like to try out new recipes etc. But we tend to bake cakes and stuff together

He knows how to use the washing machine perfectly well, but could quite easily leave it until all of his clothes are dirty before he washes any (and sometimes I let him). I don't mind throwing his stuff in with mine though, and it seems a bit silly to just leave his dirty clothes in the washing basket.

And general tidying we both do, when one or both of us looks around and goes 'Oh, we really should have a tidy'.

The dish washing side of things is uneven, but then he's the one who builds computers, checks the virus packages are up to date, fits the satellite dish etc etc. That's where his skills lie and I'm pretty useless at that stuff.

It's not so much about him being a man, as just recognising where both of our strengths and weaknesses lie in order to make the best of things and support each other in the best way we can.

No children to look after yet, but our hope is that I can be a SAHM for the first few years, so I would be doing a bit more of the housework then. But he still wants to do equal share of the getting up in the night thing, bless him. I'm not sure how that will work out in reality, when we're both knackered etc, but we'll see.

Imelda

In my house it works likes this:

DH works long hours, leaves at 6am and is rarely home before 8pm so monday- friday I do all the cooking, washing, admin etc. Because he is unable to help out DH got us a cleaner, just for 2hrs per week but it means the kitchen and bathroom get a wipe over and all the floors are hoovered, also if they haven't already been done she irons his work shirts. I usually have a day off per week and do a thorough clean then. This works for us as I do think I would resent having to do the lot.

DH is not lazy and will often spend a few hours at the weekend gardening, doing DIY etc. We clean up after dinner together (I am the worlds' messiest cook!) and he has taken it upon himself to take the bins out (thank goodness, I hate that job).

As for men being lazy because of their mothers I'm not sure I agree. I think my MIL has cleaning OCD, her house is spotless at all times, she wakes up at 6am so she can clean the house before 8am when her "day starts". She did everything for my DH, even now he will take washing and ironing to her as he likes the way she does it (!) If anything it has rubbed off on my DH and he too likes everything to be perfect and he actually enjoys housework. I do think it helps that he lived on his own for several years before we moved in together and so he wasn't used to having someone do it all for him.

p_joker

briancrum wrote: »

I dont think you should give up your job. Why oh why should we the taxpayer have to pay you extra because of YOUR lazy partner?

no i didn't mean it like that, we work between us at the moment if I gave up work he would have to get more hours or another job first, we both work part time at the moment so someone is there for the kids, we both work in shops so child care is hard e.g my hours are 8.30-6pm nursery opens 8.30-5 and its a 30 min walk away and my husband works 4-9.30 sometimes and his boss is not very helpful when it comes to giving him hours on days im not working