Dispute between Childminder and husband

Lucy1973

Nicki wrote: »

Except meritaten that the problem arose because the OH was late dropping the children off at the childminders. If he was worried about being late for work, then surely he'd be at the childminders at exactly the correct time or a few minutes early each day, not consistently turning up late. Sounds more like that dad struggles to get the two children ready and out in time in the mornings, and maybe that's something OP could help with as even if she starts work earlier than her OH maybe she could get the kids dressed before she goes out for example.

Ridiculous. If their own dad can't get up early enough to see to/get his own children dressed in time,I dispair lol. Seems like the wife has done far too much for him and he needs to pull his weight a bit more in the family home.

NickyBat

i think your hubby needs to take himself off to a dark room and have a big chat with himself!!!
He needs to be made to realise HE is the problem here not the CM. HE was the one who was late why should the CM and other children revolve around him and his bad time keeping.
I only have one child to get ready and get to school on time and that can be hairy enough some days, she obviously has others to do the school run with so she should not be expected to to accomodate your hubby and his lateness.
He is the idiot and a pig headed one at that if he can't see he caused the whole problem.!!!

Lunar_Eclipse

Whilst I think the shouting and overall behaviour displayed by the dad in this situation was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, I also think some people on here are over reacting in their mention or hinting at the OP getting out of this marriage, calling in social services, labelling him as a bully and so on. This is a single incident which the OP has said is atypical.

Additionally, whilst shouting should never be the communication volume of choice, it is somewhat normal and (sadly) occurs in a huge portion of family homes on a daily basis. I'm not condoning it, but I do really feel some of the replies on here might scare the OP to death.

I also think it would be ridiculous of the CM to stop caring after the children on this incident alone. Someone alikened this to a boss shouting at an employee in the workplace. That would also be inappropriate and upset me personally, but again I think handing in one's notice is perhaps a foolhardy thing to do. An apology, discussion about it and setting expectations for the future would be a much better way to handle such things in my opinion. We're adults afterall.

I am not a shark or a mouse, but sometimes unfortunate things happen and people make mistakes. Then it's about how they are handled.

sjc3

pozalina wrote: »

This thread has made me realise how lucky we actually are with her.

Im not writing this to stir up trouble, I am just very curious about something. The only person with a problem here is your oh. Has he read this thread and realised how lucky your family are to have your childminder? If he hasn't then its all been a bit pointless.

You sound like a lovely person OP who is caught up in a horrible situation. It is up to you how much "in the middle of it" you allow yourself to be. I hope for yours and your childrens sake the cm really does keep you all on. I hope your oh has been round and spoken to her, apologised and promised this will never happen again. For all your sakes.

I agree with another poster who suggested it may do you good to attend self-esteem/assertiveness classes. Settling for peace rarely leads to living a peacefull happy life. It normally means you compromise the right to be treated properly and just put up with someone who is out of order and being abusive. Start standing up to your oh and show your kids that the way he goes about things is no way to behave or treat others.

I wish you luck as I would not want to be in your shoes right now.

sjc3

maryotuam wrote: »

You need some sort of support such as counselling or assertiveness training. (Can anyone suggest how you can access these?)

Your gp can refer you for counselling. Surestart use to run self-esteem/assertiveness courses. My health visitor got me on an 8 week course a couple of years back and it really helped me. Gives you the confidence to stand up to people in a nice way. Also helps you see that you are responsible for how others make you feel and how to control that.

newcook

I hope I have read this right – because of the other family’s change of arrangements you guys had to change your normal drop off time but it made your OH late so CM accommodated this by agreeing to have your children 15 minutes earlier – was this 15 minutes earlier than the original time or 15 minutes earlier than the new agreed time?
If the new time is still making your OH late is there anyway CM would make it earlier? Or could OH drop the kids off at school and just use the CM for after school?

A lot of CM’s I know expect the children to be there 5 minutes before the agreed time – especially if they are doing the school run.

If I was the CM I would be telling you and OH that if this (or anything similar) happened again, you would be finding someone else to look after your children with immediate effect. And good look of that does happen because you will be lucky to find another CM in the area that will take on a family that has been abusive – as others have said, CM’s talk!!

Fang_3

Your husband is a !!!!!!. He should send the childminder a huge bunch of flowers and a card apologising for his disgusting behaviour. He also sounds incredibly jealous of the other family who are more successful than his. He's lucky that he wasn't arrested frankly.

shelley_crow

If I was the cm I would not be looking after your kids again, just for the fact that I wouldn't want your husband anywhere near me. How humiliating for the cm and also very disturbing for the other child, not to mention the effect on your own kids.

Would your husband have been inclined to demean the cm in the same way if she had been a 6'6 burly bloke? It's very easy to "lose your temper" when the target is vulnerable and unable to subdue you but very rarely when the target is a close physical match.

GobbledyGook

I would prepare yourself from notice from the CM because although she might be prepared to accept it as a one-off, once it gets about - which it will as children talk even if adults don't and it sounds like they were out in public when it happened - the parents of her other mindees may not want their children put in the position of ever witnessing that again.

elvis86

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Whilst I think the shouting and overall behaviour displayed by the dad in this situation was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, I also think some people on here are over reacting in their mention or hinting at the OP getting out of this marriage, calling in social services, labelling him as a bully and so on. This is a single incident which the OP has said is atypical.

Additionally, whilst shouting should never be the communication volume of choice, it is somewhat normal and (sadly) occurs in a huge portion of family homes on a daily basis. I'm not condoning it, but I do really feel some of the replies on here might scare the OP to death.

I also think it would be ridiculous of the CM to stop caring after the children on this incident alone. Someone alikened this to a boss shouting at an employee in the workplace. That would also be inappropriate and upset me personally, but again I think handing in one's notice is perhaps a foolhardy thing to do. An apology, discussion about it and setting expectations for the future would be a much better way to handle such things in my opinion. We're adults afterall.

I am not a shark or a mouse, but sometimes unfortunate things happen and people make mistakes. Then it's about how they are handled.

Quite. It sounds like a very unpleasant incident, but some people on here have completely overreacted.:cool:

Yes, the OP's husband was entirely in the wrong. Yes, of course the childminder should've been paid for the day. Yes, the OP's OH needs to apologise and understand that he cannot behave like this.

But seriously. Counselling? Social Services? Police?:eek: By the sounds of it, the guy got frustrated and lost his temper. He hasn't killed anyone! I suppose everyone getting up in arms on here about kids being exposed to this has never lost their rag? Never raised their voice to/in the presence of their kids? I doubt anyone is going to be emotionally scarred for life by the incident..;)

Admittedly, the fact that he's not been consumed by guilt and fallen over himself to make amends is concerning. He needs to redeem himself quick-sharp with a heartfelt apology and assurances that it won't happen again.