Dispute between Childminder and husband

courteener

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Whilst I think the shouting and overall behaviour displayed by the dad in this situation was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, I also think some people on here are over reacting in their mention or hinting at the OP getting out of this marriage, calling in social services, labelling him as a bully and so on. This is a single incident which the OP has said is atypical.

Additionally, whilst shouting should never be the communication volume of choice, it is somewhat normal and (sadly) occurs in a huge portion of family homes on a daily basis. I'm not condoning it, but I do really feel some of the replies on here might scare the OP to death.

I also think it would be ridiculous of the CM to stop caring after the children on this incident alone. Someone alikened this to a boss shouting at an employee in the workplace. That would also be inappropriate and upset me personally, but again I think handing in one's notice is perhaps a foolhardy thing to do. An apology, discussion about it and setting expectations for the future would be a much better way to handle such things in my opinion. We're adults afterall.

I am not a shark or a mouse, but sometimes unfortunate things happen and people make mistakes. Then it's about how they are handled.

I get what you're saying but the OP has already said that she placates him a lot which might be why he rarely has to actually kick off and shout. He gets what he wants with just the threat of it.

We don't know the OP or her husband but that stuff about keeping the peace is classic "living with a bully" talk.

He's trying to use shouting withholding money and pressure tactics on the childminder. That's abuser 101.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

meritaten

courteener wrote: »

I get what you're saying but the OP has already said that she placates him a lot which might be why he rarely has to actually kick off and shout. He gets what he wants with just the threat of it.

We don't know the OP or her husband but that stuff about keeping the peace is classic "living with a bully" talk.

He's trying to use shouting withholding money and pressure tactics on the childminder. That's abuser 101.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

or the change in the original childminding arrangements is making HIM late for work and he is worried about HIS job! OP said that he had to stay late at work to make up the time missed - I bet his employer doesnt tolerate lateness. I may be wrong - perhaps the OH is just an arrrrse - but if a childminder changes the original agreement and on the first morning of the new arrangement someone is FIVE minutes late - I would personally cut them some slack! I wouldnt want to be shouted at - but I wouldnt send all the kids home either!
There ARE two sides to this story and right now I can understand someone who has their childminding arrangements changed at short notice with a story about how its because of the kids she minds for longer............the other family is NO concern of theirs! they had a contract for childminding hours and the CM broke it! if its making the OPs OH late for work thats serious! and I totally understand why he lost it! I worked many jobs and I can tell you that being late is not taken lightly by many employers! in fact after three instances of being late they can terminate your employment!
I too am one of those people who cannot seem to get moving in the morning! I am just NOT a morning person! I have turned up to work wearing odd shoes, the wrong uniform (embarrassing) but my brain does not work before 8.00am! and two cups of coffee!

the OP says that her OH is laid back 95% of the time - I think that he should be cut some slack here - not vilified the way most posters have done! it sounds like moneysaving in marraiges is full of manhaters!

POPPYOSCAR

meritaten wrote: »

or the change in the original childminding arrangements is making HIM late for work and he is worried about HIS job! OP said that he had to stay late at work to make up the time missed - I bet his employer doesnt tolerate lateness. I may be wrong - perhaps the OH is just an arrrrse - but if a childminder changes the original agreement and on the first morning of the new arrangement someone is FIVE minutes late - I would personally cut them some slack! I wouldnt want to be shouted at - but I wouldnt send all the kids home either!
There ARE two sides to this story and right now I can understand someone who has their childminding arrangements changed at short notice with a story about how its because of the kids she minds for longer............the other family is NO concern of theirs! they had a contract for childminding hours and the CM broke it! if its making the OPs OH late for work thats serious! and I totally understand why he lost it! I worked many jobs and I can tell you that being late is not taken lightly by many employers! in fact after three instances of being late they can terminate your employment!
I too am one of those people who cannot seem to get moving in the morning! I am just NOT a morning person! I have turned up to work wearing odd shoes, the wrong uniform (embarrassing) but my brain does not work before 8.00am! and two cups of coffee!

the OP says that her OH is laid back 95% of the time - I think that he should be cut some slack here - not vilified the way most posters have done! it sounds like moneysaving in marraiges is full of manhaters!

I agree with you that the childminder was not very helpful but this is no justification for her husband shouting like that at the childminder and in front of children as well.

I do agree though with the over-reaction by some who would have him hung drawn and quartered!!!!


If I were the childminder I would be happy with a sincere apology and the promise of it never happening again from the husband.

Errata

It would seem that the new arrangement with the CM which was agreed is that the OH would drop the children off 15 minutes earlier than had previously been the case. Even less reason for him to be late for work than he may have been in the past.

pozalina

meritaten:

pozalina I am not sure I understand exactly whats gone on here. the way I have read your posts is that
your CM changed the original agreement about times at short notice because the children she has for longer (her main earners) changed THEIR times?

yes, basically the mother of the other children booked herself on a course that started the following week before confirming this was ok with the CM. The CM was keen to accommodate as it meant extra income but she would've had too many children for 1.5hrs, so had to ask either us or another parent to reduce their hours. She asked us and we agreed to reduce our hours by 1.5 on one day a week.

this meant that you would take YOUR children half hour later? but she later amended this to 15 minutes later?

No, this meant our children went 1 1/2 hrs later than normal which was later amended to 1 1/4 hours later.

this still meant your OH would be late for work? and he compounds this by being a bit disorganised himself in the morning and was five minutes late?

This meant that oh would still have less time to get to work than originally, but 15mins more than the second arrangement.

he tried to help by saying he would meet her where she drops off first families kids but she didnt want that?

Yes

so he had to return home to wait for you and consequently was TWO hours late for work?
or do I have this totally wrong?

After she said no to meeting him at school he rushed to try and get there before she had to leave, and when he got there he lost his temper and shouted at CM. He upset her so much that she asked him to leave and take the children with him. So he had no option but to go home and wait until I could return from work. So then he was 2 hrs late for work, yes.

Hope that makes more sense! By the way, none of this is first thing in the morning, it is afternoon school run, as oh works afternoon/evening. They normally go to CM at 1.30pm but new arrangement was for 3pm.

Errata wrote: »

It would seem that the new arrangement with the CM which was agreed is that the OH would drop the children off 15 minutes earlier than had previously been the case. Even less reason for him to be late for work than he may have been in the past.

Original drop off time = 1.30pm
1st new time = 3pm
rearrenged new time = 2.45pm

Sambucus_Nigra

I'm glad I asked as I think she is being blooming pathetic! Yes, his bad for losing his rag but she is making it darned difficult for you all.

Why on earth would she not have just said yes to meeting him at school I don't know. Pedantic to say the least.

meritaten

so your original arrangement was 1.30pm
your CM changed it to 3.00 pm and then agreed to
2.45pm?
thats a difference of one and a quarter hour. presumably you had arranged the original hours to allow your OH or yourself to drop the children off and still have time to get to work?
I doubt that would allow a one and a quarter hours window there!
Thats a big chunk of time and to be honest - I would have looked for another childminder then. you had an agreement and SHE broke it. it if doesnt leave your OH time to get to work - then I can understand that he would be upset and angry especially if he had to stay longer at work! some employers wouldnt even be THAT flexible!
sorry, but I think I understand why your OH blew his top! and tbh I think your CM was out of order - a contract is a contract and if she wanted to change it then she should have given you notice!

duchy

So it isn't a case of your OH not getting up in time-it's an organization and time management problem.

I've used childminders in the past and frankly if the childminder put MY child in the position that they were exposed to that kind of behaviour I'd be telling her I wanted assurances that person would NOT be calling at the house again or I'd be removing my child.

I think the comments about changes in behaviour coming from both sides are very true pozalina -even if he doesn't want to change-you can change the dynamic by changing your response . You mention your husband has an adult daughter too so I guess he's old enough that this behaviour in deeply ingrained-do you know if he was the same in his first marriage ? I do think counselling would help you change the dynamic -especially as you mention you don't want to discuss your husband's behaviour with any of your friends (which is understandable) but you need a sounding board and support if you are going to change.

As for the childminder changing hours-you agreed to the change -either it is workable or it isn't. If it isn't you look for a new childminder -or you find a way to make it work if it is the lesser of the two evils if you don't want the children unsettled -but I don't think the childminder is been pathetic (and that comment could only have been made by someone who has never used a childminder)

newcook

has OH been to apologise to the childminder yet?

pozalina

newcook wrote: »

has OH been to apologise to the childminder yet?

No, children haven't been to CM since so oh says he's going to speak to her when he sees her on Tuesday (which will be a week since it all happened). I would have preferred if he had responded to the text she sent him about it - he did start to compose a reply but didn't send it. I asked him about this and he says he will say sorry when he sees her.