Dispute between Childminder and husband

Errata

oh dear, he just doesn't get it, does he.

patchwork_cat

pozalina wrote: »

He has been 'running late' a few times. Normally it is fine as she is at home anyway. He was cross that she wouldn't meet him at the school (where she collects another child) - she said she didn't know where she would meet him.

To give a bit more detail on why dh was so mad: the CM has helped out another family a lot, to the point of looking after one of their children late at night and very early (6am) in the morning, and the mother has shouted at her several times as well (poor CM, I know!). We recently changed our hours with CM to suit this family as the mother wanted to go on a course. We were told by CM that if we didn't bend to the new hours she would give us notice as the other family paid her much more money than us (they attend longer hours). CM said this family had her over a barrel as the mother told her they would leave if she didn't accommodate them. DH feels CM is ready to be flexible for them but not us, and the incident yesterday made him see red. I do not defend his actions and think the situations are different, but I have sometimes felt that she'll do things for them but not us as well.

OK it is never OK to shout at an employee, but having read this section and some other comments about CM not giving you notice because 'she couldn't do that to the children' she is giving distinct mixed messages.

Your DH has a point and all the people saying, ' oh she is a good CM' on what are you basing that? I can see why your DH is fed up ( although as I said shouting at an employee is never OK) TBH I think I would be looking for another CM as it strikes me this CM does not have loyalty to you and I bet you as soon as she has other children she will drop yours.

I would also always back my DH to the hilt in any conflict with an outsider whether he was wrong or right ( although only to outsiders, to him I would be very cross!) as would an awful lot of people I know.

Personally I would be looking for a new CM as IMO yours has not done the best by you.

aliasojo

patchwork_cat wrote: »

I would also always back my DH to the hilt in any conflict with an outsider whether he was wrong or right ( although only to outsiders, to him I would be very cross!) as would an awful lot of people I know.

Absolutely completely and utterly do not agree with this. If a person is in the wrong, they are in the wrong, end of. Wrong doing of any kind, by anyone, should never be backed imo.

aliasojo

duchy wrote: »

As for the childminder changing hours-you agreed to the change -either it is workable or it isn't. If it isn't you look for a new childminder -or you find a way to make it work if it is the lesser of the two evils if you don't want the children unsettled -

Exactly. A proposal was made, it was agreed to. If it didn't suit, you should not have agreed to it. No point in shouting the odds about it later.

Sorry, I realise the difficulties but this situation has been badly handled all round imo.

pozalina

aliasojo wrote: »

Exactly. A proposal was made, it was agreed to. If it didn't suit, you should not have agreed to it. No point in shouting the odds about it later.

It was agreed to as the alternative was for us to find another CM, but I take your point.

Sorry, I realise the difficulties but this situation has been badly handled all round imo.

Do you mean badly handled by everyone including me and cm? Or my oh?

duchy

pozalina wrote: »

No, children haven't been to CM since so oh says he's going to speak to her when he sees her on Tuesday (which will be a week since it all happened). I would have preferred if he had responded to the text she sent him about it - he did start to compose a reply but didn't send it. I asked him about this and he says he will say sorry when he sees her.

I wonder if someone shouted at you unreasonably and affected your ability to earn that day if your OH would think it was OK to get around to apologizing a whole week later -or if he'd think it was insincere and only done because he had to see you on that day.

I think him not making any effort to apologize is the final nail in the coffin and you'll be looking for a new childminder. A week after the event is too little too late. Most people will accept a mistake is made and let it go if the person shows regret -but he's as far as the CM is concerned totally ignored the issue for a week. If I was the CM I'd be looking for new children and then giving you notice- and breathing a sigh of relief that I wouldn't need to deal with such an arrogent and obnoxious client again. Sorry but he caused a bad situation and then made it worse by not putting it right -he really isn't doing right by you and the kids with his refusal to take responsibility for his actions.

patchwork_cat

aliasojo wrote: »

Absolutely completely and utterly do not agree with this. If a person is in the wrong, they are in the wrong, end of. Wrong doing of any kind, by anyone, should never be backed imo.

Even to an outsider? I would never not back my DH publicly. I have never had some one not back their OH in front of me. It is loyalty and I would always back him - although as I said not to his face he would receive an absolute roasting if I thought he had done something wrong.

It is completely wrong to shout at someone outside the family, but has it happened to me - oh yes. Has anyone ever apologised, NO.

I just wanted to add as a completly seperate argument IMO your relationship with CM is now untenable and I would say trust is lost and you need to look for a new CM.

Errata

Loyalty can often be misplaced. I wonder where patchwork cat would draw the line and not back their OH.

elvis86

duchy wrote: »

I think him not making any effort to apologize is the final nail in the coffin and you'll be looking for a new childminder. A week after the event is too little too late.

I agree, this is really bad. Especially as I think the OP has said the childminder texted OH about the incident soon after it happened and has effectively been ignored for a week (however, I have to say, I'm not convinced that texting is the right method of communication when discussing a business arrangement, which this essentially is).

Is it possible that the revised arrangements really don't work for OH, but due to OP's reluctance to disturb the children he feels that this kind of "protest" is the only way he can get her to consider finding a new CM? I know most posters feel that they know these people and their marriage inside out, and that the OP is bullied and intimidated by her abusive husband (:cool:), but it could be possible that he doesn't feel able to assert himself over this issue for fear of him appearing selfish by wanting to disrupt the children "to suit him", and would rather they were "forced" to find a new CM who can better accomodate their needs..? Admittedly, it's a p!ss poor way to go about things, but sometimes people have weird ideas about a means to an end! It's just an idea...

aliasojo

pozalina wrote: »

Do you mean badly handled by everyone including me and cm? Or my oh?

In the interests of fairness, I can only comment on you and your OH. I have no idea why the CM made the decisions she did (with regards to the issue surrounding the drop off in particular) so I cannot judge whether she was being practical for some reason you know nothing about, or whether she was simply being less than helpful.

I think in the first instance, you and your OH accepted a situation that perhaps didn't suit you.

I think your OH's way of handling himself is so very, very wrong and he dealt with the situation badly. He then compounded the problem by not immediately throwing his hands up and and saying he was stressed/wound up/ etc and he realised he was out of line and was so very sorry for treating someone else in that way. He needs to realise his money does not absolve him from being decent.

I think your way of dealing with your OH is also wrong. (Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, you do seem to genuinely care about all this and I understand you feel stuck in the middle). A week from incident to apology is a disgrace and suggests clearly that the apology is not meant and is only a token gesture. Whilst I personally wouldn't have been rushing to the divorce courts over this, I certainly would have left my OH in no doubt about what his next (and immediate) move should have been. Even if it did cause a temporary World War 3 between us.